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The Rain Survival Guide

» How to keep on during this disgustingly moist season

Michele Provenzano
Staff Writer

 

Li: no longer that one week in July. In
other words, it’s officially the rainy season
in Vancouver. Here are some tips to stay dry
and cozy.

Carry an umbrella just to lose it

A simple but effective way to stay dry. Leave
your umbrella right next to the door so

that you don't forget it when you leave your
house! Collapse it as you board the bus and
place it in the small space between the edge
of your seat and the window where you'll
inevitably forget it because your mind is
too preoccupied with the stresses of daily
life to remember your belongings.

Finally put your textbooks to use

You're out of an umbrella? Grab the next
best thing! Surely your backpack is loaded
with the weight of several heavy textbooks.
Snatch one of those bad boys out and exert
your already-suffering shoulders by lifting
the book to shield your precious head.

You don't have to worry about the pages
becoming water-damaged—you weren't
going to read them anyway.

Wear waterproof mascara and/or
dismantle your identity

Realistically, the rain probably won't

wash your mascara off. But the seasonal
depression that comes along with it sure
will! So, when the waterworks come—
whether originating from the troposphere
or the amygdala—make sure that shit
doesn’t budge with a waterproof version of
your favourite mascara. Better yet, wear no
mascara. Just stop caring about appearance
entirely and cease all efforts to construct

a sense of self through performative
measures until you lose any semblance of

 

an identity.

Never leave home without headphones
Headphones are to be used, specifically,

at the first sign of a mild acquaintance’s
attempt to engage in weather-related
small talk. At any instance of weather
chat, respond with a dramatic whipping
out of said headphones. Stare into the
person's eyes blankly as you place them
over your ears. You've heard it all before.
This conversation has no value. Avoidance
successful!

Bathe in soup

Youre looking for a way to keep warm and
to relax. But with the packed schedule of
a college student, surely you don’t have
much time to spare. Both eating soup and
enjoying a hot bath are popular cold-
weather activities to stay cozy. Combine
them to maximize relaxation efficiency:
bathe in soup! Bonus: this may have the
added benefit of inspiring a new topic of
small talk for the people you meet to delve
into. “Why do you smell like soup?” is a
much more refreshing converstation than
talking about the weather!

humour // no. 15

* The Rain Survival Guide

¢ Ultimate kitchen hacks: apple pie from
scratch

¢ Scary movies for this Halloween
..and more

Illustration by Athena Little

Saran wrap your entire body

Who can afford those trendy transparent
raincoats? Achieve the same aesthetic with
a ridiculously effective method of keeping
yourself dry: saran wrapping yourself from
head to toe! The tighter the wrap, the
cozier youll be while you trek through the
cold, damp city. The pressure of your own
arms all squeezed up against your body
will almost feel like you're cuddling with
yourself. Who says you can’t cuddle with
yourself?

Never leave home, period
Just stay in bed.

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