Student forgets
registration time

> Ends up with triple major

Chandler Walter
Humour Editor

 

hris Evans committed the
cardinal sin: he forgot to
register for courses the very day
of his registration time. Instead,
he remembered mere weeks
before the semester was to start.
“It was pretty rough, that
first year,” Evans said in an
interview. “All that was left
were third year online science
courses. I was hoping to maybe
take some intro to philosophy,
or an anthropology course,
but instead I was in advanced
biochemical engineering.”
Rather than simply waiting
until the next semester to
register for the courses he was
hoping to take, Evans felt like he
could “at least get by” in what
was left for him to register in.
“Honestly, I didn’t want
to take quantum mechanics. I
didn’t even know what it was.
But my mom said I would have
to start paying rent if I wasn’t

registered in at least three classes,
and that was all that was left.”
Evans soon found that he
had a knack for the courses, and
passed the prerequisite test with
flying colors. “I've always been
a really good guesser,” he said.
Once Spring semester
came around, Evans was
determined to take the classes
that he had wanted to take,
including Intro to Writing Poetry
and Communications 1000.
However, due to a clerical error
in the Registrar’s Office, Evans
was signed up for Douglas’s
two-year theater program.
“They didn’t notify me
until it was too late to drop
the program,” Evans said, “and
my mom was adamant that it
didn’t count as courses because
it wouldn't work towards a
Bachelor’s degree. So I had to
take a few more science courses
that semester, as well as learn
how to act.” Evans participated
in a splendid production of
Rent, all the while learning
about the theories behind

superconducting magnets
and light-emitting diodes.

“Honestly, it was harder
to learn my lines than it was
to remember the mathematic
formulas, but I enjoyed
the costumes a bit more
than the lab coats, so it all
worked out,” Evans said.

Eventually, Evans did
manage to secure a spot in the
courses he wanted, and by the
end of six years at Douglas had
himself a Bachelor of Arts,

a Bachelor of Science, and a
diploma in Theater. Evans is
currently working for NASA,
training for the super classified
Mars expedition planned

for 2020, and doing a few
Broadway shows on the side.

“I never really thought I
would have ended up here after
forgetting to register back in
the day,” Evans said. “But hey,
work is work. Gotta make a
dollar doing something, right?”

In his free time, Evans
still enjoys writing poetry
at an introductory level.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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World leaders agree to a mass reboot

> Turning civilization off and on again would be best bet

Cazzy Lewchuk
Staff Writer

 

n response to the many system

failures exhibited globally,
world leaders have agreed to
simply reboot the whole damn
thing in the hopes of salvaging
some of the programs.

Recent and escalating
problems repeatedly damaging
the system include (but are not
limited to): terrorism; climate
change; civil unrest; the largest
refugee crisis in history; a rise
in nationalism, xenophobia,
and racism; a collapsing global
economy; an environment

damaged beyond repair; Donald

Trump; and the renewal of 2
Broke Girls and The Big Bang
Theory for yet another season.
Earth’s most powerful
people—including Barack
Obama, Justin Trudeau,
Vladimir Putin, Pope Francis,
the Dalai Lama, Ellen
DeGeneres, Elon Musk, Mark
Zuckerburg, Kim Kardashian,
Kanye West, and the Premier
of China, whose name nobody
really remembers or cares
about—have entered into an
agreement with the mysterious

behind-the-scenes Illuminati.
It was unanimously agreed that
concepts like democracy simply
weren't working anymore.

“Whoever thought giving
the common people the power,
I want some of whatever
they were smoking,’ Trudeau
explained in a press statement at
the local Tim Hortons. “Massive
war, ethnic conflicts—even
the coffee here tastes a lot
worse than it used to. When
MY father was in charge...” he
began, before literally everyone
in the restaurant lost interest.

It was widely agreed the
best option for fixing the planet
would be a mass reboot, taking a
cue from how the entertainment
industry treats their franchises.

“It’s been ten thousand
years since we evolved into
modern Homo sapiens and the
whole time it’s been nothing
but shit,” billionaire Elon Musk
telepathically communicated,
while floating in a higher
plane of existence far outside
of the simulation we know as
reality. “There’s been some
good ideas. I mean, have you
seen that Internet? There
are so many naked ladies
on there! But it’s time to try

existence all over again.”
Various methods have
been deliberated on as the best
way to reboot all of humanity’s
existence. Despite the Pope’s
best efforts and phone calls,
God was unavailable or simply
unwilling to destroy all of
the universe. Several of the
attendees—led by Ellen—gave
their votes to the possibility of
existence being given away as
a prize on TV, but the idea was
shot down when they realized
that nobody really watches cable
anymore. British Prime Minister
David Cameron proposed a
referendum be held on the
issue, but was quickly tackled
and led away by security.
Eventually, Obama,
Putin, and the Chinese
Premier came up with the
best solution, influenced by
the suggestions of Obama’s
advisor, Dr. Strangelove.
Effective at exactly 12:37
p-m. today, the approximately
16,000 nuclear warheads owned
by the major superpowers
worldwide will all be detonated.
The resulting explosion will
murder the entire world’s
population, and in the same
stroke, create a wasteland

 

Image via thinkstoc

inaccessible for any vertebrate
for centuries to come. It is
speculated that this will result in
a much better universe without
humans in it to create terrible
things like nuclear warheads.

Preliminary reports from the
afterlife suggest that humanity
will be condemned to the void
for all eternity, with the possible
exception of Bernie Sanders,
who will ascend to Heaven.