ENNIFER SIM

y companion of seven
years has insisted for six
of the seven years we've
own each other that getting
gaged is a waste of money. He
serts that engagement rings were
vented by the DeBeers family as
insidious plot to inflate the

rice of diamonds and pump-up
pring jewellery sales after the
uary slump. He insists that such
seless and ostentatious frippery is
r people who want to be middle-
ass—EEW WWW! Well folks, I
pleased to inform you that I
married today only because I.
asnt going to get too bloody
icky—we skipped the ring.

First we needed a Marriage.
icense ($100 dollars from Vital
tatistics or a Notary Public).
Ve'd already agreed that we did
t want a church wedding
cause, well, we don't go to
urch, and considering the cost of
od, alcohol and the stress
volved in organizing a marriage
remony—not to mention the
ighly public and therefore embar-
sing nature of the event—we
cided to get married through a
stice of the Peace (which costs
other $80 dollars: the govern-
ent’s cut is $50, the JP’s, $30).
it just be sure to get the
arriage License first, or the JP
nt perform the marriage ceremo-
. We didn’t want a reception
ther for the same reasons we did-

want a big ceremony, but of
urse when his family realized (of
urse mine didn’t care) there
uldn't be a reception, they
anned a small family gathering
rus at his Mom’. Actually, it
s kind of fun—if you don't
ind having flashbulbs go off in

ur face with running commen-

tary to the
likes of:
“Okay, now
give each
other a kiss...”
“Ohhh...”
“Ow, that was
an Old
Couple's
Kiss!” “One
more time!”
“Abhh....”
Planning
the honey-
moon was our
most consci-
entious issue,
but we agreed
it would have
to be cheap.
He suggested
Las Vegas; I
suggested
staying right
here in Beautiful BC—no booking
flights, no packing, no waiting in
airports, in short, a stress-free
vacation—what a concept! Since
he dislikes the heat intensely I said,
“Dear, it will be sooo hot in Vegas
in August.” He's also somewhat
nationalistic so I said, “Dear, we've
been to Vegas; we're from BC, we're
Canadians, we should explore our
own country.” And my final shot?
“Drinks are free in Vegas only if
we gamble,” I said, “and we wont
be gambling on our Honeymoon

- Dear.” Silence. The penny drops.

“NO FREE DRINKS?!” We had
our honeymoon here.

We all know getting married
costs money, but sometimes even
the most well-organized person
can underestimate the amount of
planning it takes for even the sim-
plest wedding. Before the Big Day
everything appears to be under
control, and then suddenly, the
monumentality of all the undone

 

   
 
  
   
  
  
   
  
 
  
  
 
    
 

ear Desperate:

ear Reverend Jom:

ear Morton:

ear Reverend Tom:
hat is the world’s oldest profession?
Desperately Searching

question as old. as the heavens themselves. It has been
ebated many times over: God or Hooker? The answer
ill be settled once and for all, live on Pay-Per-View on
oly Land Kumate. Main event: God Vs Heidi Fleiss:
t bragging rights, and undercard Moses Vs The Red
ea I]: The Revenge. Only $49.95, call your cable

ompany or satellite provider today!

ow can I get better acquainted with Christ?’

Morton Halva

here are many methods. Praying, living a good life,
crifice, etc. However, theologians agree that the easiest
ethod to get to know Christ, His religion and all that
stands for is to disrobe and vigorously rub the bible
etween your legs until you secrete the Lord’s essence.

 

 

 

etting married on the cheap
r What I did on my summer vacation

 

last-minute tasks smacks you
square between the eyes: he's lost
his best suit, who's got the camera?
where's the Marriage License? got
the money for the JP? No?! Oh no,
we have to go to Instabank in our
formalwear because she doesn't
take cheques! We'll get all sweaty
and we still have no witnesses!
Maybe we'll find some in the
park...AHHHH!! So plan the
event for late afternoon, this pro-
vides extra time for last minute
details, and it also gives the morn-
ing clouds a chance to fade—bet-
ter for pictures. Suffice it to say

S04 St, Jobe

Photo supplied by author

 

that when the cere-
mony was over (it
takes about thirty-
five minutes) we
both let out a big
sigh of relief.

One bonus was
that we'd both
inherited wedding
rings, so we saved
about $200. But |
our biggest, and
ultimately most
unnecessary,
expense was the
hotel. I was quoted
$150 per night (at
that price we
couldn't afford
more than one
night), but with

room tax and every

other possible tax
it came to $180—
and by the way, any nice hotel

 

downtown costs even more in the
summer, approximately $300 per
night. Believe it. I didn’t.

The best part was the honey-
moon of course—except for the
fact that the Vancouver Harbour
Dinner Cruise, which had been
booked over a month prior, still
took f-o-u-r confirmations with
f-o-u-r different agents before they
got the month right! Nevertheless,
the scenery along the city skyline
was wonderful, the food ample,
and it was three hours of pure,

    

WAt-QaASt

TAKE THE STING

OUT OF HIGH PRICES

ALL PREDWNED
JEANS & PANTS
80% OFF OFF GUR ALREADY
LOW PRICES 1

SEPT 8 « 26,1908 « eS

 
 

  
 

Rae ow

“A

\Nesueenmned

albeit breezy, relaxation—highly
recommended for stressed honey-
mooners.

Then, the following morning
we went on another, even better,
nature cruise, departing from New
Westminster Quay, and taking us
up the mighty Fraser and onto Pitt
Lake. It was a spectacular day of °
sun, sparking water and cool, soft
breezes. We saw wildlife, tugboats,
fishermen, water-skiers and all
kinds of interesting historical
landmarks. We shared sips of
“bottomless coffee” and ate the
complimentary chocolate bars that
the hotel had given us. It was the
most wonderful, relaxing day, and
then, reaching our destination at
noon, we dropped anchor and ate
the delicious complimentary sand-
wiches and goodies made by the
crew. Then we had a refreshing
swim before heading back to New
West. We had an exceptionally
good time; it’s highly recommend-
ed.

However, if we had to do it
again, wed skip the hotel and put
the extra $180 toward another ‘
cruise departing from New West.
Still, for a Grand Total of $550,
we got what we wanted: a short, *
uncomplicated, almost stress-free
wedding and a relaxing honey-

moon—and it was way cheaper

* than Vegas.

   
 
      
 

   
 
  

September 9 1998 Page 3 7
~o~