issue 24// vol 45 humour // no. 17 Five Saint Patrick's Day | Woman’s period has looks that say, ‘I don't know who St. Patrick is’ the audacity to show ) Is it okay to say ‘Paddy's Day’? It feels like a slur Isabelle Orr Entertainment Editor hat’s up, you holiday hos? Just like Daylight Saving Time, Saint Patrick’s Day is one of those calendar- related events that I go along with every year but don’t really know why. Does it benefit society in some way? Probably. Do I know the cultural significance? Absolutely not. That won't stop me from imbibing ye olde green beer (or three) and stealing someone's ugly holiday hat whilst drunk (and later throwing up into said hat). Tired of all those mass-produced Kelly-green shirts (the worst colour for ANY skin tone)? Take a skim down my list to see what you should be sporting this Saint Patrick’s Day! Burlap sack with rope belt He was like, a saint, right? I think all saints weren't allowed to wear anything cute because, you know, they were hanging out with Jesus and stuff. Imagine if you showed up to the last supper with, like, a little red feather behind your ear, and then you looked better than Jesus at his last supper? No way! Grab a sack, but dont forget to highlight your trim waist with a little piece of frayed rope. Bonus points if you grow out your hair long enough to wash Jesus’ feet. Big snake costume I think S.P. played a flute to chase all the snakes out of Ireland? I feel like “snakes” might be code for something more nefarious, but I like to pretend everyone just had a massive snake infestation and Breaking news: Everyone he swung in and was like, “Guys, I got this.” Honour his awesome pest control skills by dressing up like a big snake. Bonus points—stash beer in your snake tube! Leprechaun See, this is where it gets tricky. I feel likea leprechaun costume is kind of... cultural appropriation?! Or at least not okay on some level. Still though, how hilarious would it be to see someone go all-out ona leprechaun “ outfit with belt- % buckle shoes and an Austin Powers neck ruff. Pantaloons, too! “Kiss me, I’m Irish’ shirt Acclassic for the ages. If I had one of these shirts, I feel like I would wear it multiple times a year. You could dress it up (tuck it into a skirt), dress it down (tuck it into jeans), or dress it really down (Winnie the Pooh style, shirt and no pants). Also very, very funny if you are clearly not Irish like me. Those huge Irish dancing wigs You've seen those, right? They're basically giant curly wigs (think Toddlers & Tiaras size) that, in contexts outside of Irish dancing, look pretty wild. Throw on your best duds, then top it off with one of these 10-pound monstrosities and hit the club. Fellow partygoers wont be able to keep their eyes off you! up every month » You again?! Isabelle Orr Entertainment Editor ocal woman Wilma Hodgkiss, 25, has had enough. “IT can't believe my period disrupts my life every 28 to 33 days,” said Hodgkiss at a press conference last Tuesday. “And it won't stop until I reach 45 to 55? I can't live like this!” Hodgkiss’ period, which has been with her since the age of 13, is a real jerk. “T have to plan for a week of low mood, extreme hunger, sleeplessness, anxiety, and constipation,” she said. “And that’s just the PMS! I haven't even gotten to the real deal yet.” Like so many other people who get their period, Hodgkiss simply just has to deal with it. “Many men, unprompted, tell me to get an IUD,” she said. “But they don’t know that IUDs are expensive and often make some people’s flows worse. And as far as implantation goes, , tin a around a minute and a half while I scroll on my phone at the same time. And I always make sure to tell her I’m down for period sex. I know some guys aren't, so I think it’s really cool and progressive of me that I am.” Hodgkiss’ boss, Frank Jarvis, was adamant that Hodgkiss would not receive any special treatment for her monthly malady. “T tell Wilma, and anyone else who tries to use their period as an excuse for missing work, the same thing,” Jarvis told reporters. “Just suck it all back in, and then go home and push it all out after work.” Jarvis also proudly stated that he knew “next to nothing” about the female anatomy except for the “good parts.” Reporters approached Hodgkiss’ period, who was found smoking a Juul and lurking around the corner from Hodgkiss herself. “Hey man, I’m just doing my job,” said Hodgkiss’ period. “I come, I take what I want, and then I leave. If anything, I make my friend Mary told her appreciate those me the cramps were et - 20 days when I’m not so bad that she shit i around more. All these herself when they Fi , babes are so emotional. put it in. That’s ' It’s just the hormones, two of my worst i My you know?” nightmares in one!” | — Hodgkiss says she Hodgkiss’ a wf is taking a stand for boyfriend Mark \ is a F \ people who are fed up Dinas was also \ ‘ r with their menstrual interviewed cycles. by Other Press ‘ \ - “We shouldn't reporters. & take this kind of abuse “I pretty ~_ =F & from our own bodies. much go above a It’s time we stood up and beyond when i , & en the way of life we Wilma gets her > deserve!” period? said Dinas. A F Hodgkiss added at “I buy her the % the time of interviews cheapest chocolate \ & that pre wasnt usually bar in the drugstore = this bloated—it was and rub her back for a just water retention. an, from hometown married and pregnant » ‘Don’t you wish you peaked in high school like the rest of us?’ Isabelle Orr Entertainment Editor I: an intensive study conducted by several teams of social scientists, it was confirmed that 98 percent of people from your graduating class are now married and/ or pregnant. Yes—even the ugly ones. Interestingly enough, compared to those who moved away, the people who stayed in your hometown after graduation had an 89 percent increase in overall happiness and a 92 percent chance of listening to Eagle-Eye Cherry and wearing Billabong-brand clothing. Albert July, head of the research team, had this to say: “Tt seems that almost everyone in your graduating class luckily found the loves of their lives in a convenient 10-kilometer radius from the town they grew up in. Even more luckily, their mate attended the same elementary and high school as them. What are the odds?” He later added, “The odds are very, very low” Detailed reports show that people who bullied you personally often found love with each other. Other Press reporters spoke to expecting couple Wyatt Dilton and Taylor Penstalk, both of whom are blonde. “We bonded over how normal we are and how well we fit as cogs in the machine of society,’ Penstalk said, looking into her husband’s eyes. “We never felt out of place in this small town, and we are completely happy with every aspect of our lives.” Almost everyone surveyed had found internal peace and was totally content with their life choices to date. The study also showed that almost all participants had perfect mental health and never thought about their impending death or whether or not they are a burden on society. “I’ve never experienced depression,” said Maya Pile, mother of two and wife of Tyler Poesatt, mill worker, “Whenever I’m sad I just think of the amazing life God provided for me.” “I live two blocks away from my parents, and they live several blocks from the cemetery their own parents are buried in,” Emily Duchen, one of your high school classmates, told reporters. “It’s nice being part of a community that welcomed me, because I am normal in every way that appeals to them and never longed for anything other than comfortable suburban bliss and am rewarded as such.” Duchen and her heterosexual boyfriend Curtis Norris are expecting their fourth child this summer. “I sure pity anyone who isn’t happy like me,” Duchen added.