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Pleasure Gurl71

‘seize the Day! Carpe Diem!’

Age: 42 (Leo)

Location: Lachine, Quebec, Canada
Height: 5'4" (163cm)

Weight: 145 lbs (66kg) - Shapely toned
Languages Spoken: English

My Limits are: Whatever Excites Me
Status: Attached Female seeking Males
Gender: Female

Ethnicity: Caucasian (white)

Smoking Habits: Never

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Photo illustration courtesy of Joel McCarthy

Man sues dating site for having too many profiles of sexy, single women

Ashley Madison for having too
many profiles of sexy women.
John Mitch, 45, has asked
the website to add a touch of
realism to their profiles.
“When I want an affair, I
have to make sure I’m doing it
with someone unattractive, like
acrazy cat lady or something,”
says Mitch. “Otherwise, all I’m
doing is pretending like I’m

Claims Ashley Madison is
too much like a porno’
Livia

Turnbull

Humour Editor

 

humour@theotherpress.ca

 

Manitoban man is suing
the infamous affair website

watching one of my pornos.”
Ashley Madison has yet
to comment on the issue, as
they are too busy dealing with
another lawsuit involving a
woman getting carpel tunnel
syndrome while being paid to
create sexy profiles for the site.
“These profiles are fake,”
says Mitch. “I know they are
because I don’t buy the fact that

some desperate single profiles
on there! And not sexy ones
either! Don’t people have any
shame anymore? How can
they even understand my porn
addiction?!”

The Other Press would like
to offer condolences to Mitch’s
wife for putting up with his
porn addiction for so long.

an 18-year-old college student
would have sex with married
men to pay off her student
loans. C’mon, that’s basically
the plot to College Girls with Big
Busts and Little Funds!”

“T would recommend
watching that as it shows what
not do when making sexy
profiles for an affair website,”
Mitch adds. “I mean, put

 

 

 

Files compiled by Cazzy Lewchuk

CLASSIFI

EDS

 

Grass on my lawn. Simply come over and
mow it and the clippings are all yours. | need
this done fast so Dad will give me my
allowance. Must provide own lawn mower.
Please apply when Dad is at work,

   
 
   
   

 

WANTED

One wife. Preferred that the successful candidate have no experience. Must
be a perfect 10, excellent cook, make lots of money, enjoy cleaning up
messes, dress in revealing clothing, have extremely accepting/dead parents,
and be willing to pay for our entire wedding. Contact Herbert Sanches at
Green Acres Retirement Home (room #17) or apply during visiting hours
(not Wednesdays, please, that’s when my current wile and family visits).

One roommate. No pets, easy-going, doesn't mind my
messes and constant smoking, pays exactly $543.32 a
month for all the bills, has their own shelf in the fridge,

bedroom is always neat and tidy. In fact bedroom is pretty
much empty right now, hagn’t been seen for a week.
Seriously, Sandra, where ara you?

 

 

  

One heart. Erin, vou ving, cheating, crazy,
psycho bitch, please come back and get i
because | really don’t want it anymore, |

know you read the classifieds to find guys to

sleep around with, Erin, seriously, Please.
It’s becoming a burden.

 

POR SALE

Sull one husband. Nobody has responded yet. He still
cuts the mustard once a year! Price has dropped to $10 or
half a good bottle of wine. He’s taking up space on the
couch and | need to watch soaps.

FREE
Christmas lights across from my house.
Neighbour has put them on his porch already and
as Christmas isn't for SIX FREAKIN’ WEEKS |
can only assume he is giving them away. Please
come over and help yourself to them as they're
annoying the wife at night and they're pretty ugly.

 

 

 

 

 

LOST

One TARDIS. Last seen in London November
23, 2013. It's a sort of large big blue box thingy
with a mind of its own that | use for travel, If
found please tell her to come back to Doctor
John Smith (#10, #11, or #12).

 

 

 

 

 

WANTIED

YOU, bored college student with no skills or experience whatsoever.
Are you too lazy to get a real job’? Want to make possibly up to
$10,000 a week under certain impossible circumstances? Contact
John to start buying energy drinks to push on your soon to be
ex-friends at only $5 apiece! This offer is so good you definitely will
not find it anywhere else! This is absolutely not a pyramid scheme.

SELLING

One red paper clip. Asking for three bedroom house.
It worked for that one guy. Okay, a two bedroom houge.

 

 

 

 

 

Genetically engineered attack
dogs. Aggressive, extra playful, will eat
anything, especially enjoy young children.

 

 

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