Gluten-free ice cream sandwich shop overly optimistic about winter season > ‘The success we had in the summer will go on forever, says owner Klara Woldenga Entertainment Editor he winter season is a stressful time for most Vancouver ice cream shop owners. Most frozen treat stores close for the season or threaten citizens in order to sell product, all except for one: Local gluten-free ice cream sandwich owner Franklin Riddlen. Riddlen says he’s not concerned about the upcoming cold season and believes he has good reason to feel that way. “People eat ice cream all the time,’ Riddlen told the Other Press. “People also eat sandwiches all the time. I see no reason why people would stop eating both of these things just because it gets a little cold outside.” Riddlen opened his shop “Ice (cream) Ice (cream) Baby” last April after chasing a group of racoons out of an abandoned men’s bathroom and setting up shop inside. Although the shop is relatively new, Riddlen has carried his passion for both ice cream and sandwiches all of his life. “They're the only two things I eat and have ever eaten,” Riddlen said. “If you think about it, which I’m sure you do, both sandwiches and ice cream cover all the basic food groups. The fact that I am three feet shorter than the average male is a mere coincidence.” His first summer run allowed him to support himself and his two young daughters, Sunday and Malt, and he’s confident his seasonal products will ride the generous wave of cold rain, sadness, and anger Vancouver winter has to offer. “We have a lot of flavors for this winter season, like ‘Sweater’ and ‘Wooly Sock’, both of which are sure to do as well as our most popular sandwich flavor: Vanilla.” “No, I would not eat gluten-free malnourished children alone. “She died from a brain freeze,” said Riddlen. “I told her she could just stick to just eating sandwich: if she wanted, but she just loved cream so much. God bless her.” “Please give us different fr to eat,” one of the children told the Other Press. “We are so hungry.” Ice (cream) Ice (cream) Baby is located on King Edward and Main in Vancouver and is open from 9 am to 9 pm every day except Sunday, and Monday, and ice cream sandwiches in the winter,” local Vancouverite John Maric told the Other Press. “Why are you asking me? Get out of my house! It’s three in the morning! I’m calling the police.” Unfortunately, not is all fruitful for the frozen dairy entrepreneur: Four years ago, Riddlen’s wife passed away, ‘fa leaving him to raise his two sticky, Tuesday, and Wednesday. Giant clam eats man > ‘The seas and beaches are safe for no man, says old, peg-legged sailor Klara Woldenga Entertainment Editor his past week, locals have been soaking up the last bit of sun at Vancouver's beaches. Unfortunately, a new unexpected terror has risen from the sand: Giant, angry clams. They’re big, they're angry, and they ate local shellfish allergist specialist Jerry Ankler. “Jerry was the best, really,” said local yoga studio owner Janice Garcia. “He told me, ‘Don’t eat shellfish, it'll kill you. | didn’t, and I’m still alive today.” According to witness reports, Ankler was taking his daily log walk on Kitsilano beach when he was attacked by a giant clam. “He loved those logs so much,” a former client told reporters. “He even had a favorite one he named his wiener dog after.” At exactly 8:59 am a giant clam, approximately five feet wide and six feet tall, wiggled out of the sand, and went right for Ankler and his wiener dog named Log. “Tt’s like the clam knew,” said Edwin Francis, a witness to the horrific event. “It knew that Jerry was a shellfish allergist, trying to keep people from eating clams, and it needed to eat Jerry for revenge— wait, that doesn’t make any sense.” Reports also state that, before he was eaten, Ankler pointed to the clam, turned to the person nearest to him, and shouted, “DON’T EAT THIS IT’S PROBABLY NOT GOOD FOR YOU!” before the giant clam swallowed Ankler whole, orthopedic shoes and all. It then returned back to the dirty, cigarette- butt-ridden sand from whence it came. Log the wiener dog was left unscathed and has been set free back into Stanley Park, as per the instructions Ankler wrote in his will only a week before. “Tt was awful,” Jake Brophy, witness and log enthusiast, told the Other Press. “We spend so much time eating smaller versions of those clams. It was like an episode of that show, Twilight Zone—I'm Team Edward, by the way.” So far, this has been the only clam-related death in Vancouver, but the Vancouver police isn’t going to take any chances. “We're going to crack down on this before it gets any worse,” Joan Harren, local police deputy, told reporters in a press conference this week. “We're going to fine the clam $400 for every person it eats. It’s the best deterrent we could think of.” Although his body has not been found, an open-casket funeral will be held in Ankler’s honour next Sunday. The casket will feature both an oyster bar and EpiPens for those who need them. Max Franklin, longtime friend of Ankler, set the funeral up after learning of his death through an online meme. “It’s what Jerry would have wanted,” Franklin told reporters. “Or was it what he really didn’t want? I’m not really good at remembering details.” HEY LUKE, TIME TO WAKE UP. Comic by Nuclear Jackal OH? WHAT WAS TT ABOUT! AN THANKS, YOU GOT MEQUTOF A WETRD-ASS DREAM. THING LED 10 ANOTHER AND { EVENTUALLY ENDED UP IN A FIGHT WITH THIS ONE GUY AND TRIED 10 KILL HIM MULTLPLE TIMES, EVENTUALLY SUCCEEDING BY SMASHING HTS HEAD IN WITH A HAMMER. WELL TWAS IN A MICRONATION FROM THE 19405-19705 OR SOMETHING (TT CHANGED OCCASTONALLY) AND I WAS PROMOTING REUNIFICATION OF THE NATZON WITH MY PEERS. WE EXPECTED TT 10 BE AN EASY PROCESS BUT ONE WELL... ALRIGHTY THEN.