humour / 22 Releasing more expensive stuff that no one asked for » Apple introduces even more products Cazzy Lewchuk Staff Writer M ere weeks after announcing the brand new product “Apple Watch,” Apple has announced a slew of even more innovative, interesting, and inane products for the consumer market. Apple Bottom Jeans: These $4.49 jeans are recommended to be worn with boots with da fur. This allows the consumer to have the whole hit the floor and next thing you know, consumers get low, low, low, low, low, low, low, low. Apple Tree: A tree compatible with other Apple products starting at only $449. Trees made by Apple’s competitors grow fruit, provide oxygen, and generally look nice. The Apple Tree is not compatible with non-Apple plants, but comes ina stylish white. Apple Pie: It’s like a regular pie, except it costs $449 and is white. This pie is a delicious recommendation for Thanksgiving, drunk nights at McDonald’s, and sexual frustration (soon to be compatible with Siri!). Apple Sauce: An official licensed sauce that’s white, : difficult to spread on non-Apple : : toast, and costs $449. Apple Cider: A seasonal : product for autumn, although : available at the Apple store : and Starbucks year-round for : just $449 (much cheaper than : Starbucks original non-licensed : apple cider). Big Apple: After a : successful and expensive legal : battle, Apple is now selling : the city of New York at all : licensed retailers. An Apple : spokesperson allegedly was : quoted as saying, “New Yorkers : are so busy texting on their : iPhones and checking the club be looking at them. They'll : time on their Apple watches : that they probably won't even : notice.” The city is available to : consumers for only $449. “It’s : amore reasonable price than : some beads and trinkets.” How Do You Like Them : Apples?: For only $449, a : genuine licensed Genius : Apple employee will follow : you around and remark “How : doyou like them Apples?” : whenever the user is shocked : at something (such as the high : price of a product). Candy Apple: An official : Apple product dipped in : caramel and put ona (Apple : branded) stick. Available at all : licensed retailers and carnivals starting at just $449. Fiona Apple: Her music already being a staple in Apple : stores everywhere, Fiona Apple can now be yours starting at : $449 (whining and confusing : music videos not included). Adams Apple: : Prepubescent boys and anyone : who has another brand are the : target market for the lump in : amale’s throat available from : Apple now for just $449. Consumer and critic : interest has been met with : mixed to negative reviews. : The products have been : described using such phrases as : “bizarre,” “expensive, : “ridiculous,” “hilarious,” and “I : thought they sold computers.” ” ” useless, Despite such criticisms, : Apple is projected to sell several : million units of each product : and release slightly updated, : more expensive versions yearly. Competitors have already : started branching out into : non-tech markets. BlackBerry : has purchased bushes and : jams; Windows is buying : panes; Amazon is acquiring : rainforests, rivers, and warriors; : and Samsung is purchasing : galaxies. Google seems : remarkably nonchalant about : the whole affair, remarking : “we already own everything anyway.” Disclaimer: sadly, it doesn’t : look like we'll actually be getting : Apple Bottom Jeans, Apple : Pie, or How Do You Like Them : Apples? anytime soon. But a : jokester can dream! Texts from my future child Sharon Miki Humour Editor humour@theotherpress. ca You’re not the boss of me. Source image from Thinkstock theotherpress.ca Image from Thinkstock Habitual ‘vaguebooker revealed as legit high- level government security official; » Was literally unable to provide specific details in Facebook posts Sharon Miki Humour Editor 4 humour @theotherpress.ca na move that left her 768 Facebook friends both 24-year-old Douglas College pseudo-student Monica Gellar : : this, when something like this actually an undercover federal : happens, you really hope that : the people who should know : what’s going on will know : what’s going on ... you know : who you are,’ she elaborated. revealed today that she is agent—which fully explains why her online posts are always so damn vague. “People are always on my back about the extreme ambiguity in all my posts,” explained Gellar. “It’s like— hello!—it’s a matter of national security! I can’t just reveal classified information online. But I still want to be able to express my feelings to everyone.” Indeed, specific details clear at time of this writing, but she totally assures us that they are legitimate. : ... oh my gosh I just can’t begin : to tell you how much all of : this means... I just hope that : everything turns out okay...,” : said Gellar when asked about : her job. “Wow! Who would have shocked and weirdly satisfied, ever thought that all this : would happen,” Gellar added. “It’s just that at times like “Sometimes I just hate everything so much for a very : specific reason,’ Gellar said, : coquettishly. “If you can guess within three clues what I’m talking : about, I’ll give you a VERY : special prize,’ she added. “Ugh, I just hate how much people want to know about Gellar’s position are not : about me though! It’s so : annoying how people are : always worried about me or : answering my questions,’ she “Big things are happening : Said, before disappearing ina : puff of smoke.