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> Stop the misquotes, stop the madness

Katie Czenczek
Staff Writer

 

Per all over the world are
advised to stay indoors, and
more importantly off their Facebook
profiles, until the authorities get
a hold of a situation that’s rapidly
spiralling out of control.

What was previously believed
to be the work of thieves looking for
profit in dead celebrities’ graves has
now been revealed to be the corpses
of celebrities who have unfinished
business rising from their coffins.
This business, as they call it, is to
demand that people stop giving them
credit for quotes they never said.

“It’s infuriating,” said Marilyn
Monroe in an interview with the
Other Press. “All I see is my photo and

Correction: Super cool

name being connected to ridiculous
quotes like ‘wanting to be someone
else is a waste of the person you are.’
Do people not know that I went from
Norma to Marilyn? I completely
transformed myself and haven't
looked back since. There are others,
but I can’t complain too much. Dr.
Seuss has it much, much worse.”

Seuss failed to comment
on the phenomena.

Tupac Shakur, on the other hand,
said a lot. He politely asked white boys
from the suburbs to stop pretending
that they know the struggle. A flurry
of Facebook posts in recent years have
honoured the renowned rapper, and
most of them have been traced back to
gated communities. “Real eyes realize
real lies’ just shows how unreal the
people making this s**t up can be. I
never said that, nor do I wish that I did.”

> ‘I'm not crying, you're crying, cool

guy told the ‘Other Press’

Klara Woldenga
Humour Editor

 

he Other Press would like to

apologize on our inaccurate
reporting of last week’s event
involving local Vancouver cool
guy, Jack Harris. Despite several
reports we have confirmed that
Harris did not trip and fall in front
of Solly’s Bagels on Main Street.

“lT appreciate the concern,” stated
Harris. “But, frankly, I am tired of the
allegations. I have to come right out
and say it: These witnesses did not
see what they thought they saw.”

Several witnesses state that Harris
was seen quickly exiting Solly’s Bagels
holding a bag of bagels last Friday
at 3 p.m. According to the accounts,
he tripped in a crack in the sidewalk
about two meters away from the door.
He, along with his bagels, dropped
onto the sidewalk. Many witnesses
reported that Harris seemed to have
twisted his ankle upon landing, based
on the fact that they heard him yell
“Ow, my ankle!” Harris then quickly
got up, looked around, and then limped
towards the direction of the SkyTrain.

“T understand how to the untrained
eye it would have seemed that | tripped
and fell,” stated Harris. “I was actually
just doing a new exercise. It makes
sense no one knows about it yet; not

everyone can be ‘with it’ all the time.”

According to Harris, he was
taking part in a new exercise
routine that has a name too sacred
to reveal to non-members.

“It’s the newest thing in Eastern
Europe, particularly in places where
you can’t look up whether or not they
are doing it, or if it’s a thing,” stated
Harris. “It’s an exercise that involves
buying some food, purposefully falling
to the ground, and then letting the
food you just bought also fall to the
ground. You then run as fast as you
can away from everyone’s judgmental
eyes. It’s really a beautiful commentary
on capitalism. I can understand if
you don’t get it—it’s pretty deep.”

When asked about his ankle, Harris
stated that his sprain was also part of
it. “This exercise is extremely hardcore.
They really want your mind and body
to suffer. Only the coolest of the cool
can do it, and that’s why yours truly was
given the gift of this beautiful workout.”

Unfortunately, his statements
did not satisfy the bagels Harris
dropped on the ground during
the incident. Despite this new
information the bagels have refused
to change their own accusations.

“I know what I saw,” the bagels
told the Other Press. “We heard Jack
cry about people looking at him after
falling. He’s not fooling anybody!”

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Have an idea for a story?
M humour@theotherpress.ca

The living people responsible
for these misquotes refuse to
stand down despite authorities
begging them to come forward. In
fact, misquoted celebrities have
been on the rise and now even
include those who are still alive.

“We're technically not doing
anything wrong,” an avid misquoter
said, who asked for their identity to be
protected. “All we’re doing is posting
a photo of a celebrity we like and
adding an inspirational quote next to
them. They should be happy that we're
giving them credit for quotes they've
never said. It’s the original creators
of the quotes that should be angry.”
The anonymous misquoter also added
that it isn’t their fault that anything
on Facebook, Twitter, or Instagram is
automatically deemed real. “People just

don’t know how to fact-check anymore.”

 

(¥Y Large Hadron Collider discovers Satan
particle

(¥ Robot baffled by CAPTCHA

(¥ McBoneface pleads with public to be
more considerate this fall

And more!

Image via esellerpro.com

Some celebrities have taken
more drastic measures in order to
stop misquotes. Martin Luther King
Jr. has promised to take action “by
any means necessary.” John Lennon
has also joined King’s cause. Despite
both being advocates for peace in life,
death has seen a change in the two.
“We will attack anyone who tries to
push their agenda forward by using
our names and photos next to quotes
that aren’t ours.” This sentiment
is supported by other celebrities
who only want to rest in peace.

Nelson Mandela, who has also
been at the brunt end of a plethora
of misquotes, would like to add that
whoever keeps posting quotes he said
next to Morgan Freeman’s photo, “has it
coming.” What “it” is exactly he has yet
to elaborate on.

guy did not trip