Opinions

Laura Kelsey

drsexysex@yahoo.ca

 

 

Don’t Make Me Come Back There!

Laura
Kelsey

opinions editor

    
 

Wy, to go, Chrysler. In an effort

to regain some of the lost ground in

the American car market,
introduced the next
minivan that is bound
to thrill—and kill.

The 2008 “Town &

they have
generation of

Country” minivan is a attention to distractions are a
rolling entertainment good way to get the
system encased anything hesides kids to shut up while
in steel. It comes you drive—or drive
equipped with a distraction. ed the driver to further

media system situated
in the dash for music,
photos, and maps. But if music and still
images aren’t enough to amuse driver
and passengers while cruising through
town and country, then they can switch
to one of two drop-down ceiling screens
that stream satellite television. And if
that still enough to distract—I mean,
entertain—while drivers are supposed

“No one is paying the Chrysler Town

to be watching the road, the kids can
swivel their seats backwards, set up
the table in the centre of the cabin and
play Jenga.

Chrysler claims this new minivan
is “the most innovative family vehicle
on the road.” Are people’s needs for
instant gratification and constant
entertainment stretched to such limits
that driving alone no longer offers
enough stimulation? What happened
to childhood driving games like “Eye
Spy” or “License Plate Bingo?”

With all the pressures of modern
life, it seems as though humans no
longer have time for child rearing,

and this is evident in

& Country. All these

disturbance. Good
thing the minivan has
a five-star safety rating.

But this is what America is all about:
Excess. Americans need more features,
more violence, and more drama. Their
entertainers can’t just entertain with
their art anymore; their personal life has
to be in turmoil, too—just ask good ol’
Britney.

 

Although Canadians can’t claim
innocence when it comes to the adoption
of the Great American Gluttony, we can
feel better knowing that Maury Povich
and Jerry Springer are based out of the
States. Anyone tuning into their shows can
witness the disgusting depths networks
have lowered themselves to in the name

of entertainment. The
Maury Show frequently
broadcasts episodes
comprised solely of
paternity tests, situations
where pain is guaranteed
to one member of the
segment, with children
stuck in the middle.
How will these children
feel when they grow
up and see themselves
on television with
their fathers adamantly
denying their fatherhood?
Maury Povich probably
drives a Chrysler, and so
do his guests—some just
have to add a baby car
seat for their trip home.

New media features in
vehicles could be blamed
for many pedestrian
deaths. But a rise in
personal, hand-held
media devices, such as
cell phones, and mp3
players, could also be to blame. No one
is paying attention to anything besides
distraction.

Leave the TVs at home and give the
kids a book—it’s a heck of a lot safer and

 

smarter.

 

Dear Dr. Sex,

|} lama first-year male student at

- Douglas College. | am really enjoying

_ college life—the ladies are amazing

| here! But I think I may be getting

_ carried away: Since the start of the

| semester, I’ve been going to a lot of

_ the morning college orgies at Denis’s

~ house. I’m usually pretty good, 1 _

| don’t have unprotected sex; but I do
let the ladies gob my knob without

| arubber. Unfortunately, I think

| this has caught up to me! Abouta _

  

   

 

x. ‘
featuring

Dr. Stephen Sex
& Dr. Marilyn Fairchild

who kissed another girl —all while
‘swapping their saliva and my semen.
From there, more kissing went on,
until one of the girls ate out another.
This is all pretty normal at Denis’s
house, but this time the girl got
pregnant. Since I was the only guy

there that time, and she’s a lesbian, she

is blaming me! Am I really the father?
— Cock Ballsdick

_ Dr. Sex: Wow, what a confusing — yet

somehow sexy —situation! Reminds

Dr. Sex: Naw, don’t worry, CB. I’ve

watched a million lesbian videos —I ‘m

like a connoisseur—and they only put
things in, like double-ended dildos and

fists, no babies ever come out!

Dr. Fairchild: Dr. Sex, lesbians have
babies all the time with sperm from
donors. CB, there are a lot of issues
you need to deal with here.

Dr. Sex: Like telling me where this
orgy house is!

Dr. Fairchild: Firstly, you need to go
to a doctor and ensure that you have
not contracted anything from these
clusterfucks. Even though you may

have used condoms during intercourse,

it is still possible to pick up diseases

from oral sex. Orgies are prime places
to pick up sexual souvenirs that you’ll
be paying for, for the rest of your life.

  
 
 
   
  
 

Dr. Fairchild: How do you know this
woman? Casual acquaintance? Friend?
Open the lines of communication with
her. If she really hasn’t been with
another guy then the baby is yours,
and now there are a lot of decisions

to make. She could be scared, and she
needs someone. Even if you are only
an orgy buddy, show that you care—
it’s your responsibility.

 

Dr. Sex: I think he is trying to deflect
responsibility from himself because he
didn’t touch the chick.

Dr. Fairchild: Well that’s why people
call semen a load: because cumming
comes with a /oad of responsibilities.

Dr. Sex: Just wrap it before you tap it,
dude. And that goes for all those who
enjoy a good group grope! Personally,

‘I prefer my buns unbuttered before I

Dr. Sex: Like this new fuck-troph et to them... Thanks for your email!
“month ago, I blew my load ina girl's ™e of my college days... this chick’s got baking a :
air child: | - Got a question for the docs? Email
= : Of free Ci ae wasn the Dr. Fairchild: Secondly, you have to —_ drsexysex@yahoo.ca
” oo 8. _talk to this woman about this strange