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OU LAM i HIS WEEK pe eens

Top Ten Reasons Why DLC is Better than the New West Campus

By Brady Ehler, Coquitlam Rep.

You know, I’ve been hearing a lot
of flak about the David Lam
Campus (DLGY recently; snobbish
and exclusive New Westers have
been calling my home-town cam-
pus vile names, like “impish” and
“highschoolesque.”

One person asked me why he
knows that none of the David Lam
students ever buy glasses in the
Dispensing Optician’s store. When
I asked him why, he told me that if
they had, they’d realize they were
going to school in not so much a
college as a shoebox with white-
boards.

Another person had the tenacity
to claim that David Lam is inferior
to the New West Campus in every
conceivable way. Rest assured,
faithful readers, I gave this person
stern tongue-lashing (in a com-
pletely non-sexual way, mind you). I
realize that the New West Campus
is the main branch of Douglas
College, and as such, it is bigger
and better than the DLC in a lot of
ways, but the Coquitlam campus
does have some virtues of its own
and since my original idea for the
article this week didn’t pan out
(cough cough), I thought Id list a
few. So here are, in ascending
order, the top-ten reasons why the
David Lam campus is better than
New West campus.

10) David Lam is environmen-
tally friendly

Yep, right there in the concourse
there is a big bin for recycled bat-
teries. Do you have a battery bin,
New West? What’s that? No? Oh.
Oh well, I guess you don’t care
about the environment. Yeah, the
en-vi-ron-ment, you know—where
we live. Jerks.

9) DLC’s got Red Berries, bitch
Right there in the concourse. Red
Berries. No, it’s not delicious vine
fruit; it’s a shop for delicious cof-
fee. But Brady, you might say, New
West has a coffee place in the
upper cafeteria, to which I would
reply, yeah, but is it called “Red
Berries?” I think not.

8) Secret make-out spaces
Yes sir. They are on the top level,
hidden in secret passageways. They

are secret study spaces by day, secret make-out
spaces by night. When I first learned the
secret, I was so shocked that I had to skip
class...to go home and cry away my horrible,
horrible loneliness.

7) It’s not how big your college is, but how
you use it

There are a lot of advantages to going to the
smaller campus; there is roughly the same
amount of computers in the DL library as in
the NW library, yet less students. There are
shorter lines in the cafeteria, its easier to book
an appointment for the Learning Centre, or
counseling (not that I’d know, STOP JUDG-
ING ME)), and it also takes less time to get
from one class to the other. You’re in and out
in no time...because you got mad control like
that.

6) David Lam’s got all the right curves

The DLC is, simple put, a sexy-looking cam-
pus, unlike the gigantic and unattractive New
West campus with its boxy form and clumsy
features. In fact, ’m going to take DLC on a
date, and drive by the New West campus just

to make it jealous.

5) Concourse made for chillin’

The David Lam concourse is heated, it has
tables, and huge, plush chairs for lounging.
You all know what the competition is like.
Need I say more?

4) Free phone calls

You heard right. The DLC has two, count ‘em
two courtesy phones for your convenience—
one in the concourse and one in the adjacent
hallway. To be fair, I’m not sure whether the
New West campus has courtesy phones or
not. If so, then they are hidden deep within
the recesses of the campus, where few dare to
tread.

3) Superior location

The DLC is located on the scenic fringes of
downtown Coquitlam and is within walking
distance of a huge park and recreational area,
which contains a skate-park, basketball courts,
a BMX track, etc. It is also within walking dis-
tance of the aquatic centre, the public library,
the mall, and the bus loop. What does New

West have in answer? Concrete and drug
addicts. Oh, and a massive hill to walk up
every day. Awesome.

(Hey Guy, never underestimate the recuperative powers
of crack and Scruffy McGuires—Ed.)

2) Other courses

The David Lam campus offers some courses
that aren’t available in New West. But Brady,
you might say, “New West has many more
courses available than Coquitlam,” to which I
would reply, “Shut up you commie pinko bas-
tard.”

1) More earthquake resistance

As my Geology 1121 professor pointed out,
when the big one hits, students in the New
West campus are “screwed.” Granted, much of
the glass was replaced by Plexiglas, so when
the massive, imminent earthquake hits, stu-
dents no longer face the threat of being sliced
open by falling shards of glass. Unfortunately,
they still run the risk of being crushed to
death by falling of metal, brick, and concrete.
Enjoy.