issue 14// vol 45 humour // no. 17 Guy just snorting away over there > Sniff... sniff... SNNNORT Isabelle Orr Entertainment Editor 12" Sunday, Vancouver residents were reated to local Jude Heizer just really jumbling everything up good in his sinus cavities. “Tt’s amazing, really,” bystander Benjamin Mush told reporters. “I’ve been listening to him snort for over six hours now. I’m not sure how much mucus he has in his nose—one would think at least a metric tonne. This is truly an amazing day for everyone involved.” Some would call it a tale as old as time. Heizer had been caught unawares in a torrential downpour without an umbrella, severely weakening his immune system. Insiders speculated that this was the root cause of him catching the very cold that was the catalyst for his record-breaking snorting. Patrons and workers of the Vancouver Public Library’s Central branch were privy to the alarming wet rattles emerging from Heizer’s nostril cavities. Head librarian Gwendolyn Pierce was around for the beginning of the awe- inspiring noises. “At first I thought there was a pug loose in here,” Pierce said. “I hunted around for the dog for a while. As you know, animals aren't allowed in public libraries. ] thought to myself, those ungodly noises couldn't possibly be coming out of a human being. Then I rounded the corner and BAM! There he was!” One of the most surprising things about Heizer's case is his apparent disregard for those around him. “I know I, personally, would feel uncomfortable about just sniffing and snorting away like a hippo in a mangrove swamp,’ Sierra Hawes, another library patron, told press. “But the way he just keeps going without stopping? Wow. Good for him.” Another oddity is Heizer’s lack of tissues or Kleenex. What does this mean? Other Press reporters talked to SFU’s Biology Department head, N.E. Bodie. “Usually, people with a cold will blow their nose into a tissue, or at least dab at it to alleviate leaks,” Bodie said. “Snot can be either thin and runny or thick and viscous. Either way, you'll always want to keep those sinus pathways nice and clear. But in Heizer’s case—I haven't the slightest idea what’s going on there. It’s like he’s actively trying to keep the snot in. I don’t know why he wouldn't just blow his nose like a normal person.” When asked if it was possible if Heizer was moving mucus from one nostril to the other, Bodie shook his head. “No, that’s not how the human body works. That’s not how any of this works!” As reporters took interviews back at the library, they were alerted to a new development in the case. Pierce rounded the corner and beckoned the press to follow. “Come quick! You're going to want to see this!” Press followed Pierce down the aisle to where Heizer was making noises like a fish in its death throes. He had begun to clear his throat loudly and viciously, while turning his head to spit directly onto the floor. When asked for comment, Heizer had only one thing to say: “I’m gonna start dry coughing next. And no—I don’t have any plans to cover my mouth.” Local woman lives without text acronyms > ‘The future is rn’ Isabelle Orr Entertainment Editor (€T feel so free,’ Melanie Bark told press. “I’ve never felt this good IRL.” Bark, a 24-year-old-student, has finally learned how to assert herself over text without compromise. “Tt’s about time,” she added. Bark, like many others her age, has an unfortunate text affliction that sociologist Peter Krauss has named “textbarassment.” “Yes, it’s a horrible portmanteau. I probably could’ve worked harder on that one,” Krauss sheepishly told press. “Anyway, textbarassment is when someone feels that they're coming on too strong over text and uses an excess of acronyms to alleviate their own words—even when it’s not needed.” In Bark’s case, she would often use the acronym LOL (meaning “laugh out loud”). “Even when I wasn't really laughing at all,” Bark said. However, LOL wasn’t her only vice. A deep search into her iMessage and Messenger history revealed Bark’s “textbarassment” went deeper than Other Press reporters could have ever guessed. “I remember Melanie once asked me for an extension on a paper she was writing,” Professor Jeanette McCradle recounted. “At least I thought that’s what she was asking. She emailed something along the lines of, ‘hey prof. McCradle! sorry could I PLS have an extension Imaoooo FML FML FML). There were so many acronyms thrown in there that I wasn't sure if she was serious or not. I ended up giving her a failing grade. Had I known she suffered from ‘textbarassment..’ well, it might've been a different story. I still would have failed her, but it would’ve been a different story.” Krauss explains that the need for “textbarassment” can stem from several different sources. “Primarily, ‘textbarassment’ can affect those with low self-esteem or people who don’t want to ask people to do things outright. More young women than men have textbarassment because modern society shames them for asking for anything, and many don’t want to appear to be ‘needy’ or ‘rude’ But usually textbarassment results in the receiver being more annoyed than if the texter just said what they wanted to say outright.” Even Bark’s family suffered at the hands of her “textbarassment.” “Our Grandma Heather passed away last April,’ Bark’s sister Juliette told reporters. “I was away at school in Montreal and got Melanie's text during finals week. It said, ‘grandma died Imfao, and I was like, did grammy die? Was Melanie just making a joke? It was horrible and I’ve honestly never forgiven her for it. I’m glad that she’s finally taken control over her texting. It’s long overdue.” Bark’s horrible texting often interfered with her social life. “I thought Melanie tried to ask me out once, but I wasn’t sure,” local heartthrob Christopher Seward told press. “It would get to the point where I couldn't really tell what she was asking me. There were so many ‘LOLLLL’s and ‘hahahahahaha’s thrown in that I couldn’t make sense of it. I thought it was a joke or something. I’m married with a kid on the way now. Too bad? Bark stated that she is excited to start the new chapter of her life. “Finally, I can say how I really feel. No need to sound cool or laid back. Here’s hoping 2019 is my year—YOLO"” Five sexy ways to say ‘Baby, I have a winter cold’ » As the outdoor temperature lowers, your internal temperature rises! Isabelle Orr Entertainment Editor h, winter. The sexiest season— bodacious snowmen, a jolly fat man sneaking into your house, and so many layers of damp wool that you can’t really tell what anyone looks like. Are you trying to cozy up to someone under the mistletoe, but feel thwarted by a vicious sinus cold? Have no fear! Here's five easy ways to tell your special someone, “Baby, prepare to be sick for five-to-eight days!” Illustration by Cara Seccafien # j a | Li ’ — Make a path of wadded-up tissues leading towards your bed Muy caliente, readers! Your mucus-filled tissues will remind your SO about other mucous-membrane-related activities. As a bonus, you will have an endless supply of tissues to reach for if things get horizontal. No more running out of the room trying to hold the snot in; everything—and everyone—you need is within arm’s reach. Cover your (or your partner’s) body in Vick’s VapoRub A surefire way to make things tingle! This sexy medicated ointment will help you clear the phlegm out of your chest and sinus cavities while also doubling as a massage oil that is sure to please. Let the VapoRub loosen both your chest and your inhibitions. But be careful! Don’t put this rub anywhere below the belt—unless you guys are into that. No judgment, fair readers. Wear your snot-covered housecoat with nothing underneath Oh yeah, you know the one. The one your aunt got you. The nubby old grey one that feels like a towel. The pockets are big enough to stuff tissues in one and a bottle of Buckley’s Mucus & Phlegm in the other. Walk up behind your special someone and snuffle, “Guess what I’m wearing,” into their ear. When they find that your clammy, fever-ridden body is completely nude underneath, yowza! Prepare for a night of trying to retain consciousness as illness rips through you like a hot, sexy knife through sexy butter. Runa cold bath All right readers, things are getting a little too hot. Let’s cool things down a little, shall we? While you struggle to find a sitting position that doesn’t make your whole body ache, have your lover run a nice, cool bath. Lower your disease-ridden body into the freezing cold tub and, to your surprise, discover that it feels like a nice, lukewarm, freshwater spring. What's that, baseball legend Babe Ruth? I might actually be really sick? Why is deceased New York Yankees pitcher Babe Ruth talking to me from my toilet? Sexy ride to the hospital Jenkies, readers! Looks like you underestimated your own illness. Have your sweet, sweet partner drive you to the ER. Feel free to pose in an alluring way, like sticking your head out of the window like a dog on the way to the vet. Bonus points! This position allows you to throw up without letting your caring driver know that you're emptying the acidic contents of your stomach onto their passenger side door. Looks like you'll be out for this round, reader! But don’t fret, you're on your way to one of the sexiest destinations of all time: the hospital! Don't forget your backless dressing gown ;)