humour / 22

Breaking news:
Local girl ‘literally can't even’

theotherpress.ca

 

Chandler Walter
Contributor

I? a recent incident, a young
teen, Jessica Roe, evidently
“could not begin to even,”

as posted on her friend’s
Instagram photo last Saturday.

The photograph in
question was of a newly
purchased TNA sweater
with the caption, “So rdy 4
#Autumn.”

How exactly this event
went on to make young Jessica
of Coquitlam cease to even
remains a mystery, but luckily
an ambulance arrived on scene
at the local Starbucks within
minutes.

Police officer Rickross
Kennedy was first to respond.
“It was the usual procedure,”
Kennedy told us on that Hefe-
filtered fall day. “We managed

: to get a PSL into her stat, with
: the help of our friends from

: Starbucks, and then had her

: count by twos, slowly.”

“Though, it was a close

: one,” Kennedy confided to us.
: “If we had gotten there two,

: or even four minutes later, she
: would have been a goner.”

By the time the

: firetruck arrived, Jessica was

: rediscovering eight. All that

: was left at the scene of the

: incident was a heavily dog-

: eared Fifty Shades of Grey and
: a Metro newspaper crossword
: that had numbers filled into

: the squares.

“IT didn’t have a damn clue

: what she was saying,” said the
: fire chief. “I just knew that

: there was an emergency, and so :
: here we are. It was so odd. She
: could barely even at all.”

Roe’s friend, Tasha Lanes,

: is currently in custody at the

: local police station awaiting
: questioning, though the sweater
: is still nowhere to be found.

: that at least 60 per cent of

: Instagram users at some point

: lose their ability to even, which
: is but a stepping stone to the

: darker side of social media, as

: seen earlier this
: summer in the

: fatal incident

: when Rebecca

: Meerscats

: claims that she
: “literally died.”

: is no way to stop

: this ever-growing

: issue, and we can

: only look towards our

: local Starbucks baristas to
: try their best in fighting this
uphill battle.

   
    
   
  
 

Recent statistics show

  

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It seems there

government, police, and

 

 

A sexier Halloween

» Costumes that are dripping with sex appeal for Halloween 2014

Mercedes Deutscher
Staff Writer

re you tired of going to

Halloween parties as the
generic sexy police officer,
nurse, or cat? Do you want a
change in costume while still
keeping a sensual appeal?
Rather than using the same
old costumes, try these new
and original sexy costumes
that will make you the hottest
guest at any Halloween party!

4. Sexy Gandalf: Nothing is
more sexy than power. You'll
be the most magical person in
the room as Sexy Gandalf. A lot
of people at Halloween parties
shall not pass compared to
you.

 

1s 1 alweys legal

_CoKM 2 woman?

ty:

8. Sexy Sharknado: No one
will want to bring a chainsaw —

    

 

 

 

1. Sexy Soup Can: Nothing
says sexy like a hot can of
soup. In this piece, you will be
savoury and delicious. Attract
the hungriest by taking it one
step further and dressing as
Sexy Chunky Soup.

5. Sexy Hockey Player: This
costume shows that not only
can you play the game, but
take all the bumps and bruises
that go with it. Do not forget
the missing teeth and sweat.
These will make or break the
costume. Is anything more
attractive than body odour and
teeth? No. Nothing at all.

 

 

2. Sexy Lobster: Lobsters are
expensive, elegant, and tasty.
Wear a Sexy Lobster costume,
and it'll be clear that you are a
person of high class who isn’t
too uptight.

6. Sexy Toast: You'll be the
breadwinner if you choose to
dress as Sexy Toast. A healthy
breakfast is oh-so-sensual.
Step up your costume from
crumby to crispy by rolling
around in Nutella and peanut
butter before showing up at
the party.

 

 

3. Sexy SpongeBob: Appeal
both sexually and nostalgically
as the ever-so-sexy SpongeBob
SquarePants. Make sure to
take some time to perfect that
laugh.

 

7. Sexy Chicken: Not only will
you be able to show off your
flair with some feathers, you
can be the life of the party!
Chickens come with a dance
that has been passed down
through the generations. Just
don’t have so much fun that
you pop out an egg.

 

      
    
 

after you charm and attract a “PN ip Wh) 4a
as Sexy Sharknado. You will Res a ea,
be fierce, and people will find * — ; ij ae
you intriguing with a streak of - 2 Va a | Min Se
danger. ~~ s 1 e ( &

/ a \ 4 J » = F
g. Sexy Olaf: There are ‘Wig 3 S o' ;
few costumes cooler than Ze yi ' F y
Sexy Olaf. You and bae can : y a

i a

  

fantasize over what you will
do in summer. This costume
will make everyone so hot

for you that you'll be worth
melting foro. Sexy Axe:

No, not as a weapon/tree-
extracting tool. We mean Sexy
Axe Body Spray. One whiff of
you and surely everyone at the
party will want to be close to
you and your decadent aroma.

pl

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Pea he) 7estage Meter
Big
= “Uh, yeah—has been

 

for a while now, Ted Bundy.”