Shis issue:

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Been told you're too funny?

Contact: Sharon Miki, Humour Editor
(YW Youtube Comedy Classics: Marshmallow People 3

(Y Spaceman & Chet

M4 humour@theotherpress.ca

www theotherpress.ca

And more!

 

Man sues

Gwyneth Paltrow
over misleading

diet advice

» Anti-’Wellness’ cleanse leads to sugar
coma and extreme bloating

Sharon Miki

4. Humour Editor
4 humour
@theotherpress.ca

 

rior to 2014, Hamish

McMuffin was just a regular
guy who happily spent his
days dishing out TCBY fro-yo
to greedy moviegoers at the
Cineplex in Coquitlam. Since
January, however, the 23-year-
old aspiring yogurt franchiser
has been fighting the worst
intestinal battle of his life—no
thanks to that skinny bitch
Gwyneth Paltrow and her
advocacy of confusing wellness
cleanses—and he’s suing-mad
over it.

“I mean, I figured it’s a
new year—a new chance for
romance,” explained McMuffin,
who has loudly stated his
intentions to “sue the skinny,
skinny pants” off of Paltrow.

“I wanted to slim down and

get it tight and right for the
ladies, and I thought to myself
‘who's slimmer than Gwyn?’—
so I decided to check out her
website for some tips. How was
I to know that it would be the
tip of my tummy-time iceberg
nightmare?”

Indeed, McMuffin’s
life took a terrible twist
when he skimmed Paltrow’s
popular lifestyle website,
goop, for weight-loss ideas,
and discovered detailed and
boring instructions on how to
conduct a post-holiday cleanse.

information, McMuffin used
a speed-reading technique to
get the gist of it. Based on his
reading comprehension, he
figured that he could “detox”
by eliminating the things he
saw mentioned on Paltrow’s
website—like fruits, vegetables,
and water.

“What was I supposed to
think?” said McMuffin. “I’m

: hearing all these words like

: ‘wellness’ and ‘eliminate’ and

: ‘leafy greens’—so naturally I

: assumed that Ms. Paltrow was
: suggesting that she gets her

: rockin’ bod from not eating

: junk that tastes bad, right?”

At first, McMuffin enjoyed

: the cleanse. “I felt really good

: about myself, and I was proud

: that I had made that difficult

: leap towards putting my health
: first. I definitely looked down

: on those around me.”

However, after completing

: a17-day binge of fast food,

: cake, and (veggie-less) pizza,

: McMuffin was shocked to

: discover that he had not

: actually lost any weight; on the

: contrary, he had gained eight

: pounds and his skin looked like
: a dirty sex store parking lot.

: Even worse, that girl that he sort
: of liked from down the street

: declined his offer to watch

: movies in his basement with

: him. The cleanse was a failure.

: Adding insult to gastrointestinal
: injury, McMuffin’s recognition

: of the detox’s malfunction

: coincided with a bad case of

: Whopper-induced diarrhea.

McMuffin is currently

: crowdsourcing on Facebook for

: a pro bono lawyer to take on his
: case, as he wants to get the word
: out about the fallacy of weight-

: loss cleanses. “I don’t want some
: innocent person to make the

: same mistake I did, and to miss

: out on a basement date with

: Susie from down the street,”

: said McMuffin.
Instead of reading the complete :

When reached for

: comment, Paltrow’s
: representatives noted that
: McMuffin was “an idiot.”

 

The Mis-Adventures of the
Princess of Royal Ave

By Sharon Miki

; a
7 Ee
roces of Woyad toe

athe cee ee

 

EH, | GUESS... I'M SURE MY LOYAL
SUBJECTS WILL BE THRILLED TO SEE ME ON
CAMPUS, THOUGH.

HAPPY NEW YEAR, YOUR
HIGHNESS!

 

; IT MUST BE SO COOL TO BE A PRINCESS! MY
S-] SUBJECTS ARE NEVER LOYAL... MATH IS ALWAYS

GIVING ME A HARD TIME, AND BIOLOGY CAN BE A
REAL DICK SOMETIMES.

Spaceman & Chet

By Elliot Chan

THE
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