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NEWS 60 PerUSE, AINUSE,

Report

pr Missing: Scientology the Culprit

Raoul Manik, Fake News Correspondent

Editor’s Note — Oh God, not
another bloody Scientology article.
What have I done to deserve this?
As usual, the opinions—implied or
expressed, real or fake—of individ-
ual Other Press writers, are not
necessarily representative of all staff
and contributors of the Other
Press.

Section Editor’s Note — Fake
news correspondent Raoul Manik
has been missing since late last
month. His absence wouldn’t even
have been noticed when he missed
yet another deadline at the Other
Press, had it not been for a call from
the bartender at the Ivanhoe. He
informed me that “that drunk shit
from your paper who’s always down
here left some junk behind that you
better come pick up.” Left behind at
the Hoe were his journal and tape
recorder. What follows is the pieced
together account of what happened
to him. Notes from his journal have
been added to the tape he left
behind.

It happened innocently enough. I was
minding my own business at a downtown
café when I noticed hin—hard to imagine
being snuck, up on by someone so recogniz-
able, but I didn’t even see him coming until
his head popped up over the giant latte cup
on my table. He was brief: He handed me
something with trembling hands and hur-
ried movements, fear welling within his
eyes. Dumbfounded, I looked down at a
crumpled cocktail napkin and unfolded it.
Scrawled on it: Please, help me! Before
I could process what was happening, he
was gone—out the door of Blenz and
sprinting down Robson Street, a limo
chasing after his little strides. I looked
back down at the napkin. Below his plea
there was a place and time: The
Ivanhoe, Midnight. I gasped. He must
be in trouble.

It was then that I knew I must help
Tom Cruise escape from the Church of
Scientology.

Raoul Manik: Why meet here at
the Ivanhoe, Mr. Cruise?

| OUNEPPPSS

Tom Cruise: Because there are no
souls here so their E meters can’t
trace us.

RM: E meters? What in the name
of God are you talking about?

TC: Nothing. Pve said too much.
And it’s Xenu, not God.

RM: ...Okay then. Bartender,
another round. Mine’ll be a double
this time.

The bartender brought our drinks while
Cruise went to the can: Glenfiddich for me,
a pear cider for him. He had asked for a

lime wedge but was ignored.

RM: Now why are they after you,
Mr. Cruise?

TC: Because I want out, that’s why.
Damnit, this cider tastes like cheap
champagne without the lime. It
even smells funny. Cider, (sniff
sniff), you stink.

RM: Frankly, I don’t know why
you'd join in the first place. The
whole damn cult seems corrupt.
TC: It’s not a cult; it’s an applied
religious philosophy. Scientology is
a self-help guide to fixing your self-
perceived Ata a:
pay-as-you-go plan towards person-
al vanity through salvation.

RM: So why'd you join? You're
Tom frickin’ Cruise. You ditched
Nicole Kidman for Penelope Cruz.
You’re fucking Maverick man.
Why'd you:do it?

TC: Dump Nicole? Well...

RM: No, join Scientology.

TC: Oh. Because I’m (inaudible).
RM: Sorry?

TC: Because I’m short damnit, and
they promised they’d make me
taller.

inadequacies.

RM: You can’t be serious. You

joined a cult that has had high-rank-
ing members indicted and put in jail
for conspiracy and theft because
you wanted to be taller?

TC: Yes. And now I want out
because they have told me nothing
but lies.

RM: About Xenu?

TC: No, about making me taller.
Look at me man!

 

KO Roey

If Xenu could take Travolta from Look Who’s Talking Now

 

 

id

to Pulp Fiction, imagine what he could do for you.

RM: Honestly Mr. Cruise. Isn’t
joining a religion created by a sci-
ence fiction writer a lot like taking
diet tips from Kirstie Alley? There’s
just a fundamental conflict of inter-
est in it. How could you ever believe
what you were hearing? L. Ron
Hubbard said that aliens from
Venus dropped an H-Bomb on
Earth and then showed the sur-
vivors movies about God and Satan.
His own son fled the Church and
had to go into hiding to protect his
family for fear of reprisal. You guys
made Battlefield Earth. What the fuck
is wrong with your What would
make you believe that nonsense?
TC: He told it to us on his cruise
ship.

RM: Oh, was it nice?
TC: Gorgeous. It
kitchens...

RM: Really?

TC: ...a dining hall, tennis courts...
RM: Sounds nice.

TC: ...it really was...

RM: Are you fucking mental? ’'m
getting out of here.

TC: No, please don’t! I need your
help. Please. Please help me escape.
RM: (Sigh) What can I do, Mr.
Cruise?

TC: I have a plane waiting for me at
the airport with a private pilot.

had two

From there we'll fly to Switzerland.
Right now I need you to come with
me to collect my things from the
Church. Here’s our ride.

A limo has pulled up outside—Ive been
had!

RM: Mr. Cruise, what’s the name of
the pilot?

TC: It’s John. Why?

RM: (A rustling sound) Get your
hands off of me Tom! I’m going
nowhere.

TC: I need you to come with me to
collect my things from the Church.
RM: No, Tom!

TC: You must come or they'll flat-
ten us like buttons.

RM: Now that doesn’t even make
sense.

TC: You must come and watch the
movies with me.

RM: Let go of me Mav...(tape
ends).

Section Editor’s Note — If you
have any knowledge of Raoul’s
whereabouts, please tell him he’s
fired and to stop leaving gibberish
messages at the office about how
much Battlefield Earth and Vinnie
Barbarino rock. We’re sick of it,
dude.

| { i; a
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