NEWS Bathoy Leads Lightnin Strike: John McLullen, OP Foreign Correspondent The intensity in Iraq has increased enor- mously this week as suspected member of the American Special Ops team, Batboy, has led a series of incredibly effective attacks against insurgent forces. New video obtained by the Other opnew i Press shows a group of masked men car- rying RPGs and assault rifles being attacked one by one by an unseen assailant. The final man, screaming and firing wildly into the air until his clip is entirely spent, breaks the momentary silence by screaming, translated from Farsi, “WHO ARE YOU?!” Another moment of silence is broken by a shrill cry until a horrifying face emerges and says, “I’m Batboy.” At this point the video ends. This is only the latest in a series of videos, photos, and terrified ramblings of local nutjobs, telling of a half boy, half bat terrorizing the enemies of freedom. The US army continues to deny that Batboy is indeed on US payroll. While dismissive of any Batboy con- nection, Grand Field Marshall Amherst Campbell admitted that the army had enlisted help from Bigfoot, Gremlins, the A-Team, the Six Million Dollar Man, Jesus, Knight Rider, and Michael Bolton on a single-mission contract basis to help gitordemai.com.- fight the War on Terror. He insisted, how- ever, that the idea of hiring a half boy, half bat was “just plain silly.” White House press secretary Scott McClellan has also refused to comment on Batboy’s rumoured participation in the liberation of the people of Iraq. “The American government would not never not consider never hiring a creature such as Batboy to fight the war on terror,” McClellan told reporters. When approached for comment by local reporters at an appearance at a pre- school in Providence, Rhode Island, Vice President Dick Cheney responded by fir- ing an elephant gun wildly, killing three and injuring seven. So, while the US government remains tight lipped about any possible participation, insurgents in Iraq will no doubt quiver in fear knowing that the “fangy,” pointy-eared bat of justice and liberty is hiding in shadows ready to show them the peril of their evil ways. Fight on, Batboy! Stephen Harper Reveals New Conservative Platform...and True Nature Nicholas VonEhlerstein PhD, OP Contributor 4 Recently, the Conservative Party of Canada has come under fire on two fronts. The lack of public confidence is due to both drastic changes in the party’s platform, and a stunning revelation concerning Stephen Harper’s biologi- cal make up and questionable humanity. In a recent press conference, Harper announced a shift in the Conservative Party mandate. The new party platform will put less emphasis on smaller, centralized government, economic freedom, and stronger military, and more emphasis on absolute dictatorship, ethnic cleansing, and baby eating. When asked what inspired these changes in the funda- mental pillars of the party, Harper responded, “We at the Conservative Party feel that for too long there has been very little difference between the left and the right. In the past, politicians and party-leaders have been too afraid to get behind the issues that really matter to them in favour of safer, middle-of-the road mandates. Oppressing the powerless and devouring delicious, delicious babies are two ideals that are very important in my life, ideals that I’m willing to fight for.” When one reporter asked if Harper was “indeed the son of the Devil,’ the Prime Minister responded with fer- vor, “I am most certainly not the Devil! I have spoken to him on occasion, and I have received small campaign con- tributions from him, but I am most certainly not, I repeat not, The Prince of Darkness.” During this outburst, Harper’s eyes briefly turned a bright, glowing red colour, much to the alarm of those in attendance. The eye-glow- ing incident was caught on tape and left everyone guess- ing as to what Harper’s origins actually are. Common theories on Harper’s true nature include the possibility that he is an android, a warlock, and, of course, The Prince of Darkness. However, all of these have proved false. Harper, under pressure from his colleagues, has since come clean about his origins. In a recent interview for the CBC, Harper stated the following: “People have been call- ing me all sorts of names since the eye-glowing incident, from Anti-Christ to Black-Hearted Demonoid, but there just isn’t any truth to these claims. I am merely a cyber- netic vampire with the sole aim of enslaving the world’s population...and sucking blood from infants, of course.” Shockingly, the recent developments haven’t seemed to shake party loyalty. One young Conservative, Douglas College’s own, J.J. McCullough, clarifies, “Well, its not like most of us conservative supporters didn’t see this com- ing. Frankly, I’m just glad it’s finally out there so everyone knows where we stand and politics can continue as usual.”