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Trudeau grows a beard

to convince voters that

he is Jagmeet Singh

» His first plan to impersonate the NDP leader didn’t go too well

Craig Allan
Staff Writer

 

fter an election in which Justin

Trudeau won, but with a downgrade to
a minority government, Trudeau is looking
to find a new way to reach Canadian voters.
With his liberal base being eroded by the
increasing mistrust of his government,
Trudeau is looking for any way to gain back
voters. Maybe the best way to get back
voters is not by policy or a good-natured
personality. Maybe the best way to get back
voters is... to convince voters he’s someone
else? Specifically another, more popular
leader, Jagmeet Singh. Thus, Trudeau
began his devious plan to trick the voting
public by donning a salt and pepper beard.

This is not the first time Trudeau
has tried to be Singh. This has been a
long process sprawling over decades.
Trudeau always knew he was going to be
facing Singh in a contest of election and
personality—he found this out when he
got a psychic premonition from an old man
at a mystical shop. In actuality this was
just a scammer with two brain cells, but

Trudeau was outfoxed and accepted the
premonition as authentic. From then, he
began sewing his cloak of trickery, which
he dubbed “Operation Impersonmeet.”
His first attempt came in 2001, at the
Point Grey School’s Arabian Nights themed
party, where Trudeau was a teacher. This
would be a great opportunity to lay some
track for his eventual sleight of hand,
or more likely face. For that party, he
dressed in a turban and brownface, which
he insisted on calling makeup for some
reason. Trudeau could not tell anyone of
his plan. This is assumed because surely
someone would have told him that it was
wrong, and that Singh is of Indian ancestry,
which is different from Arabia.
Unfortunately, Trudeau did not count
on the sands in the hourglass changing
over time. The media grew bigger, varied,
and far more critical. His plan to trick
everyone was as transparent as glass. The
reveal almost caused him the election, but
luckily due to the dense fog of confusion
surrounding opponent Andrew Sheer and
the Conservative party, Trudeau was able
to win the election. However, Singh surged

towards the end
of the campaign,
and though the
New Democratic
Party lost 18 seats
in the election,
Trudeau knew
that Singh was
still a threat to
his crown as
future king of
Canada. With
his brain trust
around him,
Trudeau asked
what he should
do to advance his plan. His team suggested
growing a beard. Trudeau wanted to add
wearing a towel around his head and to
start speaking in an Indian accent, saying “I
can talk with an accent, I’ve been to India!”
His team shot that down immediately
though.

When Trudeau emerged at the
beginning of the 2020s with a new
beard, the media was perplexed. Why
was Trudeau growing this beard? Was it

 

humour // no. 17

¢ Trudeau grows a beard to convince
voters that he is Jagmeet Singh

e The sweet, the creepy, and the clingy
* Space Geographer

..and more

 

Illustration by Janis McMath

to look older? More distinguished? Get
that “daddy” look going? No one knew

for sure, but Trudeau did. Soon no one
will be able to tell the difference between
him and Singh. Now all he needs to do is
get his hands on the keys to the makeup
supplies, which have been locked up in the
hardest place for Trudeau to get to. The
border between Alberta and Saskatchewan.
He’s just shades away from being Jagtin
Sindeau!

Types of customers at a restaurant

>» The sweet, the creepy, and the clingy

Tania Arora
Staff Writer

 

have been a server for almost two years

now and I can surely say that I never get
bored of my job. Every day I come across
hundreds of people and just four won't be
enough to categorize them all, but I am
sure every reader can relate to this. Which
one are you?

The tongue-entwined couple

If you are one of those couples who displays
all the affection and love for your partner
nowhere on earth except exclusively at

the restaurant I work at, then you need to
hear this—GET A ROOM! It becomes so
awkward for a server to go to the table to do
their job and actually be like “Hey, can you
take that hand of her skirt or his crotch and
pass me that plate because I am not able

to reach that far?” Or if you're lucky: “Can
you actually take that tongue out of your
partner's gaping mouth and tell me how
the food tastes or if you need anything? I
want to ensure that my job is done, and I
am not screwed for not giving my best shot
even though you people are disgusting.”

People who think everyone is a server
Yes, the food and beverage industry is all
about serving the best of delicacies with
top notch service and everyone you see
under that roof is there to do the same.
BUT... there is a reason that a person is
assigned to serve a particular section.
When you take a seat your server comes to
you to greet you, asks you how you are and
generally screams their name in your face

 

to clarify that it is exclusively them that
that will serve you tonight. These subtle
social cues basically translate that the same
person is your point of contact all night.
But this category of people will stop every
person, their mother, their extended family,
and their long-lost estranged brother
walking past them to ask for something.
Like, what?

The grumpy ones

I feel bad for such kind of people. I feel
like going up to them and asking, “Hey,
did someone slap you in your face or steal
your money?” They are always rude and
grumpy all the time and act as if the server
is the reason behind all the decades of
accumulated personal problems in their

life.

Poor joke category

Yes, even if you crack the dumbest of all
jokes, I would still laugh. But then this
category of dumb-joke crackers won't stop
after one... every single time you go to their
table, they crack a poor joke. God bless the
soul of the server who has the strength to
laugh at every single one of those jokes.

A whole 5000-word essay could be
written on the types of people existing in
a restaurant. No matter how your day was
and who you are with, you have no right to
ruin the day of your server. The least you
can do is be considerate and sweet and
who knows? Maybe you'll actually get good
service once you deserve it.