The “Other” News

Jellystone Park wams campers about “smarter than
average” Deals 55 ian sven

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Sait at Jellystone National Park are warning campers to be on the lookout for bears in the
park who have become accustomed to human contact, and may have lost their fear of humans.

Speaking to reporters outside the park, Ranger Smith of Jellystone Park staff told campers
of precautions they could take.

“We strongly urge campers to be aware of aggressive bears in our park,” Smith told
reporters. “We recommend all campers use extreme caution, especially when dealing with their
families’ pic-a-nic baskets.”

The bears can be identified by their unusual appearance. One bear is over seven feet tall,
while the other stands no taller than three feet. The tall bear is distinctive for wearing a green
pork pie hat along with a white collar and green tie. The shorter bear wears a purplish-blue
bowtie.

“We believe that the bears got these articles of clothing by mauling several elderly
campers and devouring their corpses,” said Smith. “These bears are vicious; there’s no doubt
about it.”

Though park staff have no official names for the bears, the short one has been nicknamed
“Booboo” for his tendency to cause severe facial lacerations, and the tall one has been named

“Yogi” after he killed and ate an entire group of yoga practitioners within the park.
Campers can also identify the bears by the rhyming speech pattern the larger one uses, and
by the sound of their running, which resembles bongo drums being played rapidly or coconuts
beings knocked together in a comical fashion. According to Smith, the bears have been known
to “stay cool when things are hot.”

While the bears have been known to steal picnic baskets and other food stuffs, they are
also known for general mischief around the park. For example, every park sign reading “Do
not feed the bears” has been ingeniously altered to read “Do feed the bears.”

Smith remains dedicated\to catching the bears. He says that other pests of Jellystone Park
like blue dogs, pink mountain lions and gun-slinging horses have all been apprehended and
euthanized under his watch. A he EOE Neg

“These animals are a menace to every good citizen who comes to our parks with family
members, loved ones, or an unsuspecting ham,” said Smith. “And to those darned bears in the
forest, one thing’s for sure: Ranger Smith isn’t going to like this, Yogi!”

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Stephen Harper shows qualifications as leader by
wearing sweater VeSt 5y:is: sis:

€ ae leader Stephen Harper showed his true colours as a warm and caring leader by donning a
charming sweater vest last week.

The prime minister is in the middle of an election campaign, and has been criticized by opponents,
commentators, party insiders and local Girl Guides as a “mean old curmudgeon.”

“I spent a few hours at Mr. Harper’s really big house,” said an anonymous Girl Guide. “Because he punched
me in the face as soon as | walked up to his door. He said he didn’t like my attitude.”

The often stodgy and uptight leader has changed all that by wearing this new sweater vest. Media outlets
have described the party leader not in the usual terms of “hostile,” and “more than a little dickish,” but instead as
“fuzzy” and “gentle.”

“Sure Stephen Harper impedes a productive democracy in general by only picking and choosing the
questions he will answer, but look at that vest!” said CBC reporter John Bowman. “If that doesn’t say friendly
and approachable, I don’t know what does!”

A tearful Bowman added: “He’s like the father I never had. So kindly and warm...”

While Conservative campaign staff have remained typically tight-lipped about specifics on the sweater
vest, an anonymous source within the campaign has only added to the garment’s mystique by saying that Harper
made the sweater himself.

“Well, Stephen is by all measures an unpleasant thuggish man, but inspiration struck him, and he made that
vest in a few days while parliament was out of session,” said the source. “After all, if you had beaten 16 kittens
to death with a ratchet, would you just let all those perfectly good pelts go to waste?”

Other party leaders have been trying to use magical garments of their own, but to no avail. Jack Layton
has taken to wearing a tweed blazer blessed by several holy men, and Gilles Duceppe has purchased several
sweaters worn by comedian Bill Cosby on The Cosby Show.

Stéphane Dion, according to his campaign manager, has taken to wearing women’s underwear. Not to
persuade voters, he said, but “just because it feels right.”

Harper is busy on the campaign trail, and was not available for interview. However, he promised to further
prosecute the war on Afghanistan, make prison sentences tougher on criminals, and to cut welfare benefits to the
poor. Observers described his policies and his attire as “non-threatening.”

 

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