issue 02// volume 42 humour // no. 23

  
  

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Echoing America’s obstinacy

» Canada to change measurement system

Chandler Walter
Humour Editor
4 humour@theotherpress.ca

ollowing the United
Nations’ failed attempt at
convincing America to switch

their measurement system from ! es
: Crompton said, “We just made

imperial to metric (the US being : Ons JUST Th
: everything into specifications

: that Canadians are familiar

: with. For example, five feet

: nine and a quarter inches is

: the regular height of a hockey

: stick, so we decided to measure
: everything and everyone by

: that. My son is about 7/12ths of
: a hockey stick.”

one of only three countries
clinging to the imperial system,
the other two being Liberia and
Myanmar), Canada has decided
to forgo the metric system as
well, replacing it with a system
of their own design.

The Ehmperial system has
been worked on by Canada’s
leading scientists, physicists,
and professional measurers
for the past few years, and has
finally been announced as the
official measurement system in
Canada, beginning Mondeh.

“It is a quite complex
system,” leader of the project
Buck Crompton said. “We have
changed the way Canadians see
distance, volume, space, and
even time.”

The Ehmperial system will

: see a shift in measuring all the
? same aspects that the imperial
: system in America does, making :
: everything more difficult

: and complicated for literally
: everyone else.

“It’s really quite ingenious,”

With this new code of

: measurement, carpenters and

: various construction companies
: are buying up all the hockey

: sticks in Canada.

“It just makes sense,”

: carpenter Brent Walder said.

: “Because they work both ways,
right. You can measure a full

: stick with its length, and then

: you can measure an exact blade
: with the end of it.”

The blade is the smaller

: measurement of the stick unit,
: and it accounts for botha
: regular hockey skate blade, and

the blade on your usual hockey

: stick. “A blade equals exactly

: 7/24ths of one full stick, so it

: works well in conversion. When
: looking at larger distances, we

: use a lap around a hockey rink,
: which is roughly 124.55 sticks,”
: Crompton said.

Additionally, litres and

: millilitres have been converted
: into a much simpler ratio,

: measuring everything in

: relation to a cask of maple

: syrup. Litres become quarter

: casks o’ syrup and millilitres

: become dollops o’ syrup.

Canadians everywhere have

: accepted this new measurement
: system with vigour, many

: stating that they, “already

: measured most things this way
: anyways.”

The United Nations

recently announced their

: disagreement with Canada’s

: new measurement systems,

: and to that Canada responded,
: “America started it.”

Image via Thinkstock

 

Pun, 2,3

The Beorstern

  

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by Sarah Walker, Contributor

Bears

PUN23 7 UMBLA

‘Shock Therapy

 

Photo illustration by Joel McCarthy

» FromSoftware announces hardest

game ever

Adam Tatelman
Staff Writer

Hee Miyazaki,

president of
FromSoftware, has returned
to direct the long-awaited
third instalment in the cult
hit franchise Dark Souls.
After debuting the game at
Gamescom 2015, he agreed to
an interview with the Other
Press in order to advertise a
new peripheral attachment
meant to enhance the Dark
Souls experience for gamers
who want to squeeze as much
challenge as they can out of
the venerable series.

“When I was thinking
of how best to challenge
veteran players, it occurred
to me that their experience
with Dark Souls I and I will
have prepared them for my
usual tricks,” said Miyazaki
in surprisingly impeccable
English. “Item gank mobs,
booby traps, and epic bosses
will not be enough this time.
So I thought up the Gorget of
Pain.”

As its name suggests, the
Gorget of Pain is worn around
the neck like medieval throat
armour. It then establishes a
wireless connection with your
gaming console and monitors
your character’s health as
you play. Every time you take

delivers a painful electric
shock to the wearer.

When asked if he thought

: there were any ethical

: issues with such a device,

: Miyazaki only smiled. “I’m

: just playing to my audience,”

: he said, sitting back in his

: patent leather recliner and

: villainously stroking his white
: Persian. “I’ve already got over

: a hundred thousand preorders
: for the Abandon All Hope

: Edition, which comes with

: the Gorget, as well as a t-shirt
: proclaiming ‘I Am Hidetaka

: Miyazaki’s Bitch.”

Though the device is still

: a work in progress, Miyazaki
: promises that the Gorget

: will adapt to each individual
: player’s pain threshold. That
> way, each time the player’s

: character dies in the game,

: the Gorget will calculate

: exactly how many volts

: to apply in order to knock

: players out without killing

: them. Needless to say, Dark

: Souls fans are chomping at

: the bit to get their hands on
: this revolutionary piece of

; technology.

“This is my way of

: thanking the fans for helping
: make Dark Souls what it is

: today,” said Miyazaki, his

: inner sadistic urges betrayed
: only bya slight twitch of his

: eyelid. “Their determination
: has inspired me, and | am

: sure this game will deliver
damage in the game, the collar :
: electric shocks to players
: worldwide.”

millions, if not billions, of