May 2003

Poetry/Fiction/Essays/etc.

Late Night Vigil
By Jennifer Aikman Look

You are late. Almost an hour now.

The digital clock you bought me for Christmas is too silent.
I would like ticking to gauge your absence.

You are not usually late, oh no.

Sickeningly punctual actually.

You always call, but maybe you're angry with me.

I wanted to punch you, but I settled with name calling.
Oh Jesus, you could be pinned under the twisted wreck of your car
Remembering my last words to you, “You look like a moron”

Great. Not a very nice way to go.
What if, with your dying words you tell the paramedics what I said?
What will they think of me when I go to the hospital?

You could at least tell them what a good wife I’ve been,
How I make your lunch for you everyday,
How I cut the crust from your sandwiches, with hardly a complaint.

It is snowing heavily; maybe your car wouldn't start.
Perhaps you decided to walk home, warm with beer.
And then you fell into a snow bank.

Your blood could be freezing in your veins right now,
You'll feel sleepy and just want to rest.
You didn’t believe me when I told you the cold can lull you to sleep.

I’m sorry I spoke to you that way, very insensitive of me.
Now you are going to die in the snow looking like a moron.
It was tactless to say, but it was true.

That hat you insisted on wearing was ugly and clashed with your plaid shirt.
And red running shoes with black pants? Who even owns red running shoes?
You looked like a rodeo clown.

Pll have to identify your body and that’s what you'll be wearing.
Red sneakers protruding from the shroud.
The orderlies will try not to laugh as they wheel you to me.

Oh God! What is wrong with me?

I’m a horrible person, forgive me.

I don’t want to even imagine you dead.

How would I manage? I would have to call your parents.
What if your dad answers? For eleven years

I have managed to avoid one on one conversation with him.

Culture ¢ the other press ©

And your mother.
She'll want to run the whole show, you know it.
Like our wedding, she'll have a nicer dress than me.

I guess I would wear navy,
Remember those blue heels you said I would never wear?
Hah! We'll see about that.

Okay, you are well over an hour late now.
How dare you make me worry like this?
I don’t want to attend your funeral.

Please be safe; please let nothing happen to you.
If you just walk in the door right now,
Pll wrap my arms around you and never let you go.

Pll tell you all the reasons I love you.
Pll apologize for my behaviour,
And [ll never call you a name again.

Is that your car pulling up?
It’s hard to see through the snow.
Yes it’s you; I can see your ugly hat.

And here you come, obviously drunk.
Oops, and there you go slipping on some ice.
Those stupid red shoes have no traction.

I hear you stumbling in the kitchen,
Probably looking for aspirin.
Well I took the last one before bed.

I'm going to sleep.
If you're smart you'll sleep in the living room.
And I hope you hurt like hell when you\wake up, moron.

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