humour / 22

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Pizza delivery to receive official sirens

» New law in the works to speed up the ‘zas

Chandler Walter
Distribution Manager

n exciting new law is in the
works as of this week, one

that many agree has been a long

time coming.

BC’s provincial courts have
passed a bill legitimizing the
need for quick pizza delivery
to the same level as that of
fire-response, ambulances, and
police vehicles.

“Emergency Response
Pizza Vehicles,” or ERPVs, will
soon be outfitted with sirens
and lights similar to those that
we see on police cruisers. We
talked to Papp A. Johnson, a
local police officer.

“Yeah I’m a big supporter
of this new law. It’s gonna be
great to see those kids out
there, lights flashing, getting
that pizza where it needs to be.
Plus, driving with sirens? Hella
wicked. Don’t gotta stop for no
one.”

The pizza sirens will be
of a different pitch than what
we are used to, making a low
“MREEEEEHH!!-MREEEHH!!!”
noise as they notify daily
commuters to slow down and
move over.

“I’m all for it,” says daily
driver and mother of three,
Cheryn Burgs. “I get stressed

: out enough being stuck in

: traffic for a few hours a day, I

: can only imagine the suffering
: those poor delivery drivers go

: through. They trulyare heroes:
to us all, and ] know everyone in :
: the community isin agreement :
: that this law should pass.”

Along with traffic-halting

: sirens, pizza delivery vehicles

: will also have the option

: of outfitting 1.21 gigawatt

: searchlights on the tops of

: their vehicles. Though the light
: would be bright enough to

: momentarily blind oncoming

: traffic, finding house addresses
: is a crucial part of the delivery

: person’s duty.

We were lucky enough

to talk to an off-duty Pizza

: Delivery Boy, Chaunce Waller,
: and ask him a few questions

: regarding his line of work.

“First off, kid, a PDB is

never off-duty, this work

: is never over. And B, it’s

: about damn time we got

: some recognition from the

: government. We’re doing God's
: work out here. This is the

: fifth-most dangerous career in

: America, according to a tweet

: Tread on the Internet. In fact

: Lalmost hit some lady the

: other day, she could have gone
: right through the windshield, I
: might’ve been severely bruised!

: Maybe even emotionally

: traumatized, from all the

: manslaughter and whatever.

: But the people ... the people

: of this town need to be fed,

: and their pizzas ... Need to be

: somewhat warm. I dothe bestI_ :
: can, I really do. Youre welcome. :

: God bless.”

: We managed to secure a
: quick signature from Waller
: right before he performed a

: hood slide and climbed through :
: the window of what appeared to :
: bea 1997 Ford Escort. :

Off to answer a call to

 

: greatness, it seemed.

After a while it was evident

that Waller actively lived in that
: Ford Escort, as a great man puts

his duty, career, and customers
before himself.
Truly an inspiration.

 

Local woman fights for the right to

be declared legally blonde

: I want to be legally blonde.”

Sharon Miki
Humour Editor
humour
@theotherpress.ca

 

25-year-old Burnaby

woman has won an
almost two-month battle to
be declared officially, legally,
“blonde.” The woman, Ellie
Woods, presented her case
against the BC Court of
Nonsense, based on the idea
that if people can be legally
married and legally divorced,
she should be able to be

legally the thing that she holds :
: her win, Woods countered

with, “What? Like it’s hard?”

dearest—blonde.

“All people see when they
look at me is blonde hair and
big boobs,” said Woods, via a
prepared statement her lawyer
read to the press after the

I want to be recognized for my

Fortunately for Woods,

it seems that the Court of

: Nonsense is pretty inept, and
: will let you do pretty much

: whatever you want if you're

: attractive—in a way, proving
: Woods’ point.

“T feel comfortable using

: legal jargon in everyday life—

: this doesn’t mean that I’ma

: lawyer though. Still I figured it
: was worth a shot to put forth

a precedent-setting, sort-of-

; insane idea before the court,”

: explained Woods.

When questioned about

As for the future, the

newly anointed blonde
feels confident that she can
> maintain her look for the time

decision. “And that’s great. But being.

“The rules of hair care are

assets the same way a doctor is : simple and finite. Any Cosmo

recognized as ‘doctor whoever. :

girl would know.”

  
 

Screenshot of Reese Witherspoon in ‘Legally Blonde’