Hold the
Mushrooms

In a quiet and subdued affair, North Korea cele-
brated its 56th anniversary of the founding of
the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea with
a little champagne, gift exchanges, a delicious ice
cream cake from Dairy Queen, and an explosion
along the Chinese border in North Korea’s
Ryanggang province that created a 2-mile wide
mushroom cloud. Oh, and Kim Jong IT got a lit-
tle tipsy and sang “What’s Up Pussycat.”
Nuclear f*cking test, anyone?

    
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
  

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The blast occurred on September 9 in
Kimhyungjik, a county that already has
military facilities housing Taepodong mis-
siles. North Korea stunned the world (and
Japan crapped its pants) when in 1998 the
communist nation tested a Taepodong-1
missile, firing it overtop of Japan—the
missile has a range of 2,000 kilometers.
Oxymoronic US intelligence now believes
that North Korea has missiles that exceed
4,000 kilometers in range.

Despite the mushroom cloud, most
analysts are claiming that it was not a
nuclear test, though it is believed that the North
Koreans may be in the process of preparing to
conduct one.

Officials in Vladivostok, a Russian city near
the site of the explosion, said radiation levels
were stable on the day of the blast. South Korean
officials did not believe the blast was related to
nuclear weapons programs, nor did the normally
open and forthright Chinese say that they had
even heard an explosion. And the name you
know, the name you trust, US Secretary of State
Colin Powell said that the North Koreans
“haven't conducted a test to the best of our
knowledge and belief.” Whew.

For their part, North Korean Foreign Minister
Paek Nam Sun said on Monday that “it was a
deliberate, controlled detonation to demolish a

SEPGRMbEP = ae/eA0el

 
   

_ News Wears Short Shorts

Brandon Ferguson, News Editor

mountain in the far north,” as part of prepara-
tions for a hydroelectric dam. So really, geez,
what’s with all the shaky nerves people? They’re
a simple nation with plain values who enjoy a
nice military parade every now and again, and
maybe the odd obliteration of a mountain to cel-
ebrate a birthday in a country that would love
nothing more than nuclear capability as a pres-
ent.

In other birthday news, Kim Jong II got a new
pair of platform shoes, a mauve jumpsuit, a sub-
scription to Maxim, and the birthday bumps. He
later had the bumps-givers shot.

Finally: A Hurricane to Fear

After being bitch-slapped by limp-wrist Frances,
the United States was bracing for the arrival of
Hurricane Ivan late last week. Ivan, a category 4
hurricane, is one of the fiercest in recorded his-
tory having already decimated the Caribbean in a
rampage that left 68 dead.

The hurricane threatens a 400-mile stretch of
coastline along the Gulf of Mexico including
Florida, Alabama, Mississippi, and Louisiana. A
buoy about 500 kilometers offshore measured
waves of 52 feet that, when they reach shore, will
have a tremendous impact on beachfront resi-
dences. Inland, tornadoes touched down in

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Florida, claiming Ivan’s first two American vic-
tims. Though anticipated to land east of New
Orleans, the iconic party town is still expected to
be devastated by floods as it lies in between the
Mississippi River and Lake Pontchartrain. Can
anyone say “Ultimate Girls-Gone-Wild Wet T-
shirt Contest?”

Insurance agencies are predicting upwards of
$10 billion in damages. I’m predicting a kick to
your junk the next time you bitch about
Vancouver's rain.

I Can See the Future, Man

As predicted in our dreadfully blasé and blatant-
ly biased News Wears Short Shorts last week,
Prime Minister Paul Martin has come through

 

with fat cash for the provinces over the next ten
yeats as part of his promise to “fix healthcare for
a generation.” After three days of tense federal-
provincial talks last week in Ottawa, PM-Squared
upped his original six-year offer by four years and
50 percent in what he’s termed “a deal for a
decade.”

“(This is) a 10-year plan, a deal for a decade
that will lead to better health care for all
Canadians,’ Martin said. “People around this
table stood up for health care and Canadians.
There was determination to secure a long-term
deal that will stop the annual ritual of federal-

  

provincial disputes and start the process of
renewal.”

The deal is seen as crucial to PM-
Squared’s political career as he largely
secured re-election on the platform of fix-
ing healthcare.

BC will receive $276 million immediate-
ly, rising to $400 million annually until
2009/10, and peaking at $1 billion by
2013/14 for a total of $5.4 billion over ten
years. The money is meant to be focused on
reducing wait times for cancer treatments
and joint replacements, improving access to
prescription drugs, and purchasing new equip-
ment.

In exchange for the unprecedented funding
for provincial healthcare, the Premiers have
promised to quit their bitching for a while. BC
Premier Gordon Campbell dug deep and busted
out his best metaphorical stylings, spittin’:
“Tonight, the longest waiting list of all has come
to an end.”

Oh, snap dog! Because the funding focuses on
waiting lists, and y’all were waiting for a long
time, like a list of some sort, for the funding
which focuses on the lists for waiting... Shut up
Gordo.

GUNEPPPESS | &