humour // no. 22

 

Apply to Starfleet Academy!

» Douglas hosts interstellar diplomacy seminar

Adam Tatelman
Staff Writer

Gingents interested in
theoretical astrophysics,
xenobiology, and space travel
will be pleased to hear that
Douglas College is hosting a
Starfleet Academy transfer
program. To raise interest in the
program, the Dean of Science
and Technology booked Captain
James Tiberius Kirk of the
Starship Enterprise to speak to
students this morning on the
subject of interstellar diplomacy.
Shortly after the Starship
Enterprise parked on the roof of

concourse in dramatic fashion.
Because he was being played by
Chris Pine for this appearance, a
number of young women fainted
on the spot. Luckily, most were
caught by their boyfriends, so
there were no serious injuries.
Hundreds of students were
gathered on the concourse steps

: and balconies by the time the

: lecture began. “There are three
: keys to diplomacy,” began Kirk,
: “on this planet or any other.

: The first is, no matter what,

: never admit that you're wrong.

: It doesn’t matter what you're

: arguing about. You're always

: right, they're always wrong, and
: they have to respect that.”

“The second key is to always

: take the moral high ground.

: Even if you did something

: questionable to the people youre
: negotiating with—blew up one

: of their ships, maybe—it doesn’t
: matter. They probably did

: something even worse to you.
the college, Kirk beamed into the : And besides, even if they didn’t,
: you can always make something

i up

”

“Finally, try to get in bed

: with a member of the royal

: family if you can. Your superiors
: will probably tell you that

: interpersonal relationships can

: confuse negotiations, but I’ve

: been a Starfleet Captain for

: years and it’s always worked for

: me. The closer you get to the

: seat of power, the more likely it
: is they'll listen to you, so it just
: makes sense to get as close as

: you possibly can.”

Following thunderous

: applause from the student
: body, Kirk beamed back up to
: the Enterprise. Before leaving,

he promised free uniforms for
all students who register for

: the program early. Oddly, one

student mentioned that he
couldn’t find his girlfriend after
the event. “It’s weird,” he said,
befuddled, “I never saw her
leave...”

The Starfleet Academy

: Transfer Program is slated to

: launch in late 2264. Tuition

: starts at 10,000 Federation

: Credits, mostly to cover the cost
: of cryogenic stasis tubes for

: students, and compensation for

: the bereaved family members

: being left behind. The Registrar's
: Office confirms that seats in this
: inaugural program are filling

: fast!

theotherpress.ca

 

Image via www.blooloop.com

 

A little how-to on class presentations

» Enthral your audience with these easy steps

Chandler Walter
Humour Editor,
4 humour@theotherpress.ca

A semester at Douglas, a

out of high school and ready to
take post-secondary by storm.

One of the most daunting
tasks that may befall you this
semester comes in the form of a
presentation: standing in front
of your peers, explaining the
PowerPoint you threw together
the night before, trying your
best to make it seem like you
know something about ancient
China, philosophical fallacies,
or 1960s poetry.

Fear not, brave souls. The
Other Press has your back.
Follow these easy steps and
you will find yourself with a
solid C-, and you can go back
to Snapchatting your buddies
under your desk while everyone
else drones through their own
presentations.

Step 1: Volunteer to go
first. ’m not kidding. It’s like

stomping a bird that you found
your cat torturing (Ill never
forgive you for that, Smudge).
And, once you're done, you
can “go to the washroom” and
save yourself the hassle of
pretending to listen to your
equally boring peers.

Step 2: Laugh. But not
like, happy laughter. Terrified
laughter. Like, “Ahahah I’m just

: gonna laugh so everyone knows :
: what a good sport I am and that :
: | am not nervous one bit to be
: up here ahahah.” It reaaaaally
: makes it entertaining for the

new group of students fresh : rest of us.

Step 3: Read. Every. Single.

: Word. On. Your. Slides. The

: whole paragraphs, because you
: know you've got full paragraphs :
: on those bad boys (copy and :
: paste is your best friend). It

: gives your audience a chance

: to pretend like they’re in grade
: one again, having simple

: English read aloud to them by
: your soothing, knowledgeable
: voice.

Step 4: Never face your

: audience. You don’t want them
: to see how red you are, or that
: bead of anxious sweat dripping
: down the side of your face,

: like some gross signal saying

: “None of you should find me

: attractive, ever.” This step

: actually goes hand-in-hand

: with step three, because if

: you're going to be reading to

: them at half the speed they’re
tearing off a Band-Aid, or mercy : reading iin their heads, you :
: might as well just be facing your :
: own plagiarised presentation. :

Step 5: When youre

: finished, head straight for

: your desk. If you're lucky, your

: professor will forget to ask the

: class if they had any questions.
: You probably won't be lucky.

: When your professor does ask

: the class to question you onthe :
: miniscule amount of knowledge :

: you have on the subject, give

: all of your classmates death

: eyes. Eyes that say “You wanna
: ask me something, punk?” If

: someone does ask something,

: they are not your friend. They
: are the enemy. After all, it’s a

: two-way street. Their fate is in

your hands at the end of their

: presentation (you did go first,
: after all). You can get your

: sweet, sweet revenge with a

: question that you know that

: they don’t know the answer to.

Bonus tip: If it is a group

: project—and oh boy, is it ever
: going to be a group project—
: just stay strong. Someone in

  

: your group will crack and do

: literally everything if everyone
: else manages to procrastinate
: long enough. It’s like a game

: of responsibility-chicken, or

: Russian roulette, with the

: person who cares the most

: biting the bullet.

Image via thinkstock