i 10 Have an idea for a story? M humour@theotherpress.ca ax ¢ Aliens fine to sit human race out ¢ Horses are no longer funny ¢ Doomsday predictor increasingly excited as sun sets sooner and sooner ..and more! Aliens fine to sit human race out » ‘You guys won't be around for much longer anyway, say aliens Klara Woldenga Entertainment Editor decade ago the United States received n encrypted audio message from outer space. As of last week, after spending billions of dollars and thousands of work hours, the message has finally been deciphered, but it doesn’t look good. “I don't understand it,” Mary Alden, head of the NASA Department of Decoding, told the Other Press. “We spent all of this time decoding the message and we find that it’s about them not wanting to chill with us? Talk about disappointment, fam.” According to the report NASA filed, the aliens’ message discusses their curiosities towards the human race but states that, ultimately, they aren't interested in hanging with Earth. The recording starts as any message would, stating: “Sorry for the late response, we were just away for the weekend,” and then proceeds to discuss the alien’s weekend activities as “totally chill (-2039 degrees Celsius)” and “We just needed some collective self-care, you know?” There follows a two-minute pause in conversation during which munching is heard. NASA assumes this munching to involve space potato chips. “All-dressed chips, maybe. We aren’t 100 percent sure,” said Alden. “All we can be certain of is that they aren't ruffled” After the munching ends, the aliens finally move onto the bulk of the message, collectively saying, “Woaaaaaaah. You guys are way more violent than we thought you were. Your planet is so beautiful, why are enjoy them.” “Tt’s not our fault!” said Rose Walker, head of NASA's you so angry?” communication ca ' Mumbling, followed by a collective department, in &&) voice that says “You know what... We're defense of her going to sit you guys out. I’m sure when department’s you kill everyone your planet will still be slapping. habitable, and probably in better shape “The HR than when you left it. See ya!” department 7 The recording is followed by more started it.” rustling and idle talking, which initially & & confused researchers. “After the main message we figured out that the aliens forget to turn off their recorder,’ said Alden. “Nerds.” After some incoherent murmurs, a clear voice is heard on the recording. “Don't worry, we'll be back in like... 1000 years?” the voice is heard saying. “Bill? Is that what the computer says? Oh... 100 years? That soon? Well, our computers don't lie, just like us. I’m sure they'll have fun! They have so many wars, they must The final minutes of the recording have caused quite a stir in the NASA community, resulting in an information cold war and two department wars involving spitballs and general slapping. Currently, NASA is crafting a response, stating that “We have put our best people to work in writing a perfect, simple message to the aliens which will entice them to answer back.” NASA's “U up?” message is set to launch in 2021. Illustration by Cara Seccafien Doomsday predictor increasingly excited as sun sets sooner and sooner > ‘One day it won’t return; he warns Chandler Walter Contributor he astrological phenomenon that is the changing of the seasons has one New Westminster man brimming with anticipation. Yurral Gonadye, a 36-year-old resident of New Westminster and self-titled “Doomsday Predictor,” has been standing outside the Old Spaghetti Factory every day for the past month wearing a sandwich board that does not, in fact, advertise sandwiches. It instead reads “The End Is Nigh” in bold red letters that Gonadye assured us is probably not, but clockwork the sun has been slowly disappearing, ever since June 21.” It should be noted that June 21 is the longest day of the year, and every day after that the official times for sunrise and sunset get earlier until the shortest day of the year, December 21. However, when the basic fundamentals of seasonal patterns were explained to Gonadye the man broke into a fit of laughter that lasted roughly 1.5 minutes. “Seasons are nothing more than propaganda spewed by the governmental overlords; a soother meant to put small-minded souls at ease from the imminent demise that will befall us all,” he wrote. “Of course, run dry, the sun will cease to exist, and the screams of humanity will be muffled by infinite nothingness.” When asked what prompted him to make such claims, Gonadye cited the patterns of the sun as his main source of inspiration. “Every day it sets sooner and sooner. If it keeps going on like this, the sun may one day never rise at all, and blackness will reign king in a blind, dead world of ice,” he wrote from his email account YurrallzCool69420blazeit@hotmail.com. “Like Photo illustration by Lauren Kelly definitely could be, the fake news human blood. media machine “Tt’s finally ¢ ¢C such as yourselves going to happen,” His sign reads ‘The End Is Nigh,’ in bold red would prop up the - rt t that Honadye told the letters that Gunadye assured us is probably _”, being told the exclusive email not, but definitely could be, human blood. world over. Ir’sa interview. “The filthy disgrace.” sands of time will Gonadye did, however, admit that he had made similar claims a year prior and had been disappointed that, come the winter solstice, the sun began to appear more frequently and for longer durations of time heading into spring. “That was just a fluke last year. A fluke,” Gonadye assured us. “This year will be different, I know it. A raven screamed it into my ear in a dream I had while on the bus. I’m serious you guys, 2018 is the year, and I could not be more excited.”