The “Other” News “Salty” Liam Britten saltyliam@ gmail.com Fashion-Conscious Ku Klux Klan Member Dislikes “the Whole White Robe Thing” “Salty” Liam Britten resident all-star ZINC, AK—Last Thursday, a member of the Knights of the Ku Klux Klan, James McDermot, came forward at the group’s meeting to denounce the group’s “abhorrent, intolerant” policies on fashion and style, announcing he “doesn’t dig the whole white robe thing.” During the meeting at Imperial Wizard Thomas Robb’s backyard bomb shelter, McDermotsteppedforwardduring the “new business” portion of the meeting. “My fellow Klabees, Kleagles, Kligrapps, and Wizard Tom, I bring before you news of a dangerous new threat to our organization, and white people everywhere,” he said. “I speak of the threat of us looking like fools who still dress like it’s 1928 in front of the lesser races. The threat of us white, Christian men not ready for a white, Christian future, because we’re still dressing like a white, Christian yesterday. Yes, in the future we will be the police of a brand new America, but at present, we must be a different kind of police: the fashion police.” McDermot brought forth suggestions and potential designs for new uniforms the Klansmen could employ, such as utilizing bright shirts, dark denim jackets, and tight jeans. McDermot claimed he got his inspiration from media reporter Perez Hilton. “Let’s face it, if there was ever a true example of what a white man should be, Perez Hilton is it,” McDermot told the assembled Kiansmen. “He’s stout, firm, and I’ll bet he gets any woman he wants. I think Mr. Hilton should be inducted as an honorary KKK member as soon as possible.” Ultimately, McDermot’s proposal was not passed, as it was resolved that “the resurgent threats of Communist conspiracy, Catholic conspiracy and Zionist conspiracy present a more dire threat to Anglo- Saxon Americans today” than out-of-date fashion. However, it was later resolved that an invitation would be extended to Perez Hilton to join the organization. “It’s resolved then,” Wizard Robb announced as the motion passed. “Mr. Hilton will be invited to join the Klan, as his skills will be useful in fighting the Homosexual agenda. If only there were more real men like him in the media. Real, beautiful men.” Vancouver's Most Charming Man Also Vancouver's Most Charming Rapist By “Salty” Liam Britten VANCOUVER, BC— Women have said for decades that chivalry is dead. And Vancouver’s women are no different; compound this with Vancouver’s unusually low male to female ratio, and it’s no wonder that the city’s ladies have such a hard time finding Mr. Right. But there’s one man who’s trying to bring some tenderness to Press. “It’s not something I like to boast about, because as Sophocles once said, ‘God hates utterly the bray of bragging tongues.’ Plus I already told the neighbours that I’m registered.” Ladies just can’t seem to decide what they love more about Malcolm; his deep blue eyes, his perfect six-foot-one physique, or his Vancouver’s. lonel 6 commandin ladies, aac I try n ot to g et a burr of : they like it or not. e voice, which Maicoin Dig head. For One is ofen giving Carrey, 29, has - ‘a : commands a Bachelor’s in thing ’ it makes such as “don’t literature, speaks scream or you’re fuent French YOUr MUgShot look wow” | bw an ussian, one thing’s for is a champion rri 39 sure: Malcolm volleyball _ player, le ble. has style. and is a registered : “I love the sex offender. In 2002 he was convicted for several rapes of young club-going women in Toronto; but while people are often horrified when they see the tracking bracelet on his ankle, they are always charmed when they hear him discuss the beauty of the Aegean Sea in July. “I guess I just have a way with ladies,” Malcolm told The Other 22 way he slipped beautiful words into my ear,” swooned Avani Khan, 21. “It really makes up for the way he slipped GHB into my drink. But then again, he was even gorgeous doing that.” Lindsay Goldman agrees: “Malcolm may have taken my dignity, my personal security, my self-worth and my ability to have normal sexual relations with men, but on the other hand, I’ve never known anyone who could ever discuss prose so beautifully. At least I think so, I was starting to lose motor control by that point.” So how does he do it? What does Malcolm say is the secret to his success? He says it’s important to stay grounded. “T try not to get a big head. For one thing, it makes your mugshot look terrible,” he joked, charming as ever, “But seriously, I don’t think I’m that great. It’s all about listening to women and having respect for them. Keep that in mind, and before you know it, women will be flocking to you. And once that happens, they’ll be flocking to your bed. And once that happens, make sure that you’ve got a strong length of rope, because if they’re only tied down loosely, they’ll get away. Woman’s beauty is only matched by her craftiness. Let me go on record with that, just like my DNA is on record.”