humour // no. 22 theotherpress.ca

Study shows household appliances become
infinitely louder in the middle of the night

> Microwaves prove to be the worst culprits

Rebecca Peterson
Humour Editor

 

study out of Insert Funny Acronym

Institute of Useless Information
(IFAIUA) has proven what many
have known to be true since the
dawn of technology: Household
appliances are much louder at night
than they are during the day.

“One example of this would be
toilets,” said Dr. Jillian McMillian. “Like,
have you ever tried to use the washroom
at night? Especially when you have
family members or roommates who
are light sleepers? Shit gets loud, yo.”

The study, which measured noises
produced by appliances both during
the day and at night, showed that many
appliances become up to 15 decibels
louder in a quiet, nighttime atmosphere.

“And it’s not just the time of night
that affects the sound output, either,”
said Dr. McMillian. “If there are light
sleepers within earshot, it gets louder.
If you're actively trying to be quiet, ho
boy, youre looking at an exponential
increase in noise output. One guy nearly
went deaf after we put a microwave in
the apartment after telling him that
his insomniac girlfriend would make
him sleep on the couch for a week if he
woke her up. It’s fascinating, really.”

It’s not clear from the study
what causes the sound levels to
rise, though there are theories.

Underdog unfortunately comes out on top

> A historic victory for a team that everyone saw as a joke

Chandler Walter
Assistant Editor

 

ik what was an absolutely shocking,
come from behind victory over

the Hillside Crimsons last night, the
Dondleville Clumps silenced the crowd
by taking the win.

The scene was set for a historic
match here at the Sportsdome, though
most in the crowd thought that the
championship was all but won by the
Crimsons. After weeks of injuries,
expulsions, and scandals plaguing the
Clumps lineup, no one could have
imagined that they would walk away from
the series as Champions.

“We played our best, and we played
it fair,” said Crimsons’ head coach Jim
Crane, “but that wasn’t good enough, I
guess.”

The Crimsons had, seemingly,
done everything right up until this
championship game, and had a healthy
lead at the beginning of the night.

“I don’t know what happened,” Crane
said. “We let a few easy ones past us, and
they rolled it up from there.”

Don Skald, captain for the Clumps,
said that he never wavered in his
certainty that they would emerge
victorious. “Believe me, the haters, they
didn’t know what they were talking
about. We are the best team, that this

“I mean, ambient noise throughout
the day kind of cushions sound, right?”
said Dr. McMillian. “So maybe it kind of
absorbs all that excess noise, and you're
less likely to notice it. That would be
the practical, scientific explanation.”

The unscientific explanation?

“Household appliances are vengeful,
sentient machines out to get us, and
they draw energy from the suffering
of their human overlords,” said Dr.
McMillian, with a short nod. “That’s
my favourite theory, to be honest. It
would also explain a lot of other stuff,
like why things stop working right
when you need them most. Besides,
if it’s a matter of sentient machines, it
means we could try bargaining with
them to stop them from doing this to
us. We've got to ask ourselves what our
appliances want from us. To be cleaned
more often? To be thanked for what
they do? Maybe a nice box of chocolates
every once in a while? I like scientific
theories with practical solutions.”

In the meantime, it seems as though
there is nothing the average person can
do to keep household appliances from
being horrifically loud at night, much to
the disappointment of many people who
keep late hours and do not live alone.

“I mean, you could buy your
microwave flowers,” continued Dr.
McMillian. “Provided microwaves like
flowers. Do you think microwaves
like flowers? I feel like I might be
getting a little off-topic here.”

arena has ever seen, okay, and I knew we
would win, we were gonna win, and we
won.”

While many sports fans usually
cheer for a come from behind victory,
the crowd at the Sportsdome seemed
anything but pleased.

“T just. I just don’t know how that
happened,” said sports enthusiast Ameera
Votiér. “There was no way they could
have won... and then they just—did.”

The final score of the sports game
read 477-475 in favour of the Crimsons,
though for a reason too complex for
many sports fans in the audience, these
numbers translated to a different, more
important score of 290-228 in favour of
the Clumps.

“I don’t know what kind of zany
algorithm they use for figuring out the
scores here, but I don’t think that it’s
very fair,” said Votiér. She is not alone,
as many fans across the country tuned in
to watch the upsetting defeat, and have
since staged protests against the newly
crowned champions, the Clumps.

“They play dirty, they barely
understand the rules of the game, and
they only won because the scoring is out
of whack,” said protester Dom O’Kratt.

Unfortunately for him, he will have
to wait a long four years before another
match will be played to crown a different
champion.

 

Photo Illustration by Mike LeMieux

  

Photo Illustration by Mike LeMieux