Shis issue: ( Tragedy in New Westminster Been told you're too funny? Contact: Sharon Miki, Humour Editor Ask Dolly (YW Single sock seeks sexy sartorial soulmate’ M4 humour@theotherpress.ca www theotherpress.ca And more! Jump in that hockey pool—the Canucks can't lose » Serious sports predictions from an oblivious bandwagon fan Sharon Miki Humour Editor WM humour @theotherpress.ca fter months of summer sun in which I had so much fun outside that I pretty much totally forgot all about the red-haired psychic twins, sexy Kesler, angry John Tortellini, and hockey in general, it seems that our home team, the Vancouver Canucks, will be back in real-season action on October 8. As always—even though I legitimately know very little about hockey or the NHL—I dont like to feel left out of anything that’s trending on to-be-true predictions for the Canucks’ 2014/15 season. Feel free to use these tips/rumours wisely and win your hockey pools; I only demand 45 per cent of your profits. 1. Trevor Linden is back...on the ice! Sure, everyone was excited when they heard that former Canucks captain had jumped out from his Clearly Contacts : SkyTrain ads and back into our : hearts as the club’s president : last April—but that wasn’t : Trev’s big surprise. Indeed, : everyone's favourite centre will : undoubtedly be returning to : the ice to fill the skates that : Kesler left vacant. Evenif Trev: : is pushing 45, he’s still probably : : better than Kesler. : 2. Surprise! The Sedin twins : are actually triplets—and : their sister wants in on the : game A little-known fact that I : heard on the bus is that Daniel : and Henrik Sedin are more : than just twins; they’re actually : triplets. And, upon hearing of : the boys’ declining success, : their same-age-sister, Annika, is : Facebook. As such, here are my : lacing up her skates to become major, 100 per cent guaranteed- ? the first female Canuck—and to : : score some much-needed goals. : moonlight as Fin! : 3. Ryan Miller is an : experienced goalie, so it’s : doubtful he will get ice time If I’ve seen the Canucks : be good at one thing, it’s : building up goalies then totally : abandoning them for less- : experienced backups at critical : points in the season. As such, : I’m fairly sure that Miller, a : former Vezina Trophy winner, : will spend most of the season : chilling on the bench while : some Timbits Atom A goalie : defends the net. : 4. Radim Vrbata doesn’t : disappoint everyone Vrbata is a promising new Canuck, who has been slated to : play alongside the Sedins in the : 2014/15 season. While realists : might warn against placing : too much blind hope in the : yet-untested chemistry of the : line, my spidey sense suspects : that everything will go just : as GM Jim Benning and head : coach Willie Desjardins hope, : and he will consistently score a : hat trick every game. Bet on it, : optimists! : 5. Eddie doesn't lack charisma: so he decides to It must be hard to be Eddie : Lack: he’s pretty young, and : he’s had a lot of responsibility : thrust towards him in the last : year. Through it all though, he’s : maintained a cheerful public : persona and winning smile. It’s : because of this charm that Lack : is in talks to spend his time on : the bench out in the stands— : dressed up as the Canucks : mascot, Fin. ‘Ugh—commercials’ » Opinions of a five-year-old Patrick Vaillancourt Columnist [2 like watching television. It’s one of my favourite things in the world. I not have to read me bedtime stories anymore if she gave me a TV to put in my bedroom. | think that’s a really good way time. My favourite shows are Garfield, Tintin and, Animaniacs. But I like to watch movies on TV too. But one thing I really hate is commercials. I don’t need to hear commercials. Every time I see one, it’s like they are trying to : tell me they exist. I know about : : Pepsi, and if I want one, I'll : ask Mommy for one. But she : doesn’t usually let me drink : Pepsi after dinner. There are too many commercials on television. keep telling Mommy she would : They happen too often, and : they are on every channel. It : makes me mad because they : always start commercials right : at the good parts of a television to give Mommy some more free : show. Commercials are so boring : too. Maybe if they were more : exciting, I’d like them more. : This one they have for McCain : Superfries is just some kid : eating french fries. There’s : nothing “super” about that. Tasked Mommy why they : have commercials on television, : : and she said that it’s how TV : channels make money. So that means TV channels get paid to : make me mad? TV should just : be TV. It’s worse for movies. A movie that’s two hours long : becomes three hours on : television, with commercials. : That’s a whole hour of : commercials! And why does it have to be in the middle of the show? : Can’t they play all of the : commercials they want before : orafter a television show? At : least that way I can do all the : things I need to do when the : commercials come on, like go : pee and brush my teeth. TV should understand that : I need to watch my shows, not : get more stuff. I have enough stuff. When I turn on the TV, I : just want to be entertained.