Features

 

 

Internet People: A Guide

J.J. McCullough, OP Editor

All Your Base are Belong to
Us — Catchphrase taken from
the dubious 1989 Sega game Zero
Wing, known for little other than
its truly awful Japanese-to-English
translations. Electro band The Laziest
Men on Mars later made a song using
dialogue from the game as lyrics, greatly
popularizing the “All Your Base” line.
Angry German Kid — Fairly self-
explanatory. A German child flies
into enraged hysterics when his
computer game fails to load, then
goes insane with manic blood
lust once it finally does. Though
convincing, the video was staged
and is supposed to be a mockery of
those who believe computer games really
do turn children into lunatics.
Ask a Ninja — Popular “advice” series
in which viewers email asinine questions
to a guy dressed as a ninja, who proceeds
to answer the questions with flamboyant
ninja flair.
Average Homeboy — An
embarrassingly tone-deaf 1980s rap
video from a self-identified “middle-
class white guy” hoping for his big
break.
Back Dorm Boys — Two Asian
dudes in basketball jerseys who filmed
themselves passionately lip-syncing a
number of pop songs. Their fame led to
the agonizing popularity of self-made
lip-sync videos.
Bert is Evil — A once-popular website
featuring photos of Bert the Muppet
photoshopped into photographs of
the great villains of history, including
Hitler and bin Laden. The website was
discontinued when photos surfaced
showing Al Qaeda supporters using
the Bert photographs in their
posters.

Boom goes the Dynamite
— One of the most
genuinely sad videos to
grace the internet, this
one depicts an incredibly
nervous young sports
anchor on his first day on
the set. Unable to keep
pace with the speed of the
program, he splutters and
utters some bizarre ad libs,
including the title of the
film.

Bride Has Massive Hair
Wig Out — A fairly
lengthy video of an angsty
bride who storms into her
bridesmaids’ hotel room and begins
wailing about a horrible haircut.
Weeping and shrieking, she takes matters
into her own hands and begins hacking
her hair apart with household scissors.
The film is noticeably over-acted, and

  
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
  
 

A couple

of weeks ago Dan Meth, a web-based
cartoonist and animator, released a
short YouTube video entitled “Internet
People.” Evoking Billy Joel’s “We
Didn’t Start the Fire,” the three-minute
film is a rapid-fire list of over 50 of
the net’s most famous (or infamous)
celebrities, websites, and phenomena,
all set to a catchy jingle. Ironically, or
perhaps not, “Internet People” itself has
in turn become a major internet hit of
its own, with over a million views and
counting.

In the wake of Mr. Meth’s newfound
fame, we thought it would be worthwhile
to annotate his little film, and take a look
at the collection of oddballs, misfits,
eccentrics, and unintentional victims
who have skyrocketed to their 15
minutes of internet celebredom over the
last few years.

   

16

was later revealed to have been staged.
Bubb Rubb — Aclip from a local
California news channel reporting on the
disturbing trend of teenagers installing
annoying whistles in their exhaust pipes
to produce ear-splitting sounds. The
highlight of the video comes when

Bubb Rubb, a local homeboy and
identified “whistle fan,” is interviewed.
“The whistles go WOOO!” he declares
repeatedly.

Chad Vader — A live-action
series about Darth’s
lesser-known
brother, who
works at a
convenience
store in
Madison,
Wisconsin.
Chocolate

Rain — Low-
budget

music video
created by

Tay Zonday,

a black

teenager with an
unsettlingly deep
voice for his age. The song is irritatingly
repetitive, but catchy.

Coke and Mentos — A while ago
someone made the amazingly simple
discovery that if you place a Mentos
candy into a bottle of Diet Coke you’ll
create an amazing geyser of soda that
can shoot over a meter into the air. This
revelation prompted many kids to film
themselves performing the experiment.
Daxflame — A skilled parody of angsty
teenager webcam bloggers, Dax rants
passionately about topics he knows
absolutely nothing about, and usually
ends up either screaming or crying.
Dick in a Box — When Justin
Timberlake was on Saturday Night Live
back in 2006 he appeared in a short skit
with this title. The premise was basically
a parody of overly-lusty R&B music
videos from the 1980s, and featured
Timberlake presenting his penis to his
woman as a Christmas present, complete
in a gift wrapped box which was tied to
his waist. The word “dick” was bleeped
in the TV version of the skit, which
made the uncensored online version
enormously popular.

Dramatic chipmunk — A three-second
clip of a chipmunk (which is actually a
prairie dog) staring at the camera, with
dramatic music added. It works on so
many levels.

Evolution of Dance — A six-minute
video of a guy on stage demonstrating
the most popular dance moves of the
last half-century, from “The Twist” to
N’Sync.

George Lucas in Love — An eight-
minute movie made by some film

students in USC. Remarkably well-done,
it reveals where a college-age George
Lucas got his inspiration for Star Wars.
For example, Darth Vader was evidently
based on his seven-foot-tall asthmatic
floor-mate.

Geriatric1927 — A loveable old English
grandpa who somehow managed to
master technology and make his own
webcam show. His long, soft-spoken

  

videos
feature him telling
stories of his experiences
in the Second World War, and his
subsequent life in the post-war UK.
GI Joe Public Service Announcements
— Back in the early 90s it was briefly
fashionable for cartoons to end with
a brief public service announcement.
In the 2000s it was likewise briefly
fashionable to take the PSAs from old
GI Joe cartoons and re-dub them with
hilariously offensive new dialogue.
Goatse — A truly horrifying photograph
of a naked man stretching his anus
open with both hands, exposing all the
glistening pink tissue within. Usually
posted by internet pranksters with the
intention of shocking innocent viewers,
the image—and ones like it—spawned
the “shock site” craze.
Grape-stomping Lady — A brief news
clip from a local Fox affiliate in Atlanta.
The roving female reporter is learning
how to stomp grapes, but things take a
turn for the worst once she hears that
the person who stomps the most in 30
seconds can win a free vacation. She
keeps stomping frantically even after the
time limit ends, and ends up tumbling off
the platform and onto her face. Ouch.
Homestar Runner — A delightfully
whimsical cartoon series about a strange,
childish creature named Homestar and
his various oddball pals. The character of
Strong Bad has easily eclipsed Homestar
himself in popularity, and is widely
quoted and adored.
House of Cosbys — Another cartoon
series, this one about a kid who clones
himself a house full of Cosbys, each
with a distinctly idiotic personality. The
series ended when Bill Cosby himself