Selective Mad Hatters Selective mass murder the answer to global warming opinionsubmit Donald Kawasaki, Donald Kawasaki Foundation Haven't you ever wanted to murder some- one and get away with it? I remember as a young child, so in love with Canada, ask- ing my parents if it would be okay to kill our neighbour because I saw him dumping anti-freeze in an empty lot, using an aerosol tire cleaner, and smoking ciga- rettes—unfiltered. “Son,” my father said, “sometimes you've just got to let assholes be assholes.” New research at the Kawasaki Korporation now proves that my father, the fucking liar, is in fact wrong. In a study conducted over the past 10 years, we have scientifically proven that the systematic murder of jerks and undesirables is actual- ly beneficial to the environment. “In areas of high death density and, on occasion, genocide, the grounds in which the bodies are buried have shown dramati- cally higher rates of nutrient rich soil,” the Diagnostic Inventory of Environmental Benefits of Uniform and Selected Heart Stoppages (DIEBUSHS) said. “Furthermore, the reduction in carbon dioxide production eases the burden on foliage and the ozone layer.” Isn’t that exciting? The implications cut across all aspects of life—from chronic polluters in industry to bad economic poli- cy makers, we now have full justification to live out my childhood dream and embark on a murderous rampage. I love my country, but Canada’s reputa- tion as a world leader in sound environ- mental policies is somewhat misleading. There are still countless industries dump- ing benzene and chlorine into Ontario’s great lakes, companies slashing the last North American rain forests of British Columbia, and people who just smell really bad in Quebec. Waiting for legislation to catch up to science is as frustrating to, watch as the evolution of those stupid fuzzy boots. However, we can do some- thing about this by killing the worst offenders and still benefit the environ- ment. If you look to world leaders in this Moral Crusade of Mulching—countries like Cambodia, Bosnia, and Rwanda—we can tangibly correlate the high murder rates and mass graves to what has become lush greenery and a more vibrant and robust ecological system. Cambodia, the first nation to fully grasp the benefits of such an environmental policy, didn’t have a Pol Pot to piss in before their human fer- tilizer campaign began. Now, it is a tourist hotbed and boasts some of the healthiest species in Asia. Bosnia’s landscape now resembles the rolling hills and clear springs of the Scottish glens—which only came about because of Britain’s medieval desire to unite a kingdom through sensible envi- ronmental planning and mass murder. Even Rwanda, who implemented the MCM theory less than a decade ago, is beginning to explode with economic pros- perity through environmental policy, attracting major Hollywood productions and diplomatic dignitaries from around the world. It is easy to see that the Sudanese peo- ple, or at least those who remain, will be living a life of Eden-esque ease in a few short years, once the nutrient rich soil begins to teem with life. The Kawasaki Korporation doesn’t necessarily promote the mass genocide of all people’s, though we understand the lack of internal controls in the nations cited. Which is why, with an abundance of moral indiscretion in the First world nations, I believe Canada can once again become a world leader in positive environmental policies by singling out the major polluters for mass execution. There are countless Petro-Can execu- tives who would do better on their prom- ises of cleaner burning fuels by simply pushing up daisies rather than gushing up oil. Every year, Tim Horton’s produces enough garbage to build a ladder to Heaven—eight times over. As such, the Toronto Maple Leafs should be buried in the Clayoquot Sound area, where clear-cut- ting has left vast strips of loose soil and barren hillside. And Bob Cole should be included in that grave, too. Everywhere I turn these days, someone isn’t doing their part for the environment and it just makes me wish I had a gun. But what can I do? I’m only one man. It’s time Canada got out of the new age and went back to the old days. It’s time to legislate the mass murder of envi- ronmental enemies. If not in life, than in death they too can do their part. hotmail.com This is for the good of the environment... punk!