issue 03 / volume 41 Is discomfort food the latest fad? » New Coquitlam restaurant strives to make you feel bad about your meal—and yourself § Sharon Miki _ Humour Editor 4 humour @theotherpress.ca ulinary fads come and go, but the allure of mom-style home cooking has remained a steadfast staple of edible pleasure—until now. A new and audacious restaurant, to please your palate by making it miserable. “This idea of ‘comfort food’—it’s too obvious,” said head chef Francoise Skinner. “At D&D, we want to take the food that makes you feel warm, : full, and happy, and never, ever : serve it.” The concept behind : Discomfort & Desolation is : simple: they only dish up food : that you will hate. “We want : to make you feel like you will : never enjoy eating again,” : elaborated Skinner. The menu is full of uncomfortable favourites like : cold gruel, pickled kale with Discomfort & Desolation, hopes } ;otten banana puree, and Spam. Dishes are horribly : overpriced—ranging from $49 : fora cloud of dust to $79 for : aged-green luncheon meat—to : enhance the discomfort of the : experience. Some might ask : why Skinner is much a : misanthropist, but he asserts : that he doesn’t really hate : food or people; rather, he just : really likes making money : from suckers looking for weird culinary experiences: “We figured that the city : has restaurants that serve you : food in the dark, or ona naked, : sweaty, woman’s body, so why : not take that culinary icky-ness : and capitalize on it?” Discomfort & Desolation : is located in Coquitlam, and : is open only during rush- : hour and between three and : five in the morning, for your : inconvenience. humour // 21 I actually want to go to school » Opinions of a five-year-old aspiring kindergartener Patrick Vaillancourt Columnist ommy has been staying home from work these days. She needed to take time off working at the restaurant because she says I can’t go to school. She said the teachers are fighting with the government people. That can’t be good; mommy says fighting is bad. Daddy says that all of the teachers want more money. I get : : I don’t know how many teachers : : there are in BC, but if they all : want $5,000 to sign a paper, a $2 allowance every week, and I’m usually pretty happy with it. I go to the store to buy candy, : and sometimes daddy gives : me his change when he sends : me to go buy milk or bread. I : have to go to the store for him : sometimes when he has a little : too much of his “wobbly pop.” Daddy says the teachers : want $5,000 to sign some kind : of contract thingy. I didn’t know : you could make money just : signing something—I thought : only really famous people got paid for autographs. And that’s for every teacher! : that’s really huge money. That’s : like a gazillion-bazillion dollars. : Ugh, I’m going to be paying : taxes forever if they want that : much money. Wow, a whole $5,000— : imagine the things I could do : with that! 1 would be super rich. : I could take over the world with : that kind of money. But ’'ma : simple kid, so I’d probably just : buya cool bicycle and get all the candy in the store. I really like : those cinnamon hot lips—they are spicy, but really good. I thought my summer : vacation would be over by now. Wena oss Back-to-school edition By Allie Davison, Contributor DS-You suck lama Where: The DSU When: 2014-09-15 who [wish I hadn't] saw a You: Aimlessly wandering the aisles of Coles at Lougheed Mall. Me: I wish I hadn't seen you at the annual DSU Back-to-School bash. I mean, like, we had a great time in that summer poetry class we took, but my real friends didn’t know I was slumming it with you all summer. With your grungy sweater and the (clearly not pre-ripped) holes in your jeans, I really don’t think you'd fit in with my crowd. Ill just pretend I never saw you. Is there nowhere safe to look gross post-breakup? Iama who [wish] hadn't] saw a Where: First floor, Coquitlam campus When: 2014-09-09 You: First class. Hungover. So not in the mood. The only thing keeping me awake was the little splash of whiskey in my coffee. But fuck. I really wish you hadn't glanced back when you did. Did you see me slipping a little pick me up into my Timmy’s cup? It’s far too soon to know if youre DTF, let alone cool with a little day-class drinking. I just wish you hadn't seen me. : Usually, when mommy takes me : : shopping for back-to-school, : I expect to go to class soon : after. At least that’s how it was : last year when I started junior : kindergarten. This year I’m : going to senior kindergarten, : which is really good because : they don’t make us do that : stupid nap time anymore. It’s funny though—I : actually want to go to school, : but it’s the teachers that don't : want to go back. I like summer : vacation, but now I have to : stay home with mommy and : all she does is watch boring TV shows. This one show she : watches is really weird: there isa : mommy who doesn’t know who : the daddy is, and this old man : comes out and tells her who the : daddy is. Sometimes there could : be five daddies on the stage, all : thinking they are the daddy. I : think the people on that show : need to go to school like me : because they do not seem very : smart—everyone knows it’s one : mommy and one daddy—except : for my school friend James, : who has two daddies—lucky for : James. HUMANS OF NEW WEST an ea — sa TT, _— 71 When | asked this guy if |! could take his picture, he said, “Wait! Do you want me to climb something?”