I think I'll haven myself
—Reel BigFish

LETTER FROM THE EDITOR

The ancient civilization of Mesopotunis has given us a lot of things. Written

law, 60-minute hours, the wheel, irrigation, and glassmaking (which, in turn, is

the forerunner of bong making) are all technologies and ideas that come from _

the cradle of civilization that have made our life much better. But there’s one

innovation that the ancients of the Arabian peninsula deserve our thanks for
more than any other:

Sweet, delicious beer.

It may surprise you, but beer was invented over 8000 years ago in the area
now called Iraq. No, it wasn’t the Germans, or the English or the Belgians, or
any of the countries considered leaders in beer-making today. Beer is indeed
a tradition that has pre-dated all of those nations, and we can only hope, will
outlive them when they fall to the sands of time.

I consider myself a beer lover, but I’m most definitely a beer snob as well.
It’s not that I enjoy disrespecting people who have bad taste in beer, I just think
it’s my civic duty to inform everyone else of why they’re wrong and I am right.
Plus, I enjoy disrespecting people who have bad taste in beer.

So how can you be as cool as 1 am? How are you to know what is
acceptable and what is simply swill? Well, one way is to experiment, try lots of
new things, and come to your own conclusion. That’s one way, and it’s also the
wrong way, chump. The best way is to listen to me! Here’s a run-down on some
of the best and worst beers available today.

Canadian: let’s face it, Canadian is the go-to beer for any occasion, because
it’s the safest, most middle-of-the-road brew you can get. Nobody’s going to
sing its praises, but nobody’s going to complain too much either. It’s bland,
inoffensive taste is sure to please anyone who can’t make up their mind in
the liquor store in under three minutes. While it tastes mediocre under normal
circumstances, it'll taste like shit when you feel screwed after spending $8 for a
10-ounce cup at GM Place. Final Grade: B-

Kokanee: tolerable at best. It kind of reminds me of Alexander Keith’s, but
an Alexander Keith’s that someone just pissed in. Kokanee is a pilsner, which is
a German word meaning “cheap bullshit.” Final Grade: C

Budweiser: this beer is for dumb rednecks. Final Grade: C-

Bud Light: this beer is for dumb rednecks who are also complete pussies.
Final Grade: D

Granville Island: Granville Island is microbrewed right here in the heart
of Vancouver. Granville Island produces many different styles of beer, some
seasonally, some all-year round. The two most popular year-round beers are
their Lager and Pale Ale. The Lager is a thoroughly pleasant brew with a
noticeable, but not overwhelming flavour. The Pale Ale is full of flavour, but
a little heavy, so I definitely consider it a dinner beer, not a “let’s get so drunk
that we start calling our old girlfriends” beer. Always interesting and kind of
pretentious, just like the city itself. Final Grade: A

Bull Max: Bull Max is a malt liquor sold in either cans or 40-ounce bottles,
and probably the cheapest, nastiest beer you can get. Bull Max is a strange

 

drink, because it doesn’t get you drunk like a normal beer; instead, it turns you
into a hammered hobo, thanks to the presence of hoboprotobolic enzymes, a
some other shit this guy told me one time. It’ll make your breath stink, you’ll

_ piss about once every five minutes, and you’ll feel compelled to tell everyone

your opinions on why topic X Y or Z is complete bullshit. Or, you might start

hugging everyone and telling them how much you love them. Final Grade: F

So that’s the skinny on the frothy. By now you should know exactly what
constitutes good beer or bad beer, and why Bud Light sucks. I hope this has
been educational, or at the very least, made you want to drink (please support
Canada’s brewery industry; Lord knows they ned all the help they can get!).

Now, if you’ll excuse me, the Lions are about to kick off, and I need a cold
one.

Your Friend in high fidelity,
Liam Briten

P.S. I know I’ve barely scratched the surface, so stay tuned for part two in this

_ infinite-part series!

 

 

 

 

The students’ union
Book Swap is back and

its online!

Go to www. douglasstudentsu/vorn.cato sign up; click on the
link, and buy and sell your textbooks today.

To facilitate the success of this Book Swap service on-line, and in the effort to pro-
vide “one-stop” shopping for the benefit of all students, the students’ union will be continuing its
bulletin board policy of poster removals which advertise used textbooks for sale.

“book swap”

Please note:

Don’t miss out - go on-line today!

DOUGLAS STUDENTS’ UNION
CANADIAN FEDERATION OF STUDENTS - LocaL 18

 

 

 

 

September 15, 2008