issue 11// vol 45 humour // no. 17

Gavel of the law
brought down on
local auction house

» Going once, going twice, sued!

 

Naomi Ambrose
Contributor

 

Rees have gotten to the root of the
atest scandal in the auctioneering
world.

Ina series of videos posted on his
public Instagram story, Carlson Carolsen,
the owner of Carlson’s Auction House,
sobbed uncontrollably as he revealed a
terrible secret. Carolsen tearfully recanted
acomment he made about not declaring
the origin of the wood used to make the
auction gavel at his namesake auction
house.

Carolsen tipsily made the comment
during a boozy toast given to celebrate the

We ekly ho roscope S » What’s in your stars this week?

Image via Wikimedia Commons

auction house’s first anniversary.

“Tt’s the bubbles in champagne,”
Carolsen moaned. “Champagne always gets
me!”

Unbeknownst to Carolsen, the
event was streamed live across Facebook.
The video went viral after someone
commented, “imma need the deets on that
gavel’s origin STAT.” The comment received
473 likes, 232 “angry” reaction faces, and 23
“crying” reaction faces. Carlson’s bad luck
continued when one of the viewers tipped
off the police about the auction house's
violation.

Officer Fred Dirk spoke to reporters
after what the press dubbed “Gavelgate”.

“This is a very serious offence,” said

Dirk to the Other Press. “Obviously there
are a lot of other things that we, the police,
could be branching out and focusing

on right now. But for some reason we're
going to home in on this and ignore things
like the stigma around mental health,
intersectional women’s rights, and the
homeless.”

On Instagram Live, Carolsen sniffled
into a hundred-dollar bill while explaining
he was unaware about the new law passed
in BC earlier this year. This particular
law, known as the “Wood Yew Rather”
law, requires all auction house owners to
reveal the origin of the wood used to make
their gavels. The law was implemented in
response to years of complaints made by
attendees who claimed that Willowby’s
Auction House, another local spot, crafted
their gavels from ancient hardwood
trees dating back to as early as the 1800s.
Because of this, Willowby’s violated BC’s
tree conservation laws that prohibit the
cutting down of rare and historically
significant trees for commercial purposes.

“They should’ve stuck to willow,”
Carolsen said. “I mean, it’s in the name, for
God’s sake!”

Carolsen also blamed Gavelgate on a
worker at his auction house.

“One of my employees was responsible
for all business background checks. But
it seems that his check left out any and
all information about Canada’s laws and
restrictions, and mainly focused on who
in the company had the most money,’ said
Carolsen, still sobbing away. “And that
person was me!”

Carolsen offered an apology to his
employees who lost their jobs due to the
scandal.

“T will be opening a new bakery
called Carolsen’s Bakery, where all of my
old employees are welcome to apply,” said
Carolsen, wiping his tears away with his
gold embroidered handkerchief. “Isn’t the
name spectacular?”

Carolsen also claimed he “learned a
lot” from the gavel scandal.

“We've really spruced up our act. This
time I will abide by the province’s rules
about declaring the origin of the flour used
in bakeries. ] have done adequate research
and determined that all of our flour comes
from the store down the road,” Carolsen
said.

Isabelle Orr
Entertainment Editor

 

ARIES

(March 21 — April 20)
Venus retrograde made
you hit the ground running! All the new
friendships you've struck up over the past
week have been moving you in the right
direction. Keep your head down, Aries—
good things are on the way!

TAURUS

(April 21 - May 21)

As Uranus moves back

into your sign around the middle of

November, you'll notice a shift in Taurus

energy. The things you thought were

forever—routines, jobs, relationships—

might actually be holding you back.

Keep your head clear and your personal
boundaries in place.

GEMIN]

(May 22 — June 22)
Those changes from last
week have been making you feel a little
off-kilter. Don’t worry so much about
your identity; crafting your place in this
world takes so much time! Go through old
tweets, blog posts, or Instagram pictures,
and curate as needed. It'll be a fresh start

for Gemini soon enough!

S cANCER

. (June 22 - July 23)

Slow down, Cancer!

Things have been rolling in both your

work and personal life. Because it can be

so tempting to move as fast as your house

is moving into Sagittarius, you're headed

directly for a burnout. Being the boss

doesn’t mean taking on all the work, it

means delegating as needed. Remember
to ease up!

pL E ©

(July 24 - Aug 23)
Have big life changes
been on your mind lately? Degree changes,
road trips, and unpublished memoirs are
floating right at the edge of your grasp.
Uranus won't move back into your house
until February, so use this time to really
live your authentic self. It’ll be your time
before you know it!

V/RGO

(Aug 24 — Sept 23)

Though asking for help

might seem to be the easiest answer, a

Virgo’s best guide is their own intuition.

As your Uranus moves into the compatible

sign Aries, you'll feel a need to reflect

inwards on the self. Think about your own

goals and motivation, then work outwards.
You'll find all your answers.

  

LIBRA

(Sept 24 — Oct 23)

Though everything felt

under control last week, it’s likely this

cosmic shift into Aries has left many a

Libra feeling scattered. Take this down

time to collect and regroup. Have you

made any hasty decisions lately? Maybe

there’s something (or someone) you've
written off too soon.

‘SCORPIO

(Oct 24 — Nov 22)
i As this new week
begins, shift your focus into self-care.
Your next steps for the month should be
reorganizing things to better your life!
Clean your room, organize your files, and
find solutions to the little problems that
annoy you every day. It’s all within your

grasp!
gta
(Nov 23 — Dec 21)

As “Sag” season
approaches, you'll begin to feel that rush
of creative energy come flowing back!
And not a moment too soon—you've had
your nose to the theoretical grindstone.
As Jupiter comes back into your house,
make sure that youre doing everything you
possibly can to put your energies into the
world. We're almost there!

  

co a _
>AGIITARIUS

CAPRICORN

(Dec 22 - Jan 20)

Finally, a bit of peace!
Everything that has felt so up in the
air lately begins to calm midweek.
Resolutions to long-argued problems
will begin to settle, and the temper
you've had lately (no judgement!) will
begin to cool too. Don't beat yourself up,
Capricorns. It’s all relative!

@&. AQUARIUS
aS, (Jan 21 - Feb 19)

Excitement is in the air,
Aquarius! Your social life starts to pop off
next week, putting you in a party mood.
Though exams, work, and stress may have
depleted your social circle a bit, get ready
for a revitalization of people interested in
your specific brand. Party hard!

PISCES

(Feb 20 —- Mar 20)

You've been dealing with
some tough financial situations, Pisces.
Unforeseen events have caused the bills
to rack up big time. As Uranus shifts into
Aries, youre due for a bit of good fortune!
Don't neglect your finances, but don’t
resist the urge to splurge. A Pisces knows
a good deal when they see one.