issue 6// vol 45 opinions // no. 17

Letter to the Editor:
Have you seen

 

my keys?

>» Where are they?

Jonathan Elden
Worried Reader

 

D ear the Other Press, I have read your
paper for a while now, but there’s one
question you have failed to answer: Where
are my keys?

I thought I left them in the bathroom,
but they're not there. I already checked the
key hook, so don’t bother asking. I wouldn't
normally ask you; I know youve a very busy
newspaper. It’s just that it’s been seven days
and I still haven't found them. I’ve looked
everywhere. It’s been a full week of looking
and phoning and yelling and crying and
whispering. It’s been a hell of a time, I tell
ya.

It’s just that I used to jangle them all
the time. I miss that. And I miss scaring
away large birds with them. Those birds
would come at me with their large talons all
the time. It made sense since I was in their
nest collecting their delicious eggs, but
they didn’t have to attack me, you know?
They saw me in there and they made a
choice to attack me instead of calling the
police or signing a petition, like the rest
of us have to do. Just because they're birds
they think they don't have to live by our
rules, and that’s not cool. I’ve tried to tell
them that, but my attempts just resulted in
more bird attacks from them, followed by

more spite omelettes from me.

At first I thought the birds might have
taken my keys, but then I realized there’s
no way they could have. They probably
thought about it, but then realized they
had no pockets or key hooks or anywhere
to place them.

Anyway, I was hoping you could do
some investigative reporting, starting with
interviewing the only witnesses of the key’s
last whereabouts: My couch, my fridge, and
that small stain on my carpet. I’ve tried for
hours to get them to talk. I’ve tried every
legal interrogation technique in the book
before quickly moving on to illegal ones. In
the end, I guess I’m glad they aren't really
talking, but if they do, they consented to
everything. Remember that. Remember
who's paying you. Not me, obviously, since
it’s hard to keep down a job when you are
trapped in your home for a week because
you dont have your keys. But someone will
pay, someone with money, and they will
know me. It'll probably be my mom. You
wouldn't want to upset my mom by having
me arrested just because I assaulted a
couch, do you? Think about that.

So, let me know what you find. Also,
last question: Do you do ads? I’m trying to
sell a couch. Slightly worn, damp, and cut
in half. $500. Thanks.

Looking busy has never been this easy

» The science of pseudoproductivology

Caroline Ho
Assistant Editor

 

ired of trying to pretend youre busy
when youre really not?

If you've been grappling for years
with the grudging realization that feigning
focus requires almost as much concerted
effort as actually doing your work, your
struggles may soon be over. Top researchers
at the Institute for Diurnal Lassitude and
Emulation (IDLE) have recently published
their findings on the most effective ways
to fake it ‘til you make your boss stop
watching over your shoulder.

IDLE’s report is an exciting new
addition to the ground-breaking discipline
of pseudoproductivology, the study
of convincing others that you're doing
meaningful work while actually getting as
little done as possible.

The Other Press spoke with
pseudoproductivologist Dr. Laia Z. Ness,
one of the report’s lead authors, on what
she called the “super-scientific, totally
legit phenomenon of Beguilingly Looking
Authentically Hardworking, or BLAH.”

“It’s a time-honoured practice,
especially in the corporate world. It’s right
up there with making up backronyms and
coming up with long, clever-sounding
words with suffixes that don’t mean
anything,” said Dr. Ness.

Along with the standard BuzzFeed-

fodder list of practices—including typing
lines of gibberish into a Word document

or hastily Alt-Tabbing into one’s email
inbox as soon as someone approaches—the
report also analyzes the effectiveness of
lesser-known manifestations of BLAH,
such as using your desktop icons as a
sliding block puzzle or calculating the
nutritional values of elaborate recipes on
WolframAlpha.

The study was conducted using
self-reported answers from over 1,200
participants and promises to be 100 percent
unbiased, with only a 97 percent margin of
error. The study also reportedly includes
dozens of pie charts that completely add to
the research’s legitimacy, especially since
most of the pie charts appear to be either
memes or photos of actual pies.

According to Dr. Ness, this publication
will have staggering consequences for
society as a whole.

“This isn’t just applicable to office
jobs or taking notes during lectures,’ she
said. “There are so many situations where
it’s important to pretend youre giving
someone or something your full attention,
even if youre not. Avoiding household
chores, avoiding jury duty, completely
candid accidental selfies of yourself
#workinghardorhardlyworking—there’s
always time for more BLAH.”

Dr. Ness continued to detail the utility
of IDLE’s research, but partway through

the interview this reporter decided to

start practicing these techniques of
pseudoproductivology and stopped paying
attention to anything the scientist was
saying.

Realizing afterwards that this
newspaper story didn’t have enough
information, the reporter requested
a copy of the IDLE report to pad the
rest of the story with randomly chosen
scientific-sounding quotes. However,
upon receiving the report the Other
Press discovered that, instead of text,
the research paper was filled with
what appeared to be mediocre
caricatures of the institute’s lab
assistants.

This reporter then
gave up and went back
to typing lines of
gibberish.

Olkvje lak
vilkjfas] ijdfs Ikj.

 
 
  
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
  
 
  

Illustration by Cara Seccafien