WT Fiction

 

   

Dear Folks of the World,
As you know, I want nothing

more than for America to be best
friends with your country. Now a
few days ago, I looked at the
Presidential Map here in the Oval
Office and I saw something that set
me thinking and gave me an idea of
how this best friendship can be
achieved.

My idea is this: If a country
wants to be best friends with the
USA, they will have to change their
name to my suggested name and
then I will know their intentions are
best friendly. This idea will be sub-
mitted to the UN by my good
friend Johnny Boy Bolton who is
doing such a great job in New
York, where everyone is impressed
with his diplomatic skills and his
ideas for the redesign of the build-
ing. I feel sure that Coffee Annan
will agree to my idea of course,
unless he wants to be decaffeinated

by the FBI.

So here we go folks, on a bus
tour through the countries of the
world. In the thin bit below Mexico,
each country will start with the let-
ters CIA and then be allocated a
number from 1 to 6, depending on
how close to the USA they are, so
tor example Costa Rica will become
CIA6, I mentioned these name
changes to Porter Goss, my good
buddy who is Head of the CIA,
one of my papa’s old jobs. Porter
said “That’s amazing Mr. President,
these are exactly the names we have
been using here at the CIA since
1954.”

“Great minds think alike
Porter,” I replied. Porter Goss said
nothing, but I thought I detected a
smile cross his lips for a second or
two. Porter is doing a great job at
the CIA.

Panama will become CIGAR-
LAND, and Columbia will become
DRUGLAND. Venezuela will
become ALLENDE 1, Brazil
ALLENDE2, Argentina
ALLENDE3, and Bolivia

ALLENDE4, in honour of the late
president of the country of Chile,
which will now be called
ALLENDES; in other words, if
these countries don’t change their
ways real soon, their presidents will
be committing suicide in the near
future. The country run by the
hairy dictator Castro will change its
name to LINEUPSHEEPNOISE,
which has been the country’s code
name here at the White House for
five years. Dick Cheney, my VP
explained it to me this way: “Just
remember it like this George,
QUEUE is a British LINE UP and
BAA is the NOISE a SHEEP
makes most,of the time, so instead
of QUEUEBAA the code is LINE-
UPSHEEPNOISE.” As you can see
folks, Dick is doing a great job
explaining the finer points of for-
eign policy to me.

In Europe, the countries are so
small that the names don’t fit into
their shapes and I can’t read them. I
will solve this problem at a stroke,
by calling them all YUP. I told my
brother Jeb this and he said, “Don’t
forget Switzerland, George, that is
where some of your money is.” I
found the land of the Switzer in the
middle of YUP, so for now the
Switzer can have their own name,
but I will place a call to my good
friend Paul Wolfowitz tomorrow
and get my money out of
Switzerland as soon as possible.
Paul is doing a great job at the
World Bank, making sure those
tellers don’t steal any money from
their cash drawers at the end of the
day. Beyond YUP will be
RUSKIELAND, ruled over by
President Jean Poutine who used to
rule Canada.

China will change its name to
TAEK, which stands for The Axis
of Evil Knievel. Only the Chinese
people themselves can take that
great leap away from Communism,
over the Grand Canyon of change
and land in the land of the free and
as long as that land of the free isn’t
Taiwan, everything will be just fine
and dandy.

1 8 THE OTHER PRESS OCTOBER 19 2006

Afghanistan will become
ASTAN, Pakistan will become
PSTAN and India will become
NOT PSTAN. The other countries
in the area that have the word
STAN in their names will now be
called The 5 STANS. North Korea
will become NOCAREER, which is
what their Dear Leader will have, if
he doesn’t stop trying to build
weapons of mass destruction.

IRAN should change its name

right now. It is one of the axis of
evil that chops down the trees of
freedom and it makes me sound
like a coward whenever I say it. I
never ran from anything, and if you
don’t believe me, go see my buddy
Karl Rove and he will put you to
rights. Besides, Vietnam isn’t men-
tioned in this idea, is it now? IRAN
will become either ISTAN or
INEVERRAN,, the choice is yours,
good people of Tehran. Karl tells
me he is doing a great job behind
the scenes.

ISRAEL and PALESTINE ¢
not on my road map any longer,
They have to get their act togetl
themselves without my help, as
can never be elected President
again. These two nations have
to a fork in the road and only tk
can decide what to do next. My
advice is that when I came to a
in the road in my life, I picked u
that fork and ate my lunch with
God Bless America.

GWB

 

 

   
     

  
      

IS

STUDENT
NIGHT!

 

 

 

 

THURSDAY
eo ed

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