Have an idea for a story? M humour@theotherpress.ca You can now get official certification in mansplaining > ACTUALLY, only if you’re a man Carlos Bilan Staff Writer f you did not know already, you can now get a certification in mansplaining! Below are the details taken from the home page of mansplaining.co.edu. How to apply It’s really easy! All you have to do is bea man. And by that, we mean that you have to be manly, masculine, and machobravo. That is the first step, and once you have that checked you can go to step two. Click the “Apply” button at the top right of the page. There will be a form where you will be asked to put your name, date of birth, gender—yes, male is the only option, that’s not a bug so don’t worry—address, email, telephone number, credit card number, reason why you want to join, and simply hit submit. The reason we need your address and credit card number is because as soon as you sign up, you will receive a free “Proud to bea Meninist” shirt straight to your mail box. And yes, it’s free! If you see a charge from your credit card balance, that must be a feminihackerninja trying to hack your account. Just one of the reasons why we need meninism. Syllabus Three textbooks will be required for this course. The first book is “Mansplaining: Why we do it.” The second book is a pocket booklet titled, “Good phrases to use when arguing with a woman.” And the third textbook is, “Why men are always right.” They are rather thick, but that’s because men should know everything. Class hours The course is mostly done out of class hours with a monthly lecture. The homework is very simple: First, you need to know a girl (bonus points if she’s very argumentative, or even your girlfriend). Second, find the perfect opportunity Image via thinkstock a | — to mansplain. If you don’t know what that is, allow me to demonstrate with this example: You and your girlfriend are going out for lunch with your friends. Later during the lunch conversation, your girlfriend explains something to both of your friends. But you know she is wrong so you jump in and save the conversation by saying you know it all. Your brawns. If she gets oversensitive. You are. example. It does not even have to be your do your studies in the field of academia. Ifa nerdy chick is trying to argue with you, prove This is only one “ACTUALLY, it’s X and Y.” You are the man here, bro, and brain is the size of your mad at you, just brush it off; she’s just being know how the ladies girlfriend! You can even Fiery Eye of Sauron appears, Surrey (¥ Alcohol sales spike in anticipation of Trump’s inauguration Local student confidently gives wrong answer in class, disintegrates from shame And more! to her that you are smarter by dropping jargon and terminologies on her that she will most likely not understand. Even if you are maybe unsure if you are right, you will sound right. The key here is to counter her arguments, which will be wrong, obviously, because she’s a woman. You can start by saying the foolproof “ACTUALLY,” then continue with “but,” “however,” “the fact is,” and many more useful phrases. Never use “in my opinion,” “I think,” or show any leniency or doubt, because you have to make her realize that she only thinks the way she does because she doesn’t know any better. Career and higher education prospects Most of our applicants end up getting positions in fields dominated by men. This certification also gives you the edge to pursue a degree in men’s studies, HIStory, meninism, self-defence against the feminazis, and many many more. It’s now a woman’s world out there, and this certification will help you to defend yourself from the men-hating agenda. This is just one of the many reasons why we need meninism, bros, so go sign up! Student who finished first too nervous to hand in test, class stalls > No one has left classroom since last Thursday Rebecca Peterson Humour Editor A earth science class has been in session for nearly a week now, as no one has yet stepped forward to hand in a finished test. “Tt’s utter and complete madness,” said teacher Anna Ripley, in a statement to the press issued from the door of her classroom. “I’ve seen test-stalls before—you know, when the student who finishes first thinks they’ve finished too quickly, so they don’t hand their work in and it’s awful for everyone— but this has just gone way too far” The trouble started on Thursday afternoon after Ripley distributed a low- stakes test covering the first chapter of the textbook. Apparently, the test was only supposed to take 20 minutes. “Tt’s now been 143 hours and 17 minutes,” Ripley said. “I just did the calculations and frankly, I’m horrified. They could have written their midterms, finals, and 20- page research papers by now.” Inside the class, the students have created an odd kind of micro-society, with Ne Te. its own form of law and social hierarchy. “Tt’s kind of socialist, kind of anarchist, kind of ‘no one gives a shit, said one student, Jimothy John-Jacob. “We've been texting friends to toss food and water in through the open window— wait, don’t put that in, though. We're not allowed to text while taking the test.” “Yeah, everyone still counts this as my a test time,’ confirmed another student, Nicola Nickels. “At this point it’s all just on principle, and we know that. But the problem is, if someone goes forward now, that’s practically admitting to being the asshole who finished first and kept us all captive for a week out of pure anxiety. Like, we've all been there, but come on. I missed a concert Image via thinkstock last Friday because of this bullshit.” “The commerce in the classroom centres around a pretty sophisticated barter system,” explained marketing student Cameron Coster-Waldeau. “Basically, if you're able to get your friends to toss in supplies for you—magically, because none of us are using cellphones, obviously—you have leverage. From there, you take what you need to survive, then anything extra gets passed around for the common good, and for favours and general goodwill points from your fellow classmates. We're also not allowed to talk to each other, so we’ve all developed a sign language dialect to facilitate the trade. I think we’re doing pretty well, all things considered” A student claiming to be the first to finish the test, who has asked not to be named, passed a note to the Other Press reporter on the scene. “I’m very very sorry. This is all my fault,” the note read. “No one wants to be the first to finish, and I know I finished way too fast. I couldn’t face the shame. Tell my family I love them. Oh wait, you can’t, because you don’t know who I am. Never mind.”