Study finds that trigger-happy, racist

   

Rebecca Peterson
Humour Editor

 

arely recovering from her last

foray across the border, the
Other Press’s newly reinstated
foreign correspondence reporter
Ogahd Wy once again travelled
into the land of the free to
investigate a shocking report
out of Harvyale University.

“There’s just no getting
around it,” said statistics
professor Dr. Jayne McNumbers.
“We've tested this from every
possible angle to see if there
was a mistake, but... well,

> A disturbing amount of people were shocked by this

it turns out that a lot of the
police officers who are involved
in the shootings of unarmed
black men have a history
of racism and violence.”
Upon finishing his sentence,
a strawman opened the door
to Dr. McNumber’s office,
shouted “Not all cops!” and left.
“Obviously not all cops
are like this,” Dr. McNumbers
said, pulling at his hair a
little. “And not all cops with
obvious racist traits shoot
people for holding e-cigarettes
at scary angles and having car
trouble. But a lot of cops who
do have, like, really obvious

SkyTrain etiquette

> Excerpts from an informational pamphlet

Rebecca Peterson
Humour Editor

 

e all must find some

way to coexist on this
big blue ball. In the interest
of not being a dick on public
transit and thereby helping to
maintain the peace we all strive
for, we ask that you observe
the following rules of etiquette
while using the SkyTrain.

Don't block the

SkyTrain doors

Just as it is rude to block a fellow
human by standing in front of
them as they try to speak to

you, so it is rude to do so to the
doors of the SkyTrain. They have

feelings too, after all, and a job to
do. Imagine how you felt at your
school dance in Grade Six, when
the popular girls formed a tight
circle and edged you out of it,
leaving you to dance awkwardly
on your own. That is how the
SkyTrain doors feel, when you
stand in front of them without
acknowledging their existence.

Courtesy seats

These seats are meant for those
who show the most courtesy
while on the SkyTrain. The
best way to show courtesy is to
give up your seat. Therefore,
these seats should resemble a
never-ending round of musical
chairs, where you sit down

signs of racism and violence.
It’s not like it’s coming out of
nowhere, is what I’m saying.”
When asked how this
information might help to
prevent future murders, Dr.
McNumbers pulled a bottle of
Pepto Bismal out of his desk,
took a swig, and answered, “I
have no idea. Ostensibly the
police forces are supposed to
check to make sure they aren’t
hiring racists, but what do you
do when the guy doing the hiring
is racist? You could say, well,
maybe the findings of this study
will spur people into action, but
as a stats guy I can tell you that

only if given the opportunity
by a courteous human, only to
immediately spring back up
and offer it to another instead.

Personal audio devices

and cellphones

Just as it was rude to eat candy in
kindergarten without bringing
enough to share with the class,
so too is it disrespectful to listen
to music and hold conversations
on your cellular phone without
sharing the experience with your
fellow humans. If you must listen
to music, turn up the volume
loud enough for everyone around
you to hear. If you must converse
with someone on the phone, put
the phone on speaker or relay

the odds are definitely not in
our favour on that score. People
will just bring up crap like
‘black-on-black crime’ and ‘ohh
white people get murdered too’
because they don’t understand
how percentages work, never
mind institutionalized racism.
I have no idea how to get the
general populace to start caring
that police are killing innocent
people in the streets-”

At that moment the door
was thrown open again by an
out-of-breath TA, who panted,
“The cops shot a white person.”

“Jesus Christ,” said Dr.
McNumbers. “Well, maybe

both sides of the conversation
to your neighbours. Remember:
Project from the diaphragm,

so everyone can hear you.

Food & drinks

So often we forget our manners
when in transit, and we must
therefore strive to rectify this
by not only keeping to our own
rules of etiquette, but providing
an example for others. When
eating on the SkyTrain, do
remember to place your napkin
in your lap neatly, and use the
appropriate silverware for the
appropriate task. Always place
your cutlery upon your plate at
an angle when you are finished,
and be sure to compliment

 

I THINK OUR READERS WILL
BE SMART ENOUGH TO
GET IT!

   

By: L.A, Bonte

   
       

  
  

WOULDN T THAT MAKE

USING?

i

UT

Sl

     

douchebags make for shitty cops

Image via Thinkstock

this will get more people
caring about this problem-”

“Wait, false alarm,” the
TA said, as she squinted at
her phone. “The person was
mentally ill. Some people
are saying it was justified.”

Dr. McNumbers then
apparently sank from his chair
to the floor, held his bottle
of Pepto Bismal tightly in
his grasp, and whispered to
Wy, “Get out of this garbage
country while you still can.”
Reporter Ogahd Wy has since
requested never to be put
on foreign correspondence
duty ever again.

the chef and tip well. Never

ask for salt and pepper—this
is an insult to the chef, and is
therefore improper etiquette.

Personal hygiene

Keep your hygiene personal,
and do not bow to societal
norms. If you, personally,
dislike soap, then that is your
personal hygiene, and you must
keep with it. Ifyou, personally,
believe that deodorant is for
capitalist pigs, then by all
means let your natural scent

fill the air around you. It will
show your fellow passengers
that you keep your hygiene
practices personal, and they will
appreciate you for your honesty.

 

   

OULU! WE YUJOAF|! DID You
SHOULD | KNOW IN JAPAN
TRY THAT!|] THEY READ THEIR
COMICS FROM
RIGHT TO LEFT?

      
   
   

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