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Humour

 

Atheist coalition backs the snood

Popular hybrid scarf
piece endorsed by
Richard Dawkins

By Dylan Hackett,
News Editor

Last week, by a
worldwide press release,
the Humanists for Uncut
Humanity announced
their unfettered
endorsement for the
snood, an increasingly
popular hybrid
renowned for distancing
wearers from problems
surrounding scarf knots
that the HUH claims
“nobody can tie properly
anyway,” with its simple
crocheted circumference.
The group heralds the
fashion piece as “a
woolly plight against
the aesthetic of genital
mutilation and the

pious pragmatism that

First World problems: a growing threat to global security

United Nations
Security Council meet
to discuss the issue

By Keating Smith,
Chief Procrastinating
Correspondent

he United Nations

Security Council
(UNSC) met last week in
New York to discuss the
growing threat of First
World problems in the
northern regions of the
world. With the United
States, France, and Great
Britain making up three
of the five permanent
members of the UNSC,
the countries expressed
to the assembly that First
World problems are a
growing threat, not only
to the security of their
respective nations, but to

 

Photo illustration by Joel McCarthy

shields it from rational
discussion.”

The press release
announced “the snood
is an embodiment of
our stance against the
culturally normalized
child abuse known to
many as circumcision,
but deemed by us as
genital mutilation. We
encourage our supporters
to wear the snood
this winter season in
solidarity against the
practice we seek to cease
worldwide. Wear the

those in other developed
countries. Several other
wealthy countries

in Europe including
Norway, Switzerland,
and Finland, as well as
Canada and Australia
were also on the UNSC’s
list of countries to take
attentiveness to the new
and growing global
problem.

“The assassination
of Osama bin Laden has
greatly reduced the issue
of global terrorism,”
said Susan Rice, US
ambassador to the UN,
in a statement to the
international media.
“And while the sinister
consequences of Arab
spring have generated
a civil war in Syria and
created continuous
political instability in
Egypt, we cannot ignore
the problems of the First
World like we have been.”

snood up or down—it
is ready to adjust to
whichever position the
situation requires.”

Evolutionary
biologist, author, and
outspoken atheist
Richard Dawkins has
been witnessed wearing
a beige snood around
London and posted
a picture through
his Twitter account
concurrent with the
HUH press release. The
71-year-old academic
posted on his Twitter
page “@HUH reppin’ the
#snood hard #topman
#swag pic.twitter.
com /666rd8da9k”.

The announcement
was deemed by many in
the press as unsettlingly
timely, given the HUH’s
“Adopt-an-Anteater”
drive launched last
November—an effort
to provide funding for
an anteater shelter in

The words come
from Rice and several
of her colleagues after
a growing number of
hashtags typically coined
as “#firstworldproblems”
have been reported
plaguing the social media
world in recent months.
These First World
problems range from
someone burning their
tongue after drinking hot
coffee purchased from a
corporate restaurant to
having an intermittent
Wi-Fi connection in a
very large suburban
house.

Paralleling the
growing amount of
First World problem
hashtags in the world of
social media are several
videos recently posted
on YouTube, particularly
Africa for Norway, which
is a video depicting
Africans unanimously

northern Brazil. The
long snouted mammal
was also adopted as the
group’s official mascot at
the 2012 Global Atheists
Convention, appearing
onstage to rally
conference attendees
behind the HUH’s
agenda.

The Creator’s
Coalition for
Circumcision, a union
of Jewish, Muslim, and
Christian supporters
advocated for infant
circumcision and
critiqued the backing of
the snood in a rebutting
press release distributed
last Friday.

“Circumcision is a
practice dating back as
far as Hebrew times and
is practiced worldwide
as a sanitary precaution
for infant health and as
a WHO recommended
procedure to reducing
HIV infection rates. The

coming together to help
people in Norway by
donating their heaters
to the extremely cold
Scandinavian country.
“Tm basically heading
up a team that’s getting
Africans together in this
time of need for Norway
[by] helping them out,”
says Breezy V, an African
rapper and spokesperson
for the video. “A lot of
people aren’t aware of
what is going on there
right now. It’s just as bad
as poverty if you ask me.
“People don’t ignore
starving people, so
why should we ignore
cold people? Frost
bite kills people too,”
Breezy proclaims at the
beginning of the video.
With Norway having
some of the largest
offshore oil deposits in
the world and one of
Europe’s highest GDP’s,

snood’s resemblance

to an uncircumcised
penis is negligible and
its fervent endorsement
by Richard Dawkins

and his co-thinkers
flouts a respected and
long-standing tradition
amongst religious and
secular communities
worldwide. The [HUH]’s
stigmatization of the
garment causes harm

to these cherished
communities,” the release
claimed.

In an ensuing battle
on Twitter late Friday
afternoon, the HUH was
quick to point out the
CCC’s own scandal in the
mid-’90s where the group
was found to have paid
the producers of popular
Christian family drama,
7th Heaven, to have
character Simon Camden
don a mushroom cut,

a staple of mid-’90s
hairstyles.

Norwegians historically
struggle to keep warm
during the winter
months. Breezy concludes
his speech by saying “We
need to make a difference
in Norway by collecting
our radiators and
shipping them off [to]
spread some light, spread
some warmth, and spread
some smiles.”

The UNSC is set to
meet before the holiday
season in a general
assembly to discuss the
potential threats First
World problems could
pose in the western world
in the new year. Fresh off
his newly reelected term,
U.S. president Barack
Obama is speculated to
seat the assembly’s chair.

With files from Daily
Dingdong politics.

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