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“ Gotta watch what I say, they tappin’ my cell phone
They wanna sneak and peek inside my home

I’m paranoid and it’s not the weed

In my rear view mirror these cars they follow me’

—Prodigy, “Mac 10 Handle”

”

SPIES!!!

I’m sure many of you have read by now
that the University of Toronto has just
uncovered a Chinese computer spy ring
that’s infected computers worldwide.
Dissidents, foreign ambassadors, bank
owners, none of them are safe from the
prying eyes of the Chinese, and I’m sad
to say I’m one of those affected people.

I guess I should’ ve seen it coming.
As the editor-in-chief of the seventh
widest distributed student paper in the
15" largest metropolitan area in the 36"
most populated country in the world, I
have a pretty big target on my back. I was
never under any illusions; it was only a
matter of time before the Chinese decided
to take action against me. I guess my
number just finally came up.

Because I assume that those godless
communists will now attempt to discredit
me by releasing this sensitive information
to the public, I’ll beat them to the
punch. I'll take all the power out of this
information by falling on my own sword
and taking the coward’s way out by
telling you what’s on my hard drive.
-AVI FILE OF THE DAY THE
CLOWN CRIED: This is so I can
blackmail that son of a bitch Jerry Lewis
after what he did to me all those years
ago. He knows exactly what I’m talking
about...

ALL OF MY PASSWORDS: I’m an
idiot; I store all my passwords on my

PC in case I forget them. Now I’m

really screwed; now not only are those
bastards going to run up a tab on my
amateurpages.com account, but they’ ll
probably also start posting as me on the
CanadianGunNutz.com forum, and worst
of all, they’Il also log into my Neopets

 

account and ruin my Level 3 Quiggle,
Starflower. Goddamn those bastards!

AN MP3 OF THE CHRISTRIAN
BALE RANT: No, not the one you’ve
already heard, this is a new one. You’ ve
seen the way he treats crew members of
his films but you won’t believe what he
says to these Girl Guides.

MY SAVED GAMES ON BALDUR’S
GATE 2: I swear, if those dicks ruin my
main character who I’ve been carefully
min-maxing to be the ultimate combat
caster, I’m going to be pissed.

MY GOOGLE SEARCH HISTORY:
It’s not the number of times I’ve searched
“xxx + heavy + leather” that I’m
embarrassed about, more the number of
times I’ve searched for “abba + torrent +
frée.”

-AVI FILE OF NELSON MANDELA’S
RELEASE FROM PRISON: This is so
I can blackmail that son of a bitch Nelson
Mandela after what he did to me all those
years ago. He knows exactly what I’m
talking about...

So, there it is. Enjoy, China, because

that information’s no good to you now
that the rest of the world knows it. How
does it feel to lose, China? I beat you for
sure, just as sure as my online banking
password is “lukeskywalker54.”

Wait a minute...

Your friend in high fidelity,
Liam Britten
Editor-in-Chief

The Other Press

 

 

 

 

 

The Other Press is Hiring!

News Editor

Report on news stories around Douglas College and the local community. Interest in college

and local events and affairs a major asset. Must have strong writing ability and be able to

commit time to research and interviews for stories.

Pay: $400/month

Arts Editor

Cover stories about all sorts of arts events and products. Reviewing, reporting and editing

will all be the responsibility of a successful applicant. Good writing skills, fresh perspective

and diverse interests a must!

Pay: $400/month

Send your resume to editor @theotherpress.ca.