I had heard the hype— women finding their husbands, men discovering their soul mates—about online dating sites. So last summer, fed up with what I was finding in the real world, I registered on a dating website. An acquaintance of mine swore by cyber love, boasting about the wonderful man she scooped out of the net. But then again, another acquaintance was disgusted by the barrage of freaks that filled her inbox, and sternly warned me against signing up. I tried to go into this with an open mind. After coming up with a non- sexual-yet-not-too-nerdy screen name— attempting to put off those who may only contact me for sex or, at the other end of the spectrum, Dungeons and Dragons games—I filled out a form and was presented with the blank square that was my About Me section. There was also one that followed where you could describe my perfect date. I skipped that one. No one needs to know of my need to sacrifice a yearling goat on a first date in order to set the mood. But I did need to write a profile bio. I played it safe, mentioning my studies and hobbies, and avoiding any negative wording or sexual reference—I wasn’t just looking for a quick bang, yet I wasn’t disillusioning myself either—I wasn’t going to find my soul mate. I completed my profile and it went live. Now, I waited. What wackos awaited me in the depths of this electronic abyss? But it wasn’t wackos that I heard from— it was the illiterate. “Nice pics so who yer summer goin.” “I like movies an holdin hands you like 2?” “I I am attracted to you in wayz that r diff cause of yer bootiful eyez.” I perused the male options on the site and found little in the way of good choices. Anyone majorly gorgeous came off as extremely egotistical, and many others seemed too bland. Evidently, I learned, there are a lot of single men in Surrey. The site was also full of what many would consider to be chauches—www.urbandictionary. com defines a chauch as “Pretty boys who are beefy, vain, do stripper dances at clubs and think it’s hot, wear tight shirts. Also possibly tan, use hair products, go to the gym to be looked at, have frosted tipped hair.” — Now, beefy doesn’t sound so bad. But many of these guys were the chauch without the beef, which I guess one could call chince. I decided to take the plunge and allow some of these cyber-suitors to contact me via MSN Messenger. There was no way I was going to just meet dudes straight off the internet. So I got to know them better, and realized I really wasn’t interested in dating anyone at all. When it comes to dating, whether it is electronic, phone, or in- person, a person needs to go into it with not only an open mind, but also an open heart. There are a lot of fish in the sea, but if I am not into it, there isn’t one for me. So why can’t I bring myself to erase the account? January 7, 2007 Hard to Reel in a Catch With Online Dating By Laura Kelsey, Opinions Editor While exploring the world of online dating, I came across some absolute no-nos when trying to attract a cyber-mate, and here they are inno particular order: -Don’t post photos of yourself drinking or obviously intoxicated. -Don’t say “I love to rock the sheets” in your perfect date scenario. -Don’t post photos of you with your ex-girlfriends, or yourself dressed up like your mother. -Do pay attention to your spelling when contacting potential dates (u go 2 skool? were u go?). Avoid use of lame lingo, (i.e. lolz, roficopter). -Don’t post photos of the various scars on your body. -Don’t come up with an obviously cocky screen name (too_hot_4_ you). -Do keep track of who is who. Getting your new friends mixed up can be embarrassing. Change Your Major (before it’s Sunny Park sunny side up M, friend Dottie is pretty firm for her age. At 41, men can still bounce quarters off her muscular butt. She credits her firmness to a strict vegetarian diet and regular exercise. While happy that she’s still a head turner, her career is something that she’s less pleased with. As a college art instructor with 20 years of experience, Dottie feels that she’s wasted her life. She said that, by and large, most of the students that she’s taught over the years have gone on to become drug addicts, prostitutes and/or lawyers. She said that, if she hadn’t been smoking so much marijuana during her university years, she never would have kept her “Why did you choose it in the first place? Was it a soft option? Or was it because you had the hots for your instructor?” too late!) arts major, and then been stuck in “this depressing, go nowhere career” where her only desire is for a “sudden, painless death”. Are you going to be another Dottie? Perhaps you won’t even be so lucky to be blessed with firm, tight buttocks when you are in your 40s. Now is the time to stop smoking so much of the evil weed, and reconsider your major. Why did you choose it in the first place? Was it a soft option? Did your parents pressure you into it? Or was it because you had the hots for your instructor? Looking around Douglas, you can see that there are a lot of very attractive instructors here. Yes, they know their subjects inside and out, they can rattle off the facts with ease, but, secretly, you find them very easy on the eyes. There’s just something that makes your heart race when you see them take firm charge of class! Don’t let their attractiveness distract you from the future that you deserve! As soon as possible, at the next available moment, climb a mountain and commune with God. This will probably take about a month. I know that sounds like a long time, but it will go by quickly. Plan on eating nothing but organic beans and sprouts. This will cleanse your system of various toxins that prevent you from achieving a higher plane of consciousness. After a few weeks, you will start to hear God’s voice. Don’t be afraid. Just let the fetid gas purge from your strained bowels, and open your heart to wisdom. By the end of the month, you will know for certain what major is correct for you, as well as the fact that your parents and most of your instructors up to this point have been in league with the devil.