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Beleaguered monocle industry seeks federal bailout money

By Liam Britten

aying that government assistance

is “jolly well vital” to saving the

industry, representatives of Canada’s
top monocle manufacturers descended on
Ottawa to request loans and bailouts for their
sector.
Speaking for his colleagues, Baron Reginald
T. Haversfield, 3 Baron Belstead, told
reporters on Parliament Hill that immediate
aid was needed to save his floundering field.
“We monoclesmiths, monoclewrights and
monocledashers are humbly requesting that
Her Majesty’s own government sally forth
and approve a substantial sum to save our
shaken legacy,” Haversfield said. “The noble
monocle is a symbol of dignity and prestige
amongst barons, tycoons, moguls and fat
cats, and should our profession sink like a
Prussian warship, these drivers of commerce
and industry shan’t be able to see worth two
farthings.”
The monocle industry’s demands have
included an immediate infusion of $200
billion into the sector, federal bankruptcy
protection and “four stout orphans for
every factory, suitable for fetching coal and
cleaning chimneys.”
The plan has gained some favour within the
Conservative government and is expected to
be approved. This is no surprise to political

analysts who note that most Conservative
Members of Parliament are either 90

years old or villainous blackguards, two
demographics which account for over 80 per
cent of all monocle purchases. Conservative
minister for comical antiquities Gerry

Ritz has said his party supports aiding the
monocle industry’s demands and said aid
would be coming “as soon as I finally defeat
that cursed Dudley Do-Right.”

Opposition MPs have questioned the value
of supporting an industry that hasn’t turned
a profit since 1925. Also noted by the
opposition was the declining number of
monocles sold in the past 10 years, hitting an
all-time low of three sold for the entire 2006
year.

Monocle advocates repeatedly said that
theirs is a sustainable sector of the Canadian
economy.

“As all Christians of good breeding and

fine education know, the economies of the
world are cyclical,” said Haversfield. “We
predict that with federal assistance, a spot of
good luck and increased sales to aristocratic
German villains, our sales could reach at
least eight units yearly by 2013.”

Added Haversfield: “And if the Duke of
Kent becomes horrified at some scandalous
impropriety at the Royal Opera next week,
his broken monocle could jolly well mean
another sale for our cherished smiths!”

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