page 4 THE OTHER PRESS ‘October 31st, 1984 The ducks are comin It was a dark and stormy night as the ghouls, goblins and _ ghost-busters descended upon the Other Press Hallowe’en pub night. Everyone was O.P. STAFF howling to the sounds of ‘Monster t Mash’’, unaware that evil was lurking just beyond sight. The usual custom of masquerading was taken advantage of by a secret movement of dangerous anarchists, out to free one of their members held hostage in this college. These revolu- tionaries donned costumes and quietly snuck past ¢ during the award ceremony for ‘‘Best Costume’’. It is still un- known as to the time they struck, but they were professional and succeeded in their mission. Herb’E. Vorous the Duck was freed from his icy prison - the deep freeze in the Upper Cafeteria. oir The movement claiming respon- sibility surfaced early Monday, calling itself The Front de Liberation de les Canards. This act of fowl play is just the first step in what seems to be a cold war between the cafeteria staff and the Duck Freedom-Fighters. “That Front’s goose is cooked’’ screamed Leane McKinney, cafeteria services manager. ‘‘This has really got me down’’, she said, ‘’And when | get my hands on them, feathers are going to fly when | find the mother-duckers responsible.’’ Members of administration were seen earlier flying off the handle. One administrator has since flown south in order to weather the upcoming media storm. When Other Press reporters inter- viewed college spokesperson Bill Ding; he seemed to be ducking the issue. ‘‘I honestly don’t think this group is all they are quacked up to be,’”’ he said. ‘They are sticking their beaks in where they don’t belong. I’ve heard of birds of a feather flocking together, but this is reduckulous.”’ Another member of administration was quoted as saying, ‘‘We’re not going to lose our heads over this. We’re not going to let some half-baked liberation group get plucky on us. The heat’s on us for awhile, but they’re the one’s that are going to get burned. We'll see who gets the axe.’’ The liberation group, through their mediator Danny Duck, has made the following demands: the immediate release of all ducks in the cafeteria, their own sovereign pond outside the campus library, air-traffic controllers in mite concourse with designated flight Dear Dear Dr. Cannabis My class schedule has me constantly on the go, leaving little time for sleep. It’s up in the morning for Physics, and then bicycle home from Math to try to catch a few winks. Seems | just close my eyes and it’s time to get up again. Yet everybody else seems to be wide awake and well rested. | can’t figure it out. Tired in Kamloops Dear Tired At uno | couldn’t figure your problem out. Not till | scanned my road map. That’s a hell of a distance to lug homework. ‘Course, some flaked ideas do hit the generator right away. Like goin’ to a closer college or takin’ correspondance. Your best bet would be to buy an acre of land in Kamloops and move the college there. By the way, for anyone who's ever latched onto a road map and gone nuts tryin’ to fold it, | just found a great solution. Burn the sucker! Dear Dr. Cannabis My boyfriend is a very wonderful and loving person whom | care for very much. But I’m afraid he’s going to kill me with one of his meals. Tom likes to think he can cook but the results are terrible. When we first moved in together, he decided to surprise me by cooking a special dinner, shrimp casserole. Now, | love fish, especially shrimp. But | think it should be shelled first. Tom left it on, saying it would paths, the immediate conversion of the third floor greenhouse to a heated flight hangar, orthopedic shoes for their flat feet, floating loans for all student ducks, not the usual sinking funds, the establishment of a Bill of rights, the elimination of all down jackets on campus and the entrench- ment of a Herb E. Vorous Freedom Day to memorialize this historic occa- sion. Patty de Fois, a cafeteria worker was . later quoted saying ‘‘We never knew they had a bone to pick with us. This is very serious action in comparison to. give the meal a crunchy taste. The only things that had a crunchy taste were my broken teeth. Last Thanksgiving, ~ not only did Tom leave the guts in the turkey, he thought it was a little low and got some more to put in. And the desserts have to be seen to be believed. His coffee cake has Nescafe in it. Sponge cake tasted like spice cake. Spice cake tasted like sponge cake. And the chocolate cake tasted like...well, never mind. | haven’t got the heart to tell him and as a result, I’m starving to death. Trying to make him let me cook for once is impossible. Tom needs all the practice he can get, because he’s a cafeteria student. After the last meal of mock duck dinner (main course was a wooden hunting decoy), | asked Tom what he thought of the way his cooking tasted. Appar- ently his tastebuds don’t work, and he was preparing all these dishes for me! Talk about being flattered and hor- rified at the same time! Please help me. Tom’s talking about having choc- olate mousse tomorrow and I’m not sure he has the spelling right. Going bankrupt on Alka-Seltzer Dear Going Bankrupt Sounds to me like you’re a guinea pig. If your bod doesn’t go aloha it’s good enough for the cafeteria, though he’s probably a rookie cookie, since their veggies usually aren’t that bad. Actually | kinda know what you're going through, an old lady of mine used to cook like that. Her specialty was bread pudding with garlic bread. edie geate restos PM pale sey ¢ photo by Sean Valentini their poultry demands.’’ When Danny Duck was asked for his comments concerning various college responses he quite simply quacked “Duck off and Fly!”’ Funeral services will be held in the cafeteria crematorium later this week for all those brave ducks who. fought veinly in an attempt to prevent spilling their guts. Fellow ducks are flocking to the: scene to aid in the rebellion. More details in a later issue of he Other Press. Dr. Cannabis Whenever she laid a dish on me I’d wait till she turned around and then dump the mess into the pot of a nearby plant. One day the plant had enough and took the plate out of my hands and put it on the floor for the cat. The cat took one whiff and his mane fell out. Fortunately, she ran off one night with Mikey. He ate anything. With your problem, it’s obvious you two are crazy-glued. So join your old man. Get some spot surgery done and have your taste buds removed. Dear Dr. Cannabis My place is under seige. Every- where there’s flies, flies and more flies. I’ve tried fly swatters, sprays and bug strips. No good. | even bought a lizard, only to have it mugged by these flying terrorists. How can | get rid of them? Bug-ridden Dear Bug-ridden Hey! Can’t think of anything except for a new bug spray that’s kickin’ around. Guaranteed to make the flies horny as hell. Won’t kill, but you can swat ‘em two at a time. Tip for the day: If people had been meant to go to school, they wouldn’t have invented the Social Credit Gov- ernment. Dr. Cannabis will answer any ques- tions on lust, drugs, booze or anything under the full moon. pam drop them off at room 1602. Cre nstLt te Po) ee ea a eg se ees