issue 21// vol 45 humour // no. 17 How to avoid family on Family Day » Sorry bitches, Isabelle out! Isabelle Orr Entertainment Editor amily Day, schmamily day—any stat holiday is wasted if I’m not getting wasted with my friends. I don’t want to use my precious, precious holiday time spending it with my family, for God’s sakes! Don't waste Family Day (or any other day if you have better things to do then hear about your mom’s friend’s sister’s dog for hours on end) with the people who gave you life. Conveniently get out of it by using one of these five simple tips and tricks! Work as an excuse An easy and viable option since your parents see hard work and success as a sign that they made the right decision in birthing you. In fact, work is the only thing that they’re really proud of you for—so why not capitalize on it? Explain to them in terse, harried tones (remember, you're swamped!) how the boss needs you to cover and there’s simply nothing else that could possibly be done besides you working for the next 27 hours straight. Dad will have tears of joy in his eyes! Fizzle Rock crackdown o ‘Riverdale’ » Step aside, Jingle Jangle, there’s a new kid in town Isabelle Orr Entertainment Editor olice officers raided the Riverdale writers’ room last Monday, seizing large amounts of the street drug known as “Fizzle Rocks.” “We had multiple sources come to us and tip us off that there were illegal substances both on and off-set of the CW’s Riverdale, said David Buckley, Chief of Police. “But no sign was as clear-cut to us as the horrible, disjointed writing from season three.” Outsiders say that the mismanaged plotlines, abruptly killed characters, and strange romantic pairings could only come from the minds of people under the influence of heavy hallucinogens. “We found an oodle o’ Fizzle Rocks on set,” said Buckley. “That’s not a joke, it’s how doses of Fizzle Rocks are measured. You couldn't make this shit up unless you were really, really high.” Writers in the writing room took a reported amount of half a smidge of Fizzle Rocks before sitting down to bang out an episode. Other Press reporters talked to Cynthia Morrison, a narcotics specialist, to learn more about the drug. “Fizzle Rocks are similar to LSD in the way that they cause the user to hallucinate and experience intense emotions and sensory distortions. It also causes one to think that large, sudden plot changes with no follow-through or continuation are valid things to put on public television” Long-winded phone conversation Though this method requires some vocal contact, you won't be obligated to make another phone call home for around one and a half months or so. Feel free to rest the phone on your lap as your parents talk since they aren't really talking about anything other than the new drywall they’re putting up in the office. Asa plus, your parents aren’ really interested in what youre doing either, so you won't be expected to reciprocate. Top the call off with a mumbled, unconvincing “love you,” (don’t wait to hear a response) before immediately smashing that END button. You're done! Send message through sibling If there’s one thing that you and your siblings can agree on, it’s that your parents are whack. Try drawing out schedules that has you all trading off on holidays. For example, your sibling(s) can take Easter, Mom's birthday, and Grandma’s upcoming funeral, while you take Dad’s colonoscopy, Labour Day long weekend, and you both come home for Death of the Family Dog. Send your good ol’ bro (or sis, or sib) home with a half-assed “(your name) says hey.” Hopefully they won't shoot the messenger! se Still from 'Riverdale' Morrison, like other narcotics specialists, knows that the lasting damages of Fizzle Rocks could be long-term. “I don’t think we'll ever see a season as concise as season one, where no drugs were used at all. We're looking at a sharp decline of viewers, tapering to a hasty ending and then a Netflix special in about 10 to 15 years.” “If they ever want a chance at that special, they should all start doing cocaine,” Morrison added. Longtime viewers of the show said they weren't surprised at the news. “T've been watching Riverdale since it first came out,” said Bethany Saunders, superfan. “I was along for the ride until Gryphons and Gargoyles. Even the name of the game sounds lame as fuck.” “Why is Veronica’s cabaret ‘illegal?’ They dont even serve any alcohol there!” said longtime viewer Jeremy Schisler. “And why does she tell her dad all of her plans when he’s clearly a bad guy?” “Didn't they put Riverdale under lockdown? How did Jughead’s mom and sister just pull into town? Why are people still having seizures? What is going on?!” cried Saunders. “T will definitely be tuning in each week, either way,” added Schisler. “We'll get the writers sobered up as soon as we can,” said Buckley. “Hopefully they have a couple good episodes left in’em. After that, who knows. They'll probably move them to another show that accepts ‘Fizzleheads.’ Maybe Supernatural?” Transit Be it via roads, water, or plane—it doesn’t matter! All parents have a natural tendency to hate any and all forms of transportation for reasons unknown to me (I have no children). Blame the faceless behemoth that is public transportation. Have to go home to Vancouver Island? Nuts! The sailing got conveniently cancelled! Guess you'll be having a Pirate Pak DoorDashed to your apartment instead. Flying out? Oh no! Flights are down for some reason. Looks like you'll be watching The Emoji Movie from the comfort of your own bed. Taking the bus home? I don’t know, the bus isn’t running or something. You get the picture. Fake own death Controversial? Maybe. But hear me out— what would a parent's best present be? Answer: Their own child rising from the dead, of course (note: if your parents don't immediately provide this answer when asked, you are legally entitled to the sum of $300)! As an added bonus, you can decide