Local woman accidentally makes eye contact with SkyTrain solicitors > Her life hasn’t been the same since Chandler Walter Editor-in-Chief hock, embarrassment, and a little bit of boredom crashed its way into the life of a female college student last Wednesday. The day started off just the same as any other, according to Douglas College student Jessica Kanstup. That is, until she found herself at the New Westminster SkyTrain Station. “T always take the Expo Line to class, she said in an exclusive interview with the Other Press. “I get on at 22nd Street, ride for one stop, then walk up to class.” Unfortunately for Kanstup, she wouldn't be making it to her > Wednesday Philosophy class on time. “They were waiting for me when I get off the train,” she said. “There were so just many of them.” Though bits and pieces of information coaxed out of the traumatized Kantstup, the Other Press has gathered that she was approached by not one, but three SkyTrain solicitors in immediate succession. “Tt was my own fault, really. I should have been looking at my phone, or had my headphones in. I accidentally met the first one’s eyes, and... and... It was all downhill from there.” Kanstup was halted just as she made it to the bottom of the SkyTrain steps. Having been raised to have good manners by thoughtful parents, the poor college student was helpless once pulled into the vortex of casual conversation. After the dust had settled, Kanstrup’s monthly budget had been all but obliterated by the addition of $20 a month to GreenPeace, a Foodora membership she has no use for, and another $40 to the Red Cross. “I mean, they’re all great causes, don’t get me wrong,” Kanstup said. “I said that I was willing to donate the $10 bill that I had in my wallet, but they said it had to be my credit card. They said it had to be every month. ‘For how long?’ I asked. They didn’t say.” All told, it took Kanstup a full 30 minutes of forms, signatures, and forced smiles before she was finally free to head to class. “Id never seen poor Jessica more flustered,” said Douglas College Philosophy teacher Dave $15 on a busker’s CD before she could get on the SkyTrain to head home. “What’s worse is that I misplaced my Compass Card in all the chaos, so when I got to my station a cop gave me a $139 ticket,” Kanstup said. “I think from now on I’m just going to avoid it all by walking to class. The two-hour trek is easier than running that particular gauntlet ever again.” Rysner. “She looked as though she'd had the life sucked out of her.” The now-broke student was then forced to return to the scene after her class had ended, where she found herself signing a petition protesting something she knew nothing about and spending Kanstup has since cancelled the credit card to avoid the embarrassment of actually having to speak to someone about cancelling her monthly donations, but confessed that she accidentally agreed to sign up for six more credit cards in the following weeks. Leaked reports reveal entire Vancouver City Council was replaced by aliens 1n 2011 > Locals satisfied with logical explanation for city’s poor housing solutions Klara Woldenga Humour Editor Vancouver locals were shocked yet relieved to learn the entire Vancouver City Council was replaced by beings from outer space in 2011. The revelation came after secret government documents, reportedly stolen from Justin Trudeau’s laptop— which he left unattended at a cafe while trying to take a cool selfie in the establishment’s bathroom—were shared on the subreddit /r/Vancouver. Regarding the careless selfie, Trudeau defended his actions, stating, “How else was I supposed to let everyone know I was doing something cool?” The documents reveal that on the night of July 21, 201, all of the Vancouver City Council members were lured away from their homes after all being mailed a mysterious “You have won a free boat!” flyer, which had instructions to show up unattended at Dude Chilling Park at 11 p.m. Each targeted member was successfully abducted. The aliens then proceeded to disguise themselves as every single member of the Vancouver City Council. According to the leaked documents, they have been part of the system ever since, simply abducting the new members of the council the moment they are elected and returning the previous members unharmed to Earth with implanted memories. Although these newly-revealed facts are disturbing, many Vancouver locals find the new information to be a huge relief. Linda Baker, a Mount Pleasant resident, is terrified of aliens and what they could do to Earth, but was relieved by the information, telling the Other Press that “Finally after all this time, I have a proper explanation for why there is a serious disconnect between what city hall sees as affordable and what people can actually afford.” Kitsilano resident James Ferrin agrees, stating he’s sorry for the families that have been affected, but that he’s glad there’s finally a proper reason for the ridiculousness. “I mean, who on Earth would think that 1,600 a month is an affordable bachelor apartment housing option?” said Ferrin. “Now I finally understand why City Council would start building ‘affordable’ housing at that price, while also not changing building permits for micro-housing. They simply aren't from Earth! It makes so much sense!” In response to the leaked documents, the aliens gave a statement. “You got us,” they collectively said. “We're honestly surprised we could keep it up for this long. As beings from an entirely different dimension, we have no concept of your Earth ‘dollars,’ or any idea of what ‘affordable’ means. We thought everyone would have gotten tipped off a long time ago.” When asked if the aliens would just leave, they refused. “Do you know how empty and vast the universe is?” they said. “We are totally bored out there; we're not leaving.” The aliens did express some slight embarrassment in getting caught but stated that they knew it was only a matter of time before Trudeau would create a leak, just as he’s destined to do with the upcoming pipeline project. Photo illustration by Lauren Kelly