issue 17 // volume 42

humour // no. 23

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The return of the king

» ‘I'm back, baby, says Elvis Presley

: “For some reason, Elvis wanted

Adam Tatelman
Staff Writer

Ro n roll fans, octogenari-
ns, and conspiracy theorists
around the world rejoiced when
Elvis Presley resurfaced for the
first time since 1977. He claims
that he has spent the last 41 years
chilling on a beach in Maui, liv-
ing off the massive fortune the
Presley estate amassed in the
years before his supposed death.
“A lot of that money goes
towards paying people off” said
Elvis, as he sipped on a Pepsi.
“Tt takes a lot of cash to keep
people quiet, even out here. I

to bribe. Pretty much everyone
on Maui is set for life by now.”

Elvis thanked Priscilla
Presley, who managed the
estate in Elvis’ absence,
promoting merchandise in his
image. She often visits Elvis in
Maui, and the both of them
essentially live as retirees.

“The whole heart attack
thing was my idea,” said Priscilla.

: the body double to be found
: on the toilet. I didn’t like it at
: first, but it turned out to be

: great for marketing. It really
: got people talking, thinking

: he went out like that.”

When asked if she had

: any moral objections to the

: deception, Priscilla shrugged.

: “We've got folks buying Elvis Pez
: dispensers, for cryin’ out loud,

: and you're asking about morals?”

“I was really sick of show

: biz,” said Elvis, as he rana comb
: through his ’50s pompadour

: wig. “Besides, it was the ’7os.

: Disco was bigger than Moby

: Dick. I knew I'd never be able
think we're running out of people : © compete with it, so I decided
: the best thing to do was fake

: my own death. It’s a long game,
: but I think it’s gonna pay off.

: We've kept people crying ‘Elvis
lives! for 4o years—just think

: of the bank we'll make on the

: Elvis Presley comeback tour!”

According to Elvis, Maui

is a popular destination for
; stars desperate to escape the
: public eye. “Oh yeah, we had

: Jim Morrison down here fora

: while. Said it did him more good
: than any rehab clinic he'd ever

: been to. And my heart goes out

: to that Tupac fella. I've worked

: Las Vegas, and | can tell you,

: it’s a tough town. Any kid who

: survives a thing like that deserves
: alittle peace and quiet.” When

: pressed for details regarding the
: whereabouts of Jimmy Hoffa,

: Elvis declined to comment.

When asked about his

: impending comeback tour,

: Elvis merely smiled. “Soon,”

: he said, pulling up his sagging

: swim trunks. “Real soon. Saved
: the white suit and everything.

: Not much sense in putting it

: off anymore, now that folks

: know where I am. Hell, I might
: as well make this my formal

? announcement. | can’t tell you
? much—don't wanna ruin the

: surprise, you know—but I can

: tell you that it’s gonna be at—”

Unfortunately, Elvis Presley

died of a heart attack on the spot.

The prices of Elvis-

: branded merchandise are
: predicted to skyrocket.

 

by David Manky, Senior Columnist

Image via www.freakingnews.com