reserved specifically for Jell-O.

All was going well in the Western
Hemisphere, with people winding
down and eating more sensibly. But, on
October 14, 1984, Jell-O exports rose
to an unprecedented level. An inde-
pendent study showed that the govern-
ment was funnelling Jell-O to a group
of Iran contras to fuel their fight for
freedom. These packages were in turn
sold to their neighbouring country of
Iraq for the making of biological
weapons. It was Lieutenant Colonel
Oliver North’s shoulders on which the
blame was placed. Evidence came out
in his trial that he had shredded docu-
ments, and placedthem into a Jell-O
mould for secrecy. Thus, the Iran
Contra scandal was placed into the his-
tory books, and America began to go
into turmoil.

In a desert somewhere in the
Middle East, Saddam Hussein was
boiling water and ripping open thou-
sands of boxes, in readiness for his bid
to take over the world shares of gelati-
nous products. The potency of Jell-O
had already been taken to its limits in
Hiroshima, where the Americans lay
waste to millions of Japanese because
of their jealousy that Japan was making
better cars and VCRs than were
American firms. Instead of finding
some new way of re-Inventing the
destructive monster, Saddam looked to
the past for ideas. His research showed
ordinary people had been using a hor-
rible form of Jell-O to kill in-laws and
relatives during dinner parties for years.
He looked back to the 1920s and
found the answer he sought in: Jellied
Salad.

The vile concoction of fruit in a
state of suspended animation inside a
Jell-O mould was an unthinkable tool,

was an unthinking man.
© production, they found
ght combination of Lime

May 1998 Page 14

 

if i ome ¥ #
wal 7 ‘: hi |

with little pieces of mandarin orange
could be mass produced into a formi-
dable arsenal of biological weapons.
Their main target was the ungodly
Americans, whose stock of Jell-O had
been stolen by the Iraqis.

With Saddam adding fruit to Jell-O,
the US was enraged that their stocks
might be further depleted. The United
Nations had to become involved. But
in what capacity? And who would rise
to the challenge? A man named George
Bush stepped to the plate. His vested
interest was high, as it was for all
Americans, because they shared a com-
mon disease called Gingivitis—due to
which, their brains were made com-
pletely of Jell-O mixed with Velveeta.
This common thread of Kraft prod-
ucts for brains, speculates Canadian
scientist Saul Ansbacher, “explains why
Americans are such assholes.” Thus, the
future of a nation dwindled. Without
their life blood to keep making arro-
gant children, the US would surely

 

13
BO ee, ee

ay

plunge into being normal on the world
stage. So, in the early 1990s, the US
sailed over to the desert to fight for
freedom. The battle lasted many sec-
onds, and was coined “Dessert Storm”
by the media. It was a rousing success,

and soon Jell-O prices stabilized in the
US market, and the war was heralded a
success. Determined to never be
caught off guard again, the US
imposed sanctions on Iraq and had
inspectors checking the stations where
the Jell-O and fruit were combined, or
“moulds” as they were commonly
called.

The possibilities for Jell-O had
nearly been exhausted, and companies
turned to new products as possible
new weapons. One of the most prom-
ising was a secret government weapon
code named “Fruitcake” which was
developed early in the 17th century.
The effects of “Fruitcake” were not as
potent as the Jell-O weapons, but had

worked more from the inside, breaking