issue 7 // volume 44 humour // no. 23

     

> ‘We just didn’t expect them te to run so fast’

Klara Woldenga
Humour Editor

 

Hz" Roden, McDonald’s
representative, held a press
conference yesterday to publicly apologize
for the disturbance and distress their
recent miscalculation has caused for the
citizens of Taber, a small town in Alberta.

“We were just trying to create
a better source of meat for our
customers,” stated Roden. “We
apologize for any disruption this
has caused the citizens of Taber.”

For the past two years, McDonald’s
has been genetically developing ten-
legged chickens to increase their
amount of dark meat production.

They finally succeeded at the end
of September, but things did not
go as planned once the genetically
altered chickens grew to adult size.

“On September 30, our group of
mature, multi-legged chickens ran up

and over the 30-foot wall surrounding
our lab,” stated Roden. “These chickens
proceeded to reach speeds of up to 200
kilometers an hour as they ran towards
the town of Taber in hopes of finding
their desired food source: Corn.”

According to newly published
research, these GMO chickens
need to eat ten times more corn
than the average chicken.

“We built our plant in Taber
because of their large amount of corn
production; we needed a lot of corn
available to us at all times,” stated Roden.

McDonald’s security tried
to catch the 10-legged chickens,
but were unsuccessful.

“We knew they’d be fast, but
we didn’t think they would be fast
enough outrun our security vehicles,”
stated Roden. “Despite our attempts,
they made their way into the town
and began terrorizing citizens.”

According to reports, the
chickens ran into the nearest corn

processing plant, Kernel of Truth, and
began attacking the employees.

“Oh lord, it was awful,” stated Joe
Righten, Kernel of Truth employee.
“They all just came in through the
doors, vents, and windows—feathers
and legs were flying everywhere. The
only reason | survived was because
I pushed my supervisor into the
oncoming wave of freak chickens. Take
that, Steve. Now who's late coming
back from their lunch break?”

McDonald’s security arrived at
the processing plant 20 minutes later,
and discovered that the alpha GMO
chicken, nicknamed “Legolas” by
authorities, had taken the employees
hostage. The team carefully planned
their strategy before raiding the building
to rescue those trapped inside.

“After four hours of planning,
we decided to sneak in through the
back and just throw a large blanket
over all of them,” stated Roden.

“Tt worked; the chickens thought

Photo illustration by Joel McCarthy

it was night and fell asleep.”

After wrapping all of the chickens
in the blanket, the security team
safely released the employees.

“McDonald’s is working towards a
compensation package for every member
of the town that was personally affected
by this incident,” stated Roden. “We
hope to personally deliver a chicken-
themed gift basket to anyone that
fills out Chicken Trauma Form A132,
which is available on our website.”

When asked whether or not the
citizens would appreciate a chicken-
themed gift basket after the terrifying
incident, Roden refused to answer
any more questions until the press
acknowledged whether or not they
understood the Legolas joke.

“I worked really hard on that
name, we all did,” stated Roden.

When told that the press got it
Roden just repeated over and over
“But do you really get it, though?”

Local white person shocked that peace
and love doesn't solve racism

> ‘Treally thought that Pepsi brought us together’

Mercedes Deutscher
Social Media Coordinator

 

Carkeighane Brown was rendered

speechless last Friday when she

discovered that racism still exists,

and cannot be solved with peace,

love, or carbonated beverages.
On a Facebook post depicting

a police protest, Brown wrote that

marginalized demographics across North

America should find a middle ground

using only peace and love. While she

received praise from many white peers,

she was promptly criticized by “the

very people [she] was trying to help.”
“Someone told me to get my head

out of the clouds! J don’t even know what

that means,” said Brown in an interview.
Alicia Johnson, a BPOC (Black

Person of Colour), was disheartened by

Browns statement, but not surprised.
“People suggest peace and love

like we haven't already tried that,”

Johnson wrote on the Facebook thread

in response. “Does peace and love stop

police from murdering young black

men at alarming rates? Have peace

and love stopped the US government’s

increasingly racist stances in external

affairs? I’m tired of hearing about peace

and love. I want real change that’s

made through policy and legislation.”
Her message seemed lost on Brown.
“Why is it so hard to understand

that peace and love is the way? After

all, Kendall Jenner fixed racism
with a can of Pepsi! Maybe if people
just tried it, it could work.”

Brown then recounted a past incident
she was involved in on the SkyTrain.

“I was on my way to FVDED in the
Park this summer, wearing this bitchin’
headdress IJ ordered online,” said Brown.
“Oh my god, I felt like Pocahontas!
Anyways, this girl came up to me and told
me that I was appropriating—I forgot the
name of the group, but it was some native
group’s culture. | just don’t get it...I’m not
making fun of them. I’m appreciating
their culture. They should be happy!”

Amber Hanson, the Coast
Salish woman who spoke to Brown
during this incident, remembers
the encounter differently.

“She kept accusing me of calling
her a racist and slandering her. I tried
to explain to her how problematic it is
for someone of a colonial background
to wear Indigenous regalia, especially
for something as frivolous as a
music festival. It’s kind of ironic.

She seemed really concerned about
not being seen as a racist, but her
actions just didn’t reflect that.”

Brown, after reassuring us again
that she was not a racist, pondered
why there was talk of racism at all.

“I mean we're all legally equal,
right? That’s why the civil rights
movement was a thing. Surely that
means racism doesn’t exist anymore!”

 

Image via PepsiCo