LETTITOR

 

 

So you’re a zombie:

   
      

Cody Klyne

Editor in Chief

T= start of a new season of AMC’s
hit zombie-drama, The Walking
Dead, has got me paranoid and
thinking —talked to death as it may be—
what I’d do in a similar situation.

This might be a sad or damning this
to admit but, were there to be a zombie
apocalypse, I have little reservation in
saying that I’d probably be one of the first
to go. Of course this would be ajter I’d
been found hiding in a tree house filled
with devilish Home Alone-style traps.

Anyway, I just imagine that that’s about
the extent of my survival abilities when

it comes to this sort of thing. I was never
in scouts or cadets.and I’m not exactly a
shining example of physical intimidation.
So, instead of giving you my half-hearted
take on the zombie survival guide, seeing
as I’m already anticipating being devoured
and turned, here’re a few tips for those
future zombies among us:

Wardrobe

The first step to surviving as a zombie
comes down to how quickly you’ re able
to adopt a sense for practical, utilitarian,
borderline military-inspired fashion. For
starters: wear a helmet, Of course the
dream would be to find one of those sleek,
top-of-the-line, bulletproof numbers —
some navy SEAL, black ops shit—but as
a student preparing for the apocalypse,
you'll have to settle for what you can get.
With that in mind, consider making a trip
to the local Sally Ann or used sporting
goods store; anything to add that extra
layer of protection for the old brain box.
Just make sure it won’t hinder your ability
to chew, tear, or chomp... savvy?

Next, consider getting some of those
freaky/sexy (I can’t decide which) Vibram
FiveFingers toe shoes to get the most out
of your running. Finally, though some
might say that this goes against my first
suggestion (really, it’s personal taste), go
for the gusto: wear a suit, or costume that
says “Hey world, I prepared for this in
my own, self-deprecating, defeatist kinda
way!” Another play on this idea would be
to dress up as though you were useful or
traditionally successful in life to intimidate
people who have yet to cast aside “old
world” ideals.

Zombie costume suggestions:

"Farmer, Mechanic, Doctor, Pilot and one
of the Beatles

How to survive the human menace

Become a triathlete

Outside of the obvious health benefits
you'll reap for the remainder of your
human life, having the ability to run and
swim at a competitive level will put you
heads above the rest of the horde. This

is where those Vibram shoes come in.
Starting today, run everywhere. Wake

up and run; run to the store; eat and run
(practice for the future). Forget how to
walk. Running is now your only means
of travel. When you’ re not running, swim
the Fraser. A solid backstroke will work
wonders when the dams eventually break
due to lack of care.

Whether or not we retain muscle
memory, remembering how to run, and
being damn fine at it, could mean the
difference between a meal and becoming
another statistic lost to the human scourge.
It’s probably wishful thinking, I know; I’m
not exactly an expert on zombification (a
pseudoscience if ever there was one).

Zom (how you want to) bie
This last tip will probably be the most
challenging to pull off: don’t get torn to
bits in the process of becoming a zombie.
Losing an arm, leg, or worse before you’re
even officially a member of the undead
will significantly decrease your chances of
a long and successful life after death.
When the time comes, distance
yourself from other humans. Tell them
you have to go to the bathroom and can’t
while someone’s watching; tell them
anything. Then, when you’re alone, isolate
a particularly slow, weak, or otherwise
impaired zombie and get bitten on your
own terms. Go for non-critical, meaty
areas. A nibble on the thigh, a bite on the
butt; you get the idea. Then, find a nice
quiet spot, something calming—a meadow
or brook for example—and let the magic
happen.

While a telephone psychic recently
assured me that a zombie apocalypse
similar to the ones we’ve seen on film was
highly unlikely to happen in my lifetime, it
never hurts to prepare. Whether you heed
my advice now or have plans to start work
on a bunker in the new year (once you
get the proper permits)... have a safe and
happy Halloween!

Later days,
Cody Klyne

Editor in Chief
The Other Press

 

 

 

 

A.

 

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