humour // no. 22 theotherpress.ca

The great social media crisis

» The biggest threat to social security

Chandler Walter
Humour Editor
© humour@theotherpress.ca

Mies of users were
impacted this past week
as social media worldwide

of our time.
Parents flooded into

websites like Twitter, Instagram, :

: been flooded by nothing
: but @ conversations,

: ThingsWhiteFolksLike retweets, :
: and tweets with an evident

: misunderstanding of the 140
: character limit.

and even Tumblr. How they
managed to understand the
basic sign-in page is still
undetermined, though we are
getting word that the reason for
this migration is clear.
Grandparents, previously
content with sending
handwritten letters or the

the Facebook scene and ousted
those who once ruled there.
We talked to #AverageDad
Bill Williams about what
happened and how he is coping.
“I don’t know how, but my

: mom started using Facebook.

: It’s so dumb! She’s commenting
: on all my stuff. All my golf

: buddies can see this stuff, it’s

: embarrassing.”

Unfortunately for Bill’s

daughter Jenna, Bill and all his
underwent the greatest invasion golf buddies have moved their
: discussion and daily thoughts

: onto twitter.

Twitter feeds have

“It’s not so bad right now,”

: Jenna said, “but I don’t know
: how much longer I can go
occasional fax, have broken onto : without accepting his follow

: request. He threatened to take

away the Wi-Fi!”

Along with this added

: pressure, the necessity of having
: a private Twitter account has

: severely bummed Jenna out:

: “I used to get like two or even

: three retweets every tweet. Now
: I can’t get any. What’s even the

: point anymore if] can’t gain

: fake admiration from strangers

: on the Internet

Tad

Jenna and her friends

: have since decided to make a

: social migration of their own,
: resurrecting their old Nexopia
> accounts. The humiliation of

: having their friends see the

: things they posted in grade

: seven is apparently worth

being free from online parental

> supervision.

Meanwhile, Jenna’s

: grandma Viona had

: successfully logged into her

: Facebook account, although

: she accidentally posted her

: password “Ilovemycatmittens”
: onto her Facebook page.

Online Facebook Bingo

: is seeing a humongous rise in
: popularity, though it comes

: at the cost of all of our dads’

: Farmville Farms, which lie

: dying and desolate.

  

Image via Thinkstock

 

What does Fox News say

» Network hires new vulpine reporters

Adam Tatelman
Staff Writer

fter receiving complaints

that their staff was “not
representative enough,” Fox
News’ board of directors
fired the corporation’s entire
executive staff and replaced
them with actual foxes.

This bold and unexpected
decision was met with
well-justified confusion; to
explain the situation, the new
reporting staff arranged a press
conference.

“We're happy that our

public image of Fox News,” said
Fantastic Mr. Fox, as voiced by
George Clooney.

“As such, these changes

: best represents our company’s

: identity and interests. As the

: new head of public relations, I

: am confident that our new staff
: will continue to maintain the

: level of quality reporting you've
: all come to expect from Fox

: News.” :
: With a wink, Mr. Fox turned

: the stand over to Fox McCloud, — :
: former Smash Brothers

? tournament star and new head
: of security: “I wouldn’t be here
: if my last game hadn't bombed
: harder than Bikini Atoll,” said

: McCloud, with liquor on his

: breath.

“Tm slumming it here, big

viewership is concerned with the : time. I used to fight space wars.
: Now I shine a flashlight around
: the office while the night crew

: asks me what the fox says every
: five minutes, Who the
should ensure that our staff now : breaks into Fox News, anyway?
: Glenn Beck?”

BRAK

[ec hannoel]

After a number of species-
: ist remarks about raccoons,
: new Fox 5 news chopper pilot
: Miles “Tails” Prower ushered
: McCloud offstage. “Sorry about

: that, folks,” he said with a smile.

: “We really wanted to get Rocket
: Raccoon for security detail, but
: he said he wouldn’t work with

: McCloud. Can’t imagine why.

: Anyways, I should turn things

 

: over to our new treasurer!”

Robin Hood—the Disney

: animated version—took the

: stage, lightly doffing his

: feathered hat to the audience.
: Unfortunately, no one could

: understand a word he said

: because of his archaic English
: dialect. Translators claim

: he is a great supporter of

: Marxist politics, and intends

: to redistribute all of Fox News’
: excess profits to the less
: fortunate.

Nobody was able to

: distinguish the difference

: between a “profit” and an “excess
: profit,” so the exact figures

: remain unclear.

After a thank you from the

: Nine-Tailed Kitsune, Japanese

: mythological figure and new

: Chairman of the Board, the

: press conference disbanded.

: Somewhere backstage, McCloud
: could be heard slurring “Hey! I

: dare you! I double-dog-dare you!
: Ask me what the fox says one

: more

***ing time!”

Despite their idiosyncrasies,

: this motley crew of vulpine

: personalities should have the

: new Fox News well in hand. If

: nothing else, they’re a step up

: from the owl-headed journalist
: formerly known as Bill O’RLY.

 

 

 

Hey Doc, | have these
red bumps on my arms,
it's really itchy and irritating!

 

Yeah, eczema is
always like that

 

 

Well that’s a rash
generalization

IO|NGIIJUOD ‘AyUeW praeq Ag

 

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