i 10 ax Have an idea for a story? M humour@theotherpress.ca humour // no. 15 ¢ Blanket cape can ward off negativity and stress ¢ Cold-pressed juice the secret to curing every health ailment ..and more! ‘Is that the film where the two chicks kiss?’ » Man who has seen no nominated movies very opinionated about the Oscars Isabelle Orr Entertainment Editor hile the Oscars were being held in Los Angeles last Sunday, local man Oliver Pennington was vocal and open about how he felt about the prestigious awards. “There were no good movies this year,” declared Pennington. The Academy Awards, which recognize both artistic and technical excellence within the film industry, were no match for Pennington, who has seen all of the Fast and Furious franchise. “Why is Lady Gaga in a movie?” Pennington asked. “She’s a singer. What’s up with that?” Despite his lack of film expertise, Pennington made sure to tell others exactly what he thought of the awards show. “The Oscars are dumb and it’s stupid that people care so much about them,” Pennington told Other Press reporters. “Everyone at my work was filling out ballots and going to Susan’s party. I didn’t get an invite, but it’s cool because even if I was invited, I wouldn't have gone anyway. “People should have real hobbies, like my fantasy football league,” he added. When giving his film critiques, Pennington made sure to tell people about the one “Intro to Film” class he took during college. “The classes were at night, so I usually fell asleep halfway through the movie,” he said. “But I still got a B-minus. I’m pretty much Scorsese at this point.” Similar to how the Oscars ranks movies for awards, Pennington has his own rating system for determining a movie's merit. “Movies are pretty expensive, so I only go to movies in the theatre when I know they’re gonna be really good. An easy way to tell is if the movie stars the Rock or Vin Diesel. Those are both kickass names, so you know it’s going to bea real kickass movie.” Pennington wasn’t the only person A cape to cure your ailments >» Breakthrough finds that blanket cape can ward off negativity and stress Roshni Riar Staff Writer Cored Beton a oa Bede te | ignificant breakthrough in the study of coping mechanisms of stressed-out individuals. “Through testing with control and experiment groups, we have concluded that when you are in the comfort of your own home and you affix a soft blanket around yourself like a cape, you are substantially more capable of warding off Pierce We Giles is aac BDC Sri Cely hoc oe EBay eee Ose ly bpd “People have been doing this throughout the ages. Who doesn't love a nice, cozy blanket wrapped around one’s shoulders while you go about your errands and daily business?” Research assistant Kristofferson Bowe added, “Tt seems like the blanket was a key that we've been missing. I was lying on the couch one night feeling particularly relaxed, looked down at the way I had wrapped my comforter around me like a burrito and thought: ‘Eureka!” Ash and Bowe began to draft the blueprint for the experimentation, unable to ignore the resounding possibility behind Bowe’s a-ha! moment. eC nar Vy aon pyc because we wanted to know if there was some sort of viable psychological relief that compelled people to surround themselves within the soft fortress of their blankets. We gathered 100 people and split them into two groups: blanket cape wearers and the capeless. We observed their daily actions and interactions and slowly began to feed them stressful inputs over a period of three months,’ Dr. Ash explained while pointing toa graph carefully embroidered onto a white blanket. Small embroidered capes hovered along the bottom of the Y-axis, labelled “Severity of Response to Stressors” which went up in increments of “unaffected,” “mildly disturbed,” “off-put,” “annoyed,” “stressed,” “panicked,” and “inconsolable.’ WW earthed ste keraventeae that the sensation of affixing a cape over the shoulders releases a flood of serotonin and dopamine into the blanket wearer's brain, making it easier for them to deal with the negative aspects of life. The blanket triggers a chemical response in the wearer and acts as a shield that protects them from having to carry the burden of whatever stressor or negativity may be pLaYeey unl iaysa Asubject in the experiment group— who preferred to remain anonymous— shared his experience while caped up. Ba CCR acege aces ome tant) [ya he admitted. “I felt super safe with the blanket on. Even when they told me that I had failed all of my midterms and lost the internship I’ve been waiting to hear back from, I felt at peace with that. It’s like the blanket took all that crappy stuff and bounced it back out into the universe.” In contemplating how he will face those stresses once the experiment is complete, the subject didn’t seem particularly worried. “Til just take the blanket with me. I might even try taking it out into the real world. I could probably get away with stretching a shirt over it when I go to work, right? If I smooth out all the lumps, I don't think it'll look too funny” The group of researchers hopes to expand their findings and test the blanket cape’s capability in more stressful settings. Dr. Ash seemed hopeful for the future, sharing the possible directions of the next phase of study and research. ma cere stats to line up some experiments with the | local longshoreman iio epladarimile seks go through, hopefully SCT peor Tors 100 ( 81 Ca open to the idea. As long as the capes don't get in the way of their work, Tm sure we can figure something out.” making his thoughts about the Oscars crystal-clear. Vancouver local Richard Darvis also shared his thoughts with the Other Press. “Why do they nominate such artsy shit? Why can’t they have any good movies in there, like Deadpool 2? I thought Ryan Reynolds was good in that. Or at least good enough to win an Academy Award.” “How come it has to be movies from just last year?” Samuel Novak, self proclaimed “film buff” asked reporters. “Why can’t my favourite movie Donnie Darko be nominated?” “Some of the films weren't even in English,” said Gerald Rickson. “How am I supposed to understand them? With subtitles on? Then it wouldn't bea movie, it would bea book.” When asked if he would watch the Oscars next year, Pennington was indecisive. “The dresses that all the actresses were wearing this year didn’t even show any skin, so there was really nothing there for me. I guess I’ll tune in if they make another Deadpool. Why wasn't Paddington Bear up for an award? Paddington was pretty good.”