In remembrance

» All the resolutions that were lost in the past week =

Chandler Walter
Humour Editor
© humour@theotherpress.ca

Zelda Mundy
Zelda had decided to wake

up at 6 a.m. every morning from :
January 1 and onwards. She had: Ways, and makes you stay

: home eating pizza rather than
up, make coffee, and write or go ; 8°ing to the gym.’ Stephen's

: resolution will be remembered
: going onwards in all the new

: workout equipment sitting

: in the corner of Stephen's

: room, and the four gallons

: of protein powder taking up

: space in his cupboards.

set out a steadfast plan to wake

for a run every day. Zelda and
her family are sad to inform

us that Zelda’s resolution died
late in the morning on January
u, after Zelda snoozed her
phone an alarming 43 times
before getting out of bed at 1
p.m. that afternoon. Zelda’s

outside her window, and her
roommate who always drank
the remains of her coffee.

Steve Jones

Stephen had attempted to
join a gym and get “hashtag fit
fam hashtag lift lyfe” according
to the young man’s Instagram
profile. Stephen worked

: steadfastly at his resolution for
: a grand total of five days before
: it met its fate less than a week

: into January. “It will be missed,” :
: Jones said, “but sometimes you
: just gotta let go. Sometimes

Scott Handley
resolution will be missed by her :

running buddies, the early birds :

god works in mysterious

Scott suffered a devastating :
loss this past weekend, as his

: that 2017 would be the year A ; my My Wag oe
: she finally stopped her online sl
: shopping addiction, and she

: made it almost the entire

: first half of the first month

: of the year before tragedy

: befell her. A 60 per cent off

: sale at Aritzia.com took her

: resolution out to the backyard
: witha shotgun in hand. Laura

: she just had to get them. Laura
: may have cut up all her credit F*~ a 4
: cards ina fit of righteousness,

: websites all had her card
: numbers pre-inputted.

=

 

a

i r -
a = : *. o

: bad, as the nicotine patches
: he purchased to help him quit
> give him quite the buzz when

combined with smoking a real

: cigarette. Scott promises to
: revive his resolution in 2017. f

: Laura Dintly

Laura had high hopes *:

—s =

4

i
i

is unperturbed by this brutal | -_ ?

: : death, as they had those cute =.
: resolution to quit smoking went !
: up in flames around him. Scott
: had made a drunken promise to :
: himself the night of New Year’s :
: Eve to never touch a cigarette
: again in his life, but during

: a lunch break at work just

: yesterday, Scott’s determination :
: died alongside his promise.
: Scott admits that it isn’t so

little brown booties that she

: had been wanting to get for

months but they were NEVER [ ; a
on sale and oh my god okay a

but unfortunately the
by Josh Visser, Columnist

WHAT WILL

Overwhelmed. Changing
her life goals every
semester. Only five years
away trom her degree.
She is the

AIMLESS
UNDECLARED
MAJOR.

Desolate. Barista. $10,000
in debt. No job prospects.
He is the