Feruary 3, 1993

Other Feature

the Other Press

11

 

AIR HORNS AND THE ART OF
AGRESSIVE TELEPHONE INTERCEPTION

 

by Jane Martin

 

Prank phone calls used to shake
ime up, piss me off. I like to think that
i've turned that around now. I call it
lageressive phone call interception.

I got a wrong number call last
night, someone called and asked to
speak toMuck.Ihavetroublehearing,
might have beenasking for Mike, but
I double-checked and sure enough

ey wanted MUCK sol told the gu
lhe shouldn’ tbe hanging around wi
people with such unsavory names
and hung up.

Once a man called and asked
me what colour was the hair on my
lyou-know-what? Only he didn’t say
lyou-know-what he said TWATT.
Ordinarily this might really irk me -

o be woken at 7 AM on a Sunday to
have to tell a complete stranger the

How one woman beat obscene phone
callers at their own games, by inventing a
few of her own.

colouring book and couldn’tdecide
which crayon to use. Maybe, but I
wasn’t going to cooperate. I told
him I was colour blind and didn’t
know, and I hung up.

Once an.elderly-sounding
Eastern | European-sounding
woman called me and offered to
hand wash my underwear. I tried
toconvinceherthatalthoughI really
appreciated the offer, my washing.
So she offered to hand wash my
husband’s underwear. I told her I
didn’t havea husband and then the
weirdest thing happened __ she
started to laugh and laugh and
laugh—not anicesociable friendly
“oh my you are too amusing what

" Thank You For Calling
Pizza World. Please Hold."
en I'd Hang Up.

olour of my pubic hair. Sunday, I
don’t get out of bed until about2 PM.
ell maybe I get up to go to the
bathroom, maybe even brush my
teeth but for all intents and purposes
am immobile until 2.

aybe this guy had a pornographic

a clever joke you have told” laugh
—areallyevillaugh. Ithinkactually
it was an “I curse you to forever
wear cheap cotton elephantine
underwear and to never have a
husband” laugh.

If this womanshould ever call,

hang up immediately.

Once I was at work and gota call
from aman witha sore throat. He said
hewas watching me. Sol said “oh, you
have a cellular phone? You must be
very rich! How very impressive!” He
said no, he was at the pay phone.
There is no pay phone within seeing
distance so I knew he was lying and I
told him that] hated liarsand hung up,
but first I recommended that he see a
doctor about his sore throat — it
sounded really painful!

There used to be this guy who
would call every night about seven
times a night, really late. To piss him
off, would answer and say things like
“Thank you for calling Pizza World all
of our operators are busy right now
but please hold and someone will take
your order shortly” then I would hang
up. Or I would blast an airhorn into
thereceiver, the prank-call self-defense
equivalent of kicking some jerk in the
you-know-whats only I wouldn’t say
You-know-whatsI would say BALLS.
Better yet, I would answer and say
“No,she’snothererightnow can] take
a message?” before he could say a
word. I imagine that this guy is now
near deaf and in therapy.

Better him thanme. Ilook forward
to the day Ma Bell develops a device
that could announce to any would-be
pranksters, “Think twice before you
proces Jane has an air horn, and she

ows how to use it.”

   

 

Thank You For Holding,
‘Hello? Are You There?..

 

appeal to your superego

save the world

join the
Other Press

 

 

S.K.1.D. Kids Evicted

...continued from page 5
Some very meaningful reactions
e not negative, however. The
ancouver Police unofficially
pport the camper’s cause. There
ad been only one very minor
ident of police involvement as of
esday morning. A simple
estion was asked. None of the
I.D. campers was involved. The
plice have virtually left the
dewalk camp alone.

Hall that S.K.I.D. has prepared.
Contact your alderperson or the
Mayor's office or your MLA. Be
supportive of the sidewalk camp’s
cause and remember that those
young people are Canada’s future.
S.K.I.D. can work. Don’t let the
dream die.

Also unofficially, 911 operators

hve expressed support for the _
K.I.D. cause. They are reported to —

ave said that every night scared,

gry young people newly arrived _
assistanceand _

Vancouver see
ey refer them to S.K.I.D.
overnment offices close at 16:30,
I.D. is always open.
What can you do to help
..D.? Visit the camp and spare
bme change or some food. Go
bwn to the corner of Granville and
ythe and sign the petition to City

 

Liane Bezina

 

  
   

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